It's A New Year For New Yearnings

Goal setting was not easy to manage for the past four years after the first breakdown. Even after everything, this year feels different. My self-love journey I started in 2016, quickly turned into self-isolation to separate myself from anyone or anything toxic that wasn't contributing to my evolution. Happiness comes from peace and that was all I wanted.

I knew boundaries needed to be put in place as my first stepping stone towards that. Now, I can't lie. The 2020 pandemic helped me out, setting the boundaries more easily. Even though for many 2020 was like Voldemort, the year that shall not be named. For me, it helped shine a light on things and people I was blind to. Last year shared some important lessons that lead me into this year with a stronger confidence resulting in a more grounded mindset.

Finding peace in my solitude has been my only attitude, because I realized the only person who can make me happy is me. I've learned that it's far more invaluable to be strong enough to stand alone than to stand with someone. Healthy solitude teaches self-love for self-worth, and to not let my own happiness depend on someone else. It prepares you so that when I do meet my love, I'm not relying on them to make me happy. I can only do that. Like all the wise have said, "at the end of the day, you have you." Not to sound or be confused as haughty, but I am the love of my own life and that's how it should be.

My love for myself has made me lose the anxiety about people judging me, because it doesn't matter what people think of me. It only matters what I think of me. Ignoring others opinion's still doesn't come easy, but I remember to not be influenced by letting opinions surpass over me, so I can find me (my poor little indecisive self), and what I actually want in my life. So now, if or when someone did or does knock me down mentally, the most important lesson is to keep moving. Something I'm still working on, especially this year is moving from my past. Ruminating things that happened, and things that were said or things that should have been done or said. The lesson? Screw the past. You can't keep moving forward if you keep on looking backward. My future and my present should be my two main focuses.

I'm still picking up the pieces to put my life back together, but I get closer every week by making small little changes to have big ones. To keep making those small changes consistently- regularly makes a huge impact later on. I found it's less stressful to be the tortoise instead of the hare anyway; that slow and steady truly does win the race. It's just having the patience for the "slow" that always got me! Realizing, that the things that I want done won't be complete in the amount of time that it "should" be done was discouraging. It made me lose interest in anything I started. That's when I stopped setting deadlines with my goals, and started to focus on getting it done little by little, because I couldn't start step 1 and then expect to skip to the final step. As quick as I want things to be complete, I can't! And letting it keep me awake at night, stressing about it into the next day does not contribute to the peaceful lifestyle I'm sowing.

This year made me let go of that, along with letting go of past events that were out of my control. Ruminating through old mistakes, and old situations became a nightly tearful ritual. It wasn't really until I began journaling my every private thought, goals. and affirmations that I found online or in my head when moving on really felt possible. It's been a new sense of freedom. Rolling regret and despair right off of the old table to welcome happiness and hope to the new table that's being built this year.

This self-love journey has really been all about centering myself to grow into a better person. To be able to have the purpose me and my inner child have always wanted- to help humans. It's hard to be there for the people that need you if you're not even there for yourself. That's why being my love is important, but that doesn't mean that I need to be my "only" love. My self-love journey has been just that, a journey. One that continues to carry on through rain or shine. Mine came with learning how to climb more monstrous mountains alone rather than walking through the flat lands with friends. I keep moving and the journey keeps going, even after stumbling and falling yards down. You get back up and try again. Slowly, but surely so they say. Then once you see the views (the results) it all becomes worth the wait, and worth the climb.