It’s fun until it’s not

I was just a teenage girl trying to find some advil because I was cramping heavily at the time. My mom would keep all her pills in one spot so as I was looking through , I notice a prescription for ‘ Alprazolam ’ . I would always hear about that drug heavy on the internet and near my peers at school. So when I notice it I instantly got curious and decided to see just what the hype about this was about . The rest of the day I felt normal , I was waiting on some big thing to happen but it didn’t. Until , I noticed that my anxiety would get worse when I would hang out with my friends and being out. That’s when the dependency started when I found out it was for anxiety. When I was on ‘xans’ I would be very hyper sexual , impulsive , reckless and i got myself in bad situations. However , everytime after a night out of xans if i woke up the next day feeling guilty about what I did the day pior I would take another one and i day by day I just used it to escape. I was happy I didn’t feel and I could just do because anxiety was always holding me back so all of this was new to me and I inreturn ended creating a big hole of problems and I wasn’t addresing them.

One day I was out sneaking with my friend at the time and I swore that would be the last day of me doing xans because I could see what it was doing to me. Unfortunately , after that night the withdrawals were bad. So I thought to myself how about I just use marjuana to feel better. Everything was normal until it was time to go back to school . This was my senior year and already was going into the semester with the mindset I wasnt going to make it. The first day I linked backed up with a old friend of mind who was no good honestly .. but I had no - one else at the time so I settled.

Everytime I would hang out with them we’d smoke and ditch class. That was depressing and at the time I thought it was so cool but it wasn’t. This eventually caused a riff between us because I didn’t want to involve myself around them anymore because I noticed how this was going to turn in the end. That friendship ended , so now I was really alone. I was stressed about my senior year because I didn’t have anyone to talk to so I would fall back on smoking. It became a routine , to a point where that’s just all I wanted to do . I didn’t notice it yet but smoking and the pills were changing me for the worst . I was so ashamed to speak to anyone about it in fear of being judged. So I would suffer in silence ; but the times I did tell a friend it felt like I was burdening with my problems.

Around December of last year though I got a job at Little Caesars , woohoo I was happy with my little job . The first day was not that bad. I ran cashier and all I had to do was Yell out the orders . but I wasn’t use to that I can be soft - spoken around people I just met . The boss tried to make a example out of me , I got overwhelmed and i walked out .

I know .. I probably shouldn’t have walked out . I didn’t want to call my mom to pick me up because I didn’t want her to be disappointed by me so I just chilled at Walgreens. I was waiting in there until my mom could pick me up but the staff at Walgreens though i was shoplifting and called the cops on me . Im not gone hold you .. being handcuffed is not a good feelin and my mom was there seeing it all. After I got a ticket and the entire day just felt like shit. After that incident , I started to smoke more heavily and to myself.

The death of people around me that I cared about and seeing death traumatized me severely. This led me to a very deep depression my second semester. I disconnected from everything, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and just sleep and just exist. But I couldn’t get any mental rest or physical rest because my mother would just keep pushing me even when she seen how tired I looked. I gave up going to school because when I was there I wouldn’t really talk to anyone and the friends I did have left I would always push away because I was just so ashamed of my drug problem and I didn’t want to admit it . Maybe if I would’ve just felt my feelings sooner.

One day on a normal school week I just couldn’t do it anymore I couldn’t show up . My mom said I could spend some time at home. And me knowing me i thought I just needed one day to recover. One day turned to me not participating in my senior activities like prom and my graduation.

Seeing the people that I knew since freshman year all happy and im sitting on the sideline getting high , I un subconsciously fell into the stastics and im not gonna lie I regret it a lot . How I let my mental issues get in the way of that because I really did want to enjoy that.

Currently as im writing this it’s June 10 , and it’s a new day and im going to start over . Im not going to let my trauma , my anger , my resentment , negative thinking control me anymore because I want to get better and there will be better days coming ahead for me . If you relate to this I wanna let you know I love you and you still being here means that you can still make this right . I know it won’t be easy and I know it won’t change overnight but just as simple as a positive affirmation for expample : “ Today is going to be a good day “ , “ I am enough “ , “ I embrace and I love myself .

Also going on a simple 1 minute walk outside can help , pampering yourself from the time you wake up til the time you go to sleep . Set a routine , me personally I like to wake up 8:30 am and sleep at 8:30 pm and it helps me feel refreshed.

I know you can do this , i love you and thanks for reading 🫶🏾