Day and Night - It gets better

There was a study that stated, "Images have a special power to generate the identifiable-victim effect by triggering positive arousal in the brain." Images can also trigger negative feelings. (NCBI)

The image on the left breaks my heart. My eyes are red from crying night after night, my skin is dull and the sparkle that is normally in my eyes has gone completely silent. People who see you on a daily basis may not notice the difference, the slow progression.

I started 2017 with an amazing outlook. I had close knit friends, I was doing incredibly well with my modeling and able to express myself creatively, I was looking in to buying my first house. I also had someone I was 'talking to.'

I didn't see the signs. No one has placed a billboard with, "How to avoid an emotionally abusive partner." I was stuck blaming myself because.. Did I say that? Didn't he tell me he was there this day? He says he's out with his friends overnight, it must be true. I played the cool girl.

Let me tell you, being the 'Cool Girl' is bullshit. Ignoring what you feel in your gut is bullshit. Letting people lie to you when you know something isn't right is bullshit.

Plenty of people scoff at the word 'Emotional abuse.' It's just being mean right? Which is up to interpretation. Emotional abuse is defined as one person subjection or exposing another person to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression or PTSD. Not what you were expecting right?

There are tactics used by an emotional abuser to manipulate their partner. To make them feel like they are nothing without the abuser. Words that are used to scare you in to playing along with them and their needs. Gaslighting, accusing you of lying, not remembering or denying things that have been said. Controlling behavior such as isolating from friends/family, controlling your social media habits, where you go, what you wear and how you spend your money. Abandonment tactics, threatening to leave or be with someone else. Name calling and verbal abuse. Blowing up small issues. Guilt tripping, playing the victim, sulking and silent treatment.

Unfortunately for many people at least a few of these are present in their relationships. Others, it's like checking off a grocery list.

I was with someone who would disappear for days on end at the beginning of our relationship and say he was at a friends, had no service.

I was with someone who told me that he was watching movies at home when his snapchat told me he was 30 minutes away.

I was with someone who told me he got on dating sites because he was bored and thought it was funny.

I was with someone who told me his ex was lying about them hooking up because she was jealous.

I was with someone who constantly told me, "I didn't say that." "Why are you being crazy?" "Why don't you remember?"

I know many people that are as well.

Where does this come from? Where all our issues come from - our past. Growing up in an abusive household or feeling abandoned by the people that were supposed to care about you. Low self esteem.

Does that mean you should pity someone who does these things? Maybe. Does it mean you should stay? Absolutely not.

I moved 90 miles away to be with my abuser. Whenever I wanted to see my friends or family I was guilt tripped. He threatened to 'hang out with exes.'

I got out of that situation. I moved home. I got away from the toxic environment I was in where I lived every day thinking other people were my enemies because I was told the entire town hated me.

Leaving didn't feel like this amazing new life at first. I cried. A lot. I did all the typical break up things. I felt alone. I never talked about it. I never talked about it because I felt stupid, I wasn't sure if I was crazy, I thought I deserved it.

I decided to find out who I was after what I had went through. I discovered I like that person and that even though the relationship was abusive, I learned a lot from it. I learned what to look for, what I like and what I don't like, how strong I am and what I want in life. You go through so many traumatic things in life and you keep going.

Women are always stigmatized to be 'crazy' or too emotional which is a big reason why many try to be 'the cool girl' and don't call out the red flags when they see them or say they are not okay with being treated a certain way. We are fighting to end the wage gap, we are fighting to stop being cat called, we are supporting other women. Please, support yourself. If you respect other women and love boosting them up, please do it to yourself as well.

The picture on the right is from 2020. I have grown, I have walked away from things that are not meant from me but I am still a work in progress. However, I am happy.

It gets better.