Insecurity Speaks

insecurity Speak: Nekisha Rhodes 2/17/19 @10:25

Why am I insecure? What stops me from realizing my full potential? How are insecurities created?

How important are words or the lack of the right ones? Could words really hurt me, and, have they? How do I find out what I don't know I don't know?

Insecurity Speak is my journey of discovering myself. I truly thankful for all life experience that brought me to this writing. I believe I was born into the world with the ability and the opportunity to grew into my person without being interrupted by insecurity. I want to be clear, I am not talking about fear. I say this because there are times when the two really can't be told apart. I am talking about being unable to find rest within and thereby unable to create a life with joy instead of happiness, and peace instead of relaxation and settlements.

This journey is vital because growth health is at risk!! By growth health I mean how healthy the individual develop as a character in animation or a person on this planet.. So, what is insecurity? I chose not to go the most known route to answer this by reciting the dictionary. We all know what it is like to deal with insecurity. we want to make secure our money never runs out so we work way too hard, most times for way too little,to secure this burning desire to provide for life even in the face of ongoing threat of losing our jobs or health. We see everyday how systems like banks and insurance companies or collages just shut the doors in the face of their investors and people, who thought they had security within these organizations, fail to deliver on the sometimes covert or overt promise of security. we lock our doors, but yes we know all too well of the many stories of break ins and unfortunate endings. How does one be secure? What does one find security in? Is there only false security at best?

Materializing our inner being without allowing the ugliness and the pain of the journey to make us, well, ugly and unable to receive and give peace. Is not it all about having security and peace on earth?

Questions may sum up this writing.... Most writings are thought to be written after the writer has overcome their "Dark night of the soul" I have come a very long way in my time so far and I hope and believe that I have learned something that could possibly help my daughter and someone else, but I have a very long way to go. Helping someone else is vital because we are truly all one. The bad energy that is would have us all turn ugly because in ugliness there's no treat of love and growth. I refuse to allow negativity because of insecurity to take over my life. I would rather look at myself and go through the pain of change, and this is scary and hard. I would be lying if I said that when I look at myself there is nothing there that I don't like or want to see or better yet out right deny, but this is the only way to the truth, and I came to the point in my life where I would die for the truth. The truth about myself most of all, and then relationships and business and life. When this is done backwards, we end up having external things and nothing more. Security then at its core is not material. Not to make fun or mock anyone, but as we all know of the many famous people who are good looking with good looking boyfriends and girlfriends and money and yet they confess, a lot of them, that those things and relationships could not fill the lack in their hearts. How is that possible???? Everything, I mean, everything in this world points all to the almighty dollar, fame, and love from others. So this interested me. If they are not secure how does the regular person find security? See? we must go within...

I have learned, and am learning to maintain a truthful healthy inner relationship with myself. I respect others' definition of a healthy inner relationship with one self. What I mean by healthy is being honest when I am wrong and right for the simple fact that it's right, and move forward in integrity, truth, and love. No matter how I feel or where I stand, the truth is the truth. What's my point here? Honesty is the key to guiding change so that life goes where we intend for it to go, not choices made of insecurities . Change will happen, but how happens is manageable for positive growth and realizing that we have been controlled by insecurity for as long as we have is honesty, and the fear that underline insecurity is most powerful of the two. Where does this fear come from? For me it comes from being born to have the trials of knowing too much too soon and experiencing sexual abuse twice at a young age, and the trauma of not dealing with it emotionally. Learning of drugs and the like in an environment of death and mostly broken hearts broken minds and broken lives. Not to say it was all bad all the time. No, We found ways to smile and make the best of what we had but it was all too hard for a little girl, you know? I do not blame anyone. I really don't blame my hero mother for all the hard work she gave all while being nice and sweet. My mother was not perfect but she was honest and goodhearted, and I will always respect and love her twice. One for being my mother and two for being who she was. She could not handle all that stuff though,and I believe it was part of her early death. Seeing her die in so much pain added to my pain, and to add to that my oldest brother,who had been in prison for ten years dies less than a year of been released after she died. If this isn't enough to grow insecurity for you it was for me. Facing my insecurities scars me, and to be honest I am not the best at it. This used to beat me up day and night because I felt like I was not doing enough but I learned that small choices really does matter. Brick By Brick... Line Upon Line.... I am not in a competition with anyone. My journey, my life, is my story to write just as all others have the same right.

