"I am a worthwhile human being."

One of my biggest enemies is myself. I have a hard time looking in the mirror and not being literally sick to my stomach at the sight of myself. My ex-husband made it a point to let me know that I was disgusting and he was ashamed to be seen with me.

I am a worthwhile human being.

Luckily, my fiance tells me every day how beautiful I am, so I know the past is wrong. He also stares at me when I'm doing stupid things, like cooking, or taking care of the kids. Or first waking up with dragon breath and troll hair (not the cute singing trolls either, I'm talking about a Brother's Grimm troll.)

I also have a bad habit of feeling absolutely insecure and inferior. My mind tries to swallow me whole, every day. Dark thoughts constantly run through my mind. I'm not a good enough mother. I don't make enough money to help my family out, I'm useless. My house isn't perfectly clean. I make so many mistakes. My family would be better off if I were gone. I'm such a burden. This is just the tip of the iceberg of the void within me.

I am a worthwhile human being.

Luckily I have kids who remind me every few minutes how much they love me. How much they need me. My 1-year-old son stares at me as much as his dad does, and my daughters follow me around like ducklings, trying to copy everything I do. They cling to me, for every good and bad feeling, loving me purely and unselfishly. They don't even know that they're the ones comforting me, keeping me strong.

I fight these thoughts. Everyday. And a lot of it is conditioning from the past. When we listen to people or things that tell us certain things, we believe them. For a long time, I had a trend of attracting people who made me feel...worthless. They would tell me I was worthless. Their actions would tell me how worthless I was to them, and they didn't care if I left. And eventually, somewhere, a small dark but very powerful piece began to believe it.

I AM a worthwhile person. And I know I am. The logical, smart side of me knows that these dark thoughts are all lies. My children would be lost without me. My oldest daughter (5 years) has her head so far up my behind every day trying to cling to me that I'm not sure she knows what daylight looks like. My younger daughter, well she's my adopted daughter. I taught her how to play, how to walk, how to eat properly. I have worked to undo the infantile trauma that has been done to her. She looks up at me, and I can see the doubt in her little three-year-old eyes sometimes, and I have to wrap my arms around her and remind her she's perfect just the way she is, even if she's too smart for her little self to handle, so she tests my patience more than the other children.

You are always a valuable, worthwhile human being - not because anybody else says so, not because you're making lots of money - but because you decide to know it.

I have a set of cards that are filled with positive affirmations. And this one is the one I needed to read today. I had to write about it. I'm exhausted, battling these thoughts. But I know that fighting them is a choice. I can either believe the lies of the past, fall into the darkness and believe what I have been conditioned to believe.

Or I can choose to look past the darkness and peer into the depths of the light myself and see my worth.

I am not a perfect mother, but I love them with every single atom of my existence. And I do my best for them. I don't make a lot of money - but I am a business owner, a published author, and if I HAD to go back to being corporate America's slave then I have a business degree that could make sure my annual salary is much more than minimum.

But my wonderful, loving fiance wants me to be at home with the kids, running my side business and writing (he enjoys the food too), and being the stay-at-home mom he knows I need to be truly happy (I may have some separation trauma anxiety from my kids... I have a really hard time being away from them. This is why I'm glad I'll still have the baby at home while both the girls are in school this year. I know. I have issues. I'm working on them guys, I promise.)

I am smart. I am creative. I keep my family together.

It's hard to see past the darkness. But I fight for it. Because that's what I have to do to get past my trauma. I have to someday believe these things without fighting to believe them, without having to battle off the doubt and darkness that threatens to consume my delicate existence.

So... for those of you who have these issues. I hope that you guys will join me in fighting for my positive affirmations. If I am a worthwhile person, then you are too. I don't care what your situation is. I don't care who you are. Or what you have been through. Or what mistakes you have made - because let's be perfectly clear - EVERY human makes mistakes. It doesn't make you worthless.

I don't care how old you are and if you don't have a career or if you're rich. I don't care if you are a parent, a student, a troubled teen, a traumatized young adult, or a bitter middle-aged person who can't get over the past. If you have been sitting in your gloom, falling for the lies of your heart that is telling you you're worthless, I want you to join me.

I want you to say, every day, after you think something negative. "I am a worthwhile person."

Because you are. EVERY life matters. YOUR life matters. You don't EVEN know how valuable you are. You could have been kind to someone at just the right time and saved their lives and don't even know it. You could have prevented someone from hurting. If you have rescued an animal - you ARE a hero - to some being on this planet.

If you are alive and breathing in this moment - that's WORTH something. Even struggling to stay alive is an inspiration to some people. So tell the darkness to shut the hell up. Join me. I scream internally as LOUD as I dare at the darkness:

I am a worthwhile person. I am valuable! I am LOVED! I am AMAZING! I am WORTHY!

And so are you. And if you need me to scream at the darkness for you until you're strong enough to, I will. Because others did it for me. People who loved me, who I love, stood by me as I was curled up in the darkness feeling sorry for myself. They stood by me, and they screamed: "YOU ARE WORTHWHILE! YOU ARE IMPORTANT!"

So I will do that for you too. Whoever you are. I don't care that I don't know you. Because if someone like me is worthwhile, then someone like you is worthwhile too.

So dare to defy that darkness. Dare to believe, look beyond it, and don't seek validation from others. Because YOU are the only one that can decide if you are worthy or not. And if you have survived. If you have lived. If you have fought for every inch you have. If you have never felt like you will see the light at the end of the darkness but you KEPT living: THEN YOU ARE WORTHWHILE. Choose to see it with me.

We can be our own light. Because we deserve it.