How to be a Plus Size Girl in a Size Zero Minded World.

My entire life I was afraid of my body.

Everyone I knew always said negative things about women who were plus sized. The women you were supposed to aspire to had bodies chiseled from marble.

I was not one of those women. My mother justified my size when I was 8 as “baby fat.” From the day I was born, I was taught that “fat” is bad which is why from a very young age I tried to hide my body. I wore the signature oversized hoodie and baggy jeans which are meant to conceal but overall just make you look sloppy which may have been a 90’s trend, who knows?

The school yard was the battlefield for kids who were so unsure of themselves to pick on those who were not part of the majority. Once, a girl in my 4th grade class called me fat and I was so incredibly mortified I was up all night trying to figure out how I could hide my body. My solution? I duct taped my entire abdomen to appear thin. Have you ever ripped an entire roll of duct tape off your body? It was mortifying. As I grew up, I adapted by being the tough girl. The, “You can’t hurt me, I don’t have feelings.” girl.

It took me until I was 21 to attempt to embrace my body. I had my first boudoir shoot because for some reason people told me I was pretty..when all I saw in the mirror was a grotesque creature that should be hidden away. I was much more confident than I expected but at one point, my photographer asked me to sit on a wooden box for a pin up pose and I started to hyperventilate because I was worried i would break it.

I didn’t build up the strength to pose again for years after that. I began with local photographers that..were not the best. However, I embraced how I looked. It’s so silly to think that people don’t see you as you are. When people compliment you it’s the same person you are looking back at in the mirror that’s they think is beautiful. That was my lesson that changed it all for me.

I started really modeling, having an hourly rate, working with photographers from different countries, traveling to different cities and states to work with people. It was glorious. The best experience I had was working with Teri Hoffard in Portland, Oregon at a mansion decorated to thrill any lover of Art Deco. I was still afraid of my body and of being too much personality wise. Teri never pushed me too far but was an incredible, enlightening person that just brings out the fire you have inside. That was the night, for the first time ever...I posed nude. Not just nude...I danced, naked...in front of a projector playing “Rocket Man.” By David Bowie. It’s an incredible feeling. In an instant you go from being afraid of people seeing you, to fully loving your body. I came to love my body by accepting my body.

I will never try to hide my body again. I will never go to extremes to present a body that is not mine. This is the body I have survived in. These are the arms that held me when I was cold. These are the legs that have projected me in to new places and experiences. This is me.