how it all started #1

How it started. When it started. Why it started.

I'm not sure where to begin, as this all started years ago.

Let's get to the point, I was bullied, i was a bully, I was sexually assaulted and i never thought I would say the last part but I said it. I'll start with Me getting bullied I was tall, strong and a girl, most mEn,boys find strong+tall+girl, pretty threatening, so I got bullied called ugly naMes, never got treated as a girl so I Practically turned myself into a boy as I thought it would stop but nope I was wrong. I haTed the way I looked I hated my hair as I thought curly hair was messy, I hated my eYes as they were to big compared to everyone else,I hated my lips as my friends all had nice thin lips, I hated my nose has everyone had a cute little nose, I hated my feet, I hated my hands, I hated my legs,I hated everything, everything on me and I think to myself why would I think that I was young, why would I punish myself, why was i so hard on myself. I started to grow hatred everyday more and more, so I let that out on other people tried to make them feel how I feel. I wish I never turned to that and i'm sorry for however I made you feel. I grew to cry every night, I grew to hate my appearance, I grew to be quiet and loud, I grew to hate, I grew to impress, I grew to never accept, I grew to not be me. Now me getting sexually assaulted, it wasn't the first time, the first time was when I was so young, I got forced, I got told to bend over, I got told if i don't do this I wont get to do this or that, I felt like this was normal, I thought it was ok, I never understood, until I got older but I never talked about it until I got older, he was much older than me and to think a grown teenager would do this to a little girl, he done it every time I came over. Not once did I think to tell my mum as she wouldn't believe me.The 2nd time, I was much older it was in primary school, she was very controlling and very must go my way or else. I felt threatened and scared I did not want to go on her bad side but I was perfectly strong and capable of stopping it but I mentally wasn't strong at all, I thought if I dont carry on with this I wont have friends, I'll be alone. So I had to go with it, she touched me everywhere, she wouldn't stop, she also forced other people, I felt disgusting, it was gross, I was not lesbian or bi, I hated every second of it, as soon as I went home, I went to my room cried and cried, I hated myself more, I wanted to disappear more and more, but I wasn't myself I'm still not me to this day. I lost myself everyday. I was stuck with that judgement throughout my whole school life. This is only the start of everything. I'm not me, I feel this is how I'm supposed to be. I'm not supposed to be here.