I remember when I first started to realize I matter. This feel stupid to say because I want to be believe that there was never a time when I did not matter to myself. Right? I had to face the fact that I was never taught how to know myself or love myself. I learned how to people please in hopes that I would get the same treatment in return. This did and does not work and I was wrong to ask for love and respect in this co-dependent covert kind of way out of insecurity. This is something I am still overcoming and overcome I shall.... I am very grateful for how far I have come. We must learn to not give up on our selves in this life. Sometimes us woman are so conditioned to continue in supporting everyone else meanwhile subconsciously numb to our very own self. When you don't know you matter, you develop your person the wrong way with wrong patterns. Getting some wired satisfaction out of all the co-dependent unfair unhealthy relationships you have created over the years. Believing, deep down, that we do not have what it takes and we do not deserve to be loved or even considered. This is a secret serious problem that is not talked about mostly because it is not defined within a lot of us. We don't know what is wrong sometimes!! How do we find it? We do love ourselves we take good care of ourselves, and we protect ourselves from danger. We will not walk in the ocean, unless we are trying to die, but normally we will not do this because, well, we love ourselves. Yet, if we do an honest check on how well we really view ourselves things don't add up. They didn't for me at least. Finding our subconscious neglect is a road that is different for everyone, and sometimes we never find it because it takes hard inner work that require a lot of changing and confessing to yourself your ways that must die in order for this growth to take place.

Overlooking myself was the first to go for me. People pleasing to the point of personal discomfort isn't a peaceful solution for interacting with others because I had no peace in doing this and secret resentment developed. This is not a negative thing. This is respectfully respecting and considering others no more and definitely no less than myself. There is no fast way to remove all the layers of this... Insecurity is always there wanting to come in wanting me to believe again in the lie of me not being worthy even though I know I am worthy. Like I said, this is not easy but it is very very worth it. I would rather die than to cower to the bondage of insecurity. Whatever hinders you from growing and being who you truly are is indeed bondage. Holding back good ideas out of fear that is rooted in the fact that you really don't feel you can or you deserve to be good at something and happy about it without feeling nervous to the point of letting it go. You find a good reason why you had to let it go, but the truth is underneath, and you waste more precious time not using your talents and hiding from yourself. It is also here where bitterness grow for the people and things that didn't return the kind of treatment or love we gave them or it. If I love you you will love me? If I am nice to you you would be nice to me? If I respect you you will respect me? We know this is not the way the world works, but this is not the point. The point is for those of us to lovingly start being honest with ourselves when we are doing this and kindly reverse it with verbal reassurance and the truth that we can lovingly handle this, and if it's not able to be handled lovingly, than maybe our part is done and the relationship or whatever is meant to end. But stay true to you and your convictions and stay loving towards the situation, and others involved including yourself. This is it and this is vital. Resentment has place out of feeling owed. We must love ourselves and others for free for Love as the entity it is. Not to say put up with bad or disrespectful situations, but to love people out of love and not out of performing to be worthy of their love in return. This is codependency and depending on others for reassurance of self is always a dead end.

We must love ourselves. we must be honest with the truth about how we are responsible for our own insecurity and forgive ourselves and others and let the healing began. Removing this layer is so freeing it almost feels as if it's all over and done with, but of course, there is much more work to be done. Slowly removing the false truths that I thought summed up who I am is hard and scary because of all the unknown untouched space within that is left wondering who I am? Isn't it funny how one could actually become addicted to their pain? Hating the insecurity yet confused on how to be without it, and all the while begging to be set free, too farsighted to see they are already free, but they must know that it's possible. How do you learn that it's possible? Where do you go for that training in this life to show you how to believe that you have all the same rights at a healthy, joyful, happy life as all living beings? I had to learn it through pain and heartache, and I bet a lot of others had to as well. That saying " What don't kill you makes you stronger" Is true, but I believe what don't kill you has the potential to make you stronger, or weaker. It is what you do with the pain and memory of the situation, and how you process it emotionally and decide to behave for your life that determines your strength or lack of. This is the part of that saying that somebody should have been teaching because it is vital in becoming stronger. letting go of insecurity may be scary, and we may not know who we are for a while in the process ,but we will surly find out very fast who we are not. I know I did. I learned that playing small all the time and putting myself last was one of the false truths that needed to be dealt with first. I always hated it anyway I just couldn't put my finger on it out of subconscious denial of the fact that I matter.

