I Wasn’t In Control of My Life — I Was Just Distracted

Do you do things that feel good in the moment… but leave you feeling empty after?

Like reaching for your phone when you’re sad. Opening YouTube instead of opening your mouth to speak your truth.

Promising yourself you’ll start “tomorrow,” then distracting your way through today.

I did that too. I thought I was making my own choices.

But I wasn’t. I was being quietly controlled—by my habits, my fears, my patterns.

Here’s how I overcame it.

The Lie I Kept Telling Myself

“It’s just one video.”

“I need a break.”

“I’ll stop after this episode.”

That was my soundtrack—soft, innocent lies. No harm done, right?

But those lies stole my time.

Then they stole my energy.

Then they stole the version of me I was trying to become.

The truth hit me quietly one night as I scrolled past midnight, again. My phone burned in my hand, but my chest felt colder than ever.

I wasn’t choosing joy. I was escaping discomfort.

And the worst part?

I called it self-care.

I Wasn’t Escaping Stress — I Was Escaping Myself

It wasn’t the notifications. It wasn’t the apps.

It was the silence underneath them.

Whenever I sat still, my thoughts got louder. The voice that asked:

“Why haven’t you finished that project?”

“Why are you always tired?”

“What are you even doing with your life?”

So I scrolled. I ate. I watched. I avoided.

Not because I was lazy. But because I was afraid of what I’d feel if I actually sat with myself.

And I realized:

Most people aren’t escaping reality.

They’re escaping their reflection.

I Thought I Was in Control — But I Was Just Distracted

I used to laugh at people who said “I’m addicted to my phone.”

I thought addiction meant shaking hands and desperate cravings.

But mine was quieter.

I just… couldn’t stop.

I’d delete an app, then reinstall it 2 hours later.

I’d take breaks, then binge even harder the next day.

I’d promise I’d sleep early—but scroll until 2 a.m. in the dark.

And every time I did it, I told myself:

“I’m still in control.”

But I wasn’t.

Because control without clarity isn’t real.

I was reacting, not choosing.

Numbing, not resting.

Living, but not awake.

The Moment I Felt the Cost in My Chest

It wasn’t dramatic. Just a slow ache.

I had wasted another day. Not working. Not growing. Not even relaxing.

Just… drifting.

I stared at the ceiling and realized:

I’m 100 tabs open, 1000 steps behind, and I don’t even know what I’m trying to reach anymore.

That’s when the shame hit.

The shame of self-abandonment.

Of knowing exactly what I needed—and doing the opposite, over and over again.

It was never about motivation.

It was about honesty.

And I had been lying to myself with beautiful distractions.

I Started Taking Back One Hour at a Time

I didn’t start with a morning routine or a 30-day detox.

I started with one uncomfortable hour.

One hour every day where I didn’t numb.

No phone. No noise. Just me.

I sat with the urge to distract myself—and didn’t obey it.

I journaled, even when I didn’t know what to write.

I went on a walk without earbuds.

I faced the silence I used to run from.

And something strange happened.

That ache in my chest? It softened.

That shame? It turned into self-respect.

That fear? It began to trust me again.

Because I was finally showing up—for real.

Final Reflection

I’m not perfect now. I still scroll. I still slip.

But now, I notice.

And that changes everything.

I’ve made peace with boredom.

I’ve made space for growth.

And I’ve learned that the most powerful kind of healing…

Is the one no one claps for.

The quiet kind.

The hour you take back.

The choice you don’t run from.

🔚 Final Thoughts :

You’re not lazy.

You’re not broken.

But maybe—like me—you’ve been numbing yourself with comfort, and calling it freedom.

Here’s how to come back:

Catch the lies.

Sit in the silence.

Take back one hour.

Let discomfort teach you something real.

You don’t need to burn your habits to the ground.

You just need to stop abandoning yourself.