what do I want :

a healthy communicative relationship

where toxicity isn't met with fire but with love or respect and being able to disagree and still showing me, love. I want to feel heard, I want to feel secure that I am being actively listened to and shown support through hard times. I want to feel like you in this because you want to not need to. I want to feel sexy without having to get undressed. I want a partner that I didn't have to settle with because I was lonely.

I want a friendship that isn't focused on drugs and we can show our inner child together. I want a friendship that is free from past resentment and gives us the space to be ourselves while willing to stay together. I want a friendship where I feel heard and can show platonic affection such as hugs or a brush on the shoulder or maybe holding hands on a warm summer day. I want to be able to push myself to start repairing old resentments so that I can move forward. I forgive myself. I am scared to be out on my own because I was spoon-fed everything and the climate of random deaths and shootings has made it ever so worse. But feeling the pressure of the stereotypical move out at 18 I feel is outdated. I understand wanting me to move out but rushing the process makes me feel unwanted at my house and now it's their house. I take accountability for the role I've played negatively in people's lives and I've not taken the proper steps to mend them because they haven't. Tit for tat I know but why be fair when life isn't fair. In the end, we all will get let down. I will have to let down all of the folks but with love as I should respect their boundaries as well. In honesty, it's hard to hear "no" . only when I say no do I expect there to be no hard feelings I admit. showing vulnerability isn't my strong suit anymore since past relationships. I will say they hurt me but to say I'm the victim is senseless and not taking ownership. I miss my dad though can't lie I just can't believe he'd say that to me after everything. that was my breaking point and this was from years of resentment honestly suppressed because anytime you're made to tell your parent that what they did hurt you they feel a hint feel that it's low of value. Which is fucked because im your child, why would you not show sympathy for me when I say what you did hurt me. I realize my childhood was far from normal they thought the money I was given was enough to replace the facts of cheating and abusive behavior. it's honestly sick when you think about all I've witnessed but those experiences shaped me into where I am now. I now feel better I love my saggy boobs I love my facial hair I love everything about me I incoorpatre affirmations into my daily routine and exercise. for the most part, I've learned to be alone and be okay with showing up for me ..for me!

I used to always say "Hey I missed my old self " but I just missed the person who had the energy to dress up and switch it up to be creative and outgoing it was until I met Keontre and Jennifer. I give them partial blame because I was just as wrong in all parties honestly because I could've left them alone during my ninth-grade year but I didn't because they exposed me to things like drugs and weed and love. on top of the fact I was new to the school and area, people already had their friend groups lined up so I clung to them. Everything after I chose to put up with, I kept going back and I made that my entire personality up until 11th-grade year. But I would hate to say I regret it because at a point in time, I saw something in them that made me cling to them for the next 5 fucking years lol so yeah. 12th grade was the hardest for me and I chose that as well. I don't take accountability enough I hurt a lot of people from me being hurt. I wanted people to feel exactly how miserable I was because at that point I honestly did not care if I died or not. LOWEST POINT EVER. But it made me stronger, I'm at the peace I always wanted and craved. I'm not tied or feeling forced to call and talk to someone I knew I wasn't in it for the long run. I'm not people-pleasing and just accepting shit not to have you dip my life. I'm just doing me and being sexy trying to start new beginnings and I'm scared hell yeah but I'm going to push through it all because what if it all goes right? right...