I Slammed the Door On Low Self-Esteem

For most of my life I have struggled with low self-esteem. I have always been different and for years I considered that to be a bad thing. I realize now that being different is my greatest strength.

I spent much of my childhood in and out of the hospital due to severe asthma and being allergic to pretty much anything that lived except humans. Between that and being in the gifted program at school, I was the subject of taunts for many years, and the target of a particular bully who made my elementary and part of my junior high school years a living hell.

I was always the “good girl,” but in high school I turned into an all black-clad rebel, treating anyone who had crossed me with utter disdain and trying my best to turn them into frogs. (Hey, teenagers, right? What are ya gonna do?) I outgrew that — well, most of it — although I still return the same energy to idiots that they spew to me.

The affliction of low self-esteem also caused me to “settle” in relationships that I should have ran from at the beginning. From being sexual assaulted to surviving living with a narcissistic sociopath (yep, two different men), I have been happily single by choice and celibate for twelve years. And I have no intention of changing that.

Fast forward a few years, where as a single mom, my adult son and I were sharing a home with my mother, whom I was very close with and loved dearly. Four years ago, a few days after Christmas, we suddenly and unexpectedly lost her due to an — unknown to us — aortic aneurysm. And my world immediately turned upside down.

While my asthma has improved since childhood, I now have other issues, having multiple autoimmune diseases and never knowing how my health will be from hour to hour. Mom helped me with many things because of this, including my e-commerce business.

Mom also had the sweetest Chihuahua you would ever meet and loved him more than anything. (Sometimes I felt more than us, but after taking care of him for three years, I understand now.) So, not only did I have legal things to deal with (Mom had debt), trying to stay afloat financially and attempting to run my business, taking care of a dog who had health issues, and suddenly a homeowner with all the problems that came with it, there simply wasn’t time or energy left to worry about self-doubt. It was sink or swim. If I let self-doubt hold me back, I wasn’t going to make it. I decided to swim. And yes, my adult son helped as much as he could, but he had his own life to deal with. (And I really hate asking for help.)

The e-commerce business kept going, just much smaller. Which didn’t help my finances, so I had to go back to working an outside job, but it would have to be something I could do from home, considering I never knew when I would have to lie down. God took care of that by making sure I saw an ad for a writer here in my hometown. I got the job — and many compliments — and even though it only lasted a few months, it did what I think it was intended to do.

I have always loved to write, and even though I have a degree in journalism, it took working for a published author as a ghostwriter, who — along with others in the office — heaped praises upon my work, to finally come to the realization, that yes, I am a talented writer. It should not have taken that long for me to break through the fear of not being good enough to admit that, but I’m thankful it finally happened.

The past few years, as my son and I have dealt not only with losing my mother — and last year losing our sweet dog — financial ruin, being pulled out of that thanks to things put in place by my late grandparents, having unexpected things arise to cause worry again, moving, and my son having health issues of his own, that I recently paused and reflected that right now, at this not old but older age, that I am the most confident I have ever been in my life.

Now, am I saying you have to go through hell and back to gain self-confidence? It helps, but no. Here’s some things you need to realize:

You have talents. You have gifts. You have a purpose for being on this earth at this time in history. Realize what those talents are and don’t be afraid of what others think to admit to yourself that you are good at them. The more you cultivate those talents, the easier it will be to discover your purpose.

When it comes down to it, when it really comes down to it, there are only two opinions of yourself that matter — God’s and your own. God loves you and wants the best for you, so that one’s covered (just don’t go do something evil like hurt kids or something). Your opinion of yourself is going to determine what kind of life you have.

Read that again.

Your opinion of yourself is going to determine what kind of life you have.

Yes, you are good enough. Yes, you are smart enough. Yes, you can do that thing that comes so easily to you and other people will like it. And if they don’t like it, or they don’t like you? Who cares? Screw them. Their opinion DOES NOT MATTER. Scroll back up. Whose opinion matters? Whose opinion is going to determine how your life turns out? Not whiny, jealous people. Not people who are terminally miserable and can never be pleased. It took me way too long to realize these truths and my hope is that no else wastes most of their life thinking they’re not good enough.

So, don’t be afraid to do that thing you’ve always wanted to do. Write that piece, get on that stage, show off that painting…whatever it is, just do it, and quit letting the fear of not being good enough stop you.

You are enough. Your talents matter. Your opinions matter. YOU matter.

You never know when your last day will be. Don’t waste the time you have left drowning in self-doubt and despair. It’s time to sink or swim and you need to quit sinking.

It’s time for you to swim.

Originally published on Medium here.