In the After

In the After

For All the Trauma Survivors Out There

Written By: Valerie Amante

When someone goes through something so terrible, so completely and irrevocably horrible, it leaves behind a remnant. A permanent scar that is very hard to heal. You have to find a way to put yourself back together but it’s just not easy. You have to confront those demons within yourself. Because they had a long time to sink their claws into your subconscious. They’ve had lots of time to create the perfect misery for you each time you close your eyes and keep those ominous thoughts lingering for the rest of the day. Some days you feel like a husk of a person. Some days you don’t want to leave your house because you don’t want to be reminded of the past. Because there’s always some reminder—some trigger—lingering in the world. And you can’t really predict these flashbacks or stop the feelings they bring on. There’s no magic wand that will fix you or a magnificent pill that will heal your brokenness. There will be days that you question if there is any hope for your recovery. There will be many moments of doubt. There will be times that you just want to give up because the pain and fear is so intense, and you scream and cry in frustration. There will be moments where you feel like a burden to your family because they will see you fall and fall hard, and they will either support you or fail you. You have to come to terms with the fact that this will be the most difficult thing you will ever have to do and if the people in your life aren’t there to support you through each high and low, then you need to realize that you need to let them go. There will come a point where you can’t even remember what life was like before. There will just be the after. And then from that point on you will try to patch yourself up the best you can as you slowly suture each cut and soothe each abrasion. There will be times when you wish you were numb and there will also be times to the contrary where you will feel nothing at all and lose yourself in the darkness. There will be times when you feel more like a victim than a survivor and in those moments, you need to remind yourself that you’re still here—you’re still breathing. And even if that doesn’t sound like a lot, it is.