Other people are not responsible for making me happy and I am not responsible for making other people happy. I want relationships based on mutual respect and individual acceptance and love for free. In all my relationships I want to allow others to feel,react,and respond how they wish without trying to force them to agree or side or see things my way and I would really appreciate the same. Even if they are wrong they still have that right, as I do, to feel . Respecting each others' right of individuality is vital to any healthy relationship. Is it really possible to live a life free of insecurity though? I believe it is absolutely possible to be,if not without the presence of insecurity, certainly unbothered by its threat. Insecurity will always be possible because we are always uncertain about life. We are not sure we will return home after we leave for work, the store, or even wake up the next day but it is possible to enjoy life without being tormented by fear. This is true only by knowing yourself through the process of finding the root of your insecurity. Being honest enough to let yourself be uncomfortable to undergo the death of the old ways of thinking, living, and being. I must say this again, this process isn't easy and there are areas where I may be doing very well and not so well or worse in other ares in my life. I say this because for some reason we tend to believe that if we are doing good we must be doing good in all areas of our lives at the same time or we are not doing good at all. This is not true. But, I must confess I still have days where battling this is hard but the truth always prevail. It is the truth that will set us free. The truth is true weather or not people like it. I respect this about the truth because it isn't looking for friends or enemies it's just the truth, it has what is needed in standing alone. What is true for one person may not be true for another at the stage they are in in their life right now. This is why one must find their own inner self to see what their truth is and how to learn how to learn to live it. That's right, learn how to learn to live it. We have to learn our truth and live it with all our hearts because if we don't we take up space too small for us and there by only being and not truly living.

Having things said to you or about you in front of you as a child that isn't positive is indeed, I believe, the building blocks of creating insecurity. Words are so powerful and they do far more damage than sticks and stones could ever hope to do. Unlike a stone or a stick that cause pain we will one day forget, words have staying power that could follow you all your life from within. From a girl to a women I am still overcome all the negative words that was said about me by adults. These lies like to make you wonder it they are at all true, and from time to time through out life you make choices or not make choices because you don't really know what's true about yourself. Was I going to have all those kids they said I would have before I was sixteen? This kind of stuff was said about me when I was a little girl. I had my one and only daughter when I was twenty-three living on my own taking good care of myself.... In fact, all the bets on me being out of control and lost where lost. I am not perfect, and I was a grown little girl. Adults with healthy mentalities will try and save a child with words, not propel their downfall. Always consider the source.

As you realize who you are not, who you are comes out naturally and beautifully. Father used those very lies and made me see the truth by them and for this I am grateful. I am grateful for being hurt because it didn't kill me, and I allow it to make me stronger by accepting. Accepting is a powerful tool in the process cause it allows for peace to enter in and when peace comes there is joy to be shared. Peace has one face but many forms. There is peace in the process of the eradication of insecurities but sometimes it doesn't feel or look like it because of all the work a head. Words are powerful in any direction, and when we speak over those negative lies with the words of positive truth we will get stronger and stronger if we believe we are good enough, and keep working on ourselves. We learn to appreciate ourselves as well as others and learn to watch out for criticizing ourselves and others. We are not our flaws or sins and we must see the truth of the fact that we are not problems to be overcame. I know for me this is still very hard.. Because I just can't seem to be perfect I find myself feeling the exact difference. Even though I know it's not always true, I wonder if I am just making excuses for myself and not working hard enough or if I really am giving it the best that I have got? What I do know is that I will never give up because I have proof of progress. I am not where I wanna be, but I am not where I used to be.... I am a human- Being... How I chose to animate my being is up to me. Weather I am for the light or the darkness is what will show up as I go about in this world

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The absence of the right words could cause just as much pain or more than the wrong ones. Never hearing you're smart or beautiful or never seeing anyone reaching for any goals in your environment is very toxic and has more than enough space for insecurity to grow and fester. So we must give these things to ourselves by speaking the truth no matter how we feel and keep working no matter how we fail. This doesn't feel too good most of the time but it's not about the way I feel. All things are ending and so only what I do for goodness and love matters in the end and I would rather die trying to live for the goodness from my heart than bow to darkness without and within. I stand on this in the face of my insecurities and flaws because it will all be over in a flash, a moment of time, a snapshot of being in this form in this sphere. When I see things in terms of the truth anything is possible. I realized this and this too I use for fuel to keep believing and working. Giving up isn't an option for me it's slowing up that I fall into when things aren't going the way I see fit for them to go or I am allowing insecurity to have more power at the time than the truth. This happens more than I would like to admit but that's okay I see it for what it is, and I move forward sometime slowly, in tears, and in pain but forward I move or die because the other option is death while living and that's acceptable for me. I am going to fight lose or win. Life is finite. The possibilities of us getting out of it alive is highly unlikely anyway weather I run and hide or face it and fight. My will gets weak at times but wounded and all till the death of me I will fight to know myself and to strive to become all that I have been created to be, all that I am. All humans have this right and the right to fight their own fight and go their own way about it. It is important, no matter how false it feels, for us to say with the mouth the positive truth only to ourselves. It is very true that what one is believing and saying is the cause of their reality. Believing in myself in the face of false realities and not feeding the lies and whatever is not fed dies in due time.