I'm coming out.

I have a big secret to tell. The biggest of my life. I have a secret that is the root of my triggers, the root of my depression, the root of my shame. I have a secret that chokes me and eats me alive. At my lows, I am gasping for air, I am drowning in sadness and despair. Hoping the secret will just...go away.

My secret has caused me to self-sabotage. To ruin relationships. To be obsessed with perfection. I'm going to share my secret with you and I ask that you respect it and protect it. I ask that you don't shame me or blame me. It's so hard to just say it out loud because then it becomes real. Like really real. No longer a memory real. No longer brushed off as a bad dream, real. Like, I know it happened, the flashbacks are nauseating, they make me squeeze my eyes closed in hopes the pressure will make the vision go away. The slightest trigger of a memory makes me cringe, spasm like.

And now, everyone knows it my secret, even the people I tried to protect - who I feel I am now hurting. My secret is a secret that's been kept for thousands of years. It's been kept discrete by the shaming, the gas-lighting and the wiping of tears. A secret that is unspoken, and tests time. A secret that made me so hard, when I was cracked open, there was an ocean of tears to be released. A layer of pain to be shed. A secret that while I am ashamed, it has allowed me to survive.

I'm yelling, to the world, "ME TOO."

Me too, my whole life. And I stand in my truth.

Man, I am shaking as I write this. My body feels chills and shakes and anxiety and illness and anger and...... and relief. You see, I have kept this secret since I was in grade-school, when I was innocent. So innocent that I didn't want anyone to get in trouble so I did not tell my mom. So innocent that I did not even understand the concept of what was going on. So innocent that it feels engraved in my roots because it happened way before I even sprouted. So innocent that I was so trusting of so many people. So innocent that it was more than one place, more than one age, more than one person.

So innocent that a friend of mine told me she thought I was Naive, but after hearing my story, she realized I had been "broken."

So here is to finally healing. Here is finally being Free.

You may be asking why am I speaking out after all these years. Your answer is very simple. The silence is eating me alive. I feel like I have not been able to properly heal because I have not been able to cope from years of trauma. I will never share who assaulted me because this is not about them. I just do not want to be angry anymore. I want to forgive them. I want to be at peace with myself and I have come such a long way! I went from feeling like an object, born for sex, to reclaiming my time, my body, my spirit, my soul.

I'm coming out from hiding. I am speaking my truth. And if I am sorry for anything, its keeping it a secret for so long.

Thanks for Reading.