How to Get Over Anything

I believe the key to getting over things isn't 'getting over' them at all. We believe we have healed when we no longer think about that ex, or that friend, or that job, or whatever it is that we think we've 'lost.' Here's my take on it!

Nothing ever really belongs to us, and it is the realisation that everything comes and goes at the right time that will help us understand that we were only ever making room for something else. There are no mistakes, wrong turns or missed opportunities—only lessons. Every single person you ever meet, every job you work, every book you read and every place you visit serves to teach you something about yourself and life itself.

My first romantic relationship with another person lasted about four and a half years. I entered that relationship aged 15, so it took up a huge part of my young adult life. Because I didn't know any better and was basing my relationship knowledge on a dangerous combination of romantic comedies and childhood trauma, it did not go as I had envisioned. It would be very easy for me to say it was all the fault of my ex, who was seven years my senior and should have known better, however the truth is that the relationship was just a reflection of who I was at the time, and what I needed to examine in my character. In hindsight it showed me how insecure, manipulative and truly selfish I was. I didn't love myself fully, and was expecting someone else to validate my self-worth by giving me all their time, attention and love. I was demanding of someone else what I was incapable of giving myself, which is ultimately what pushed him away and caused the relationship to break down. My young and naïve self was totally distraught and deeply mourned what had been my first experience of romantic love, perhaps ideally the first kind of love we actually have to work for (assuming the parent(s) isn't/aren't also caught up in demanding validation from their child).

Relationships (of all kinds, not just romantic) are possibly one of the clearest ways in which we can examine ourselves. That is why it is becoming common knowledge that the most important relationship should always be with yourself, if we are to have healthier relationships with others. It is the safest way for us to explore our needs, boundaries, desires, and sexuality, and we might then reduce the risk of tolerating someone who has a toxic relationship with themselves. This is why self love is so radical, and ultimately the key to healing. Once we love and have healed ourselves, we can form meaningful and mutually respectful connections with others.

I believe the idea that we are truly 'over' something when we no longer think about it, is actually not the whole truth. Not thinking about it, or denial is merely an early stage of grief. There are multiple models, so it's up to you how many stages you decide there are, but I would say that this denial is roughly second to the initial shock of loss, or trigger. Only once we have gone through all the stages, often including anger, depression, and hope, can we finally arrive at understanding and the ability to help others.

Of course hindsight has 20/20, and I am by no means saying that we should be totally numb to the emotions of loss. Every bit of sadness, frustration and confusion is valid and crucial to the healing process. What I am saying is that the only way we can really 'get over it' (i.e. learn from it) is by leaning into that pain and discomfort so we can see the bigger picture and what that situation served to teach us about ourselves.

Action points

I want to give easy and actionable tips on my stories about what you can do to materialise what I've written, so here are three things you can do right now (or just soonish):

• Have a look at the various stages of grief. Pick a model that most resonates with you, and examine where you might be right now. Respect wherever that is, and trust that you will move through the stages at a pace that is perfect for you.
• Practise self care. There are endless ways of doing this, and none is more correct than another. I, for example, consider cleaning my home self care. I deserve to be in a space that is clean and tidy, and by sorting out my physical surroundings I am mentally happier. Nothing is too small or too big! Preparing a healthy and nourishing meal for yourself, listening to a song you enjoy, taking a nap, going for a walk, going for a holiday, and everything in between! Be proud of yourself for every bit of it, and try not to feel guilty for taking time for yourself. If you do, follow the breadcrumbs and look at why you feel guilt!
• Welcome change. Every time you notice that something is shifting or changing, embrace it! What might look like loss and is painful or difficult now will become a clear part of the journey looking back one day. Just as stagnant bodies of water become dirty and breeding grounds for bacteria, we have to allow ourselves to be more river-like and go with the flow! Acknowledge how you feel and observe your initial resistance, but do your best to move past it.

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Love & light,

Monique