Is gratitude becoming the new 'toxic positivity'?

We've probably all heard this term: "toxic positivity".

It's this utopian idea, rooted in positive psychology, that life should be "good vibes only" and "drama-free" by only thinking "good thoughts" whilst simultaneously by-passing any remotely negative feelings.

By now, most of us tend to realise that not feeling your feels makes you feel, well...., how do I put this? It can make you feel shit, numb, disconnected from yourself, depressed, alienated. And that's not necessarily a positive outcome of this forced positivity.

So, what about gratitude? Surely, it's a good thing to be grateful for the things you have, no?

Yes-- and no.

Let me explain. In this day and age, many of us find comfort in the realm of meditation. It's a wonderful state of being, and tool to ground yourself and return to the present moment. There are dozens of meditation apps on the market, and millions of free guided meditations, and it's absolutely amazing that we get to have access to all of this knowledge. Truly something to be grateful for (haha!). Some meditations focus on dropping into gratitude and becoming aware of the things we have in life that we can give thanks for. Feeling a wave of gratitude wash over is one of the most beautiful experiences. It is deep soul nourishment and reassurance. It can make you feel connected to yourself, others, and life itself.

Due to its amazingness, people all over are spreading the good word about mindfully practising gratitude, and we should. Each day, I see a myriad of posts on instagram that suggest we "be grateful for the things we have". At the end of a year, and my God what a fucked up year 2020 has been, these posts ramp up as people take stock of the past 365 days. But there's a problem with instagram and these sort of posts.

Instagram was built and designed for visual posts, not text. This often leads to people watering down or simplifying of psychological, philosophical, spiritual, scientific, environmental, political, ... concepts or ideas in order to create a catchy posts that will generate a lot of likes and shares. In other words, instagram doesn't allow for nuance, which is why I am writing this on another platform. Instagram isn't user-friendly enough for text, so users tend not to read the text, and just process the little quotes or phrases in the actual photo.

So, every day we get inundated with posts to 'write a gratitude journal' or to 'write gratitude lists', etc etc. This year particularly, writing down things to be grateful for may not come easy for some of us, because maybe everything *was* really awful and you feel hopeless and too exhausted to even find a smidge of gratitude. "But everyone else is being grateful (on their insta), so why can't I?" you might wonder. The answer to this particular question is usually not given in a short insta post. Granted, it is probably quite easy to objectively list things such as shelter and food as things to be grateful for, but *feeling* the gratitude reverberate through your entire body is a completely different experience - and this is what brings us this connectedness.

But, wtf do you do when that feeling just doesn't come? You have a house, you have a family, you may have a job, but ... nothing. So what next?

Enter SHAME and GUILT. We feel guilty for not being grateful enough, but we want to be grateful, oh we want it so much, because we *know* life is beautiful, but we might just not *feel* it in a specific moment. So we're ashamed that we can't be thankful to just be alive, maybe we even feel greedy, asking for too much. Most gratitude posts don't talk about how to navigate the guilt of not being able to feel grateful. And this shame we experience is very similar to the one we sense when we "just can't think happy thoughts" akin to the toxic positivity movement.

To everyone out there who feels guilty or ashamed that they cannot be grateful for where they're at: It's OK. You cannot force it. If it's not there right now, then it's not there, but that doesn't mean it won't ever be there. It may just mean that you're at a different stage in your journey. But in that particular moment it would be inauthentic to conjure up a feeling to match the pressure you're putting on yourself.

If you can't be grateful, fuck it, don't be.

Yes, basking in gratitude does feel amazing, but this feeling doesn't define you. No feeling or emotion defines you. You're not a better or worse human for not feeling gratitude. In fact, I'd argue the more integrity you have towards how you truly feel, the closer you are to being unapologetically yourself, and ultimately happier. So, if gratitude is not available, let it go, and drop deeper to explore - kindly and with curiosity - what other feelings there might be, and allow that to be instead.

(You can follow me on instagram.com/unfold.withkate - yes, I'm aware of the irony, but it's not a black and white world :)