How I Became A Villain

I'm not evil. What a way to start, huh? But I'm not. I think down to my core I'm a good person. I'm compassionate, caring, loyal to a fault. But a few years ago I had an awakening. Something deep within me snapped.

Perhaps it was years of tension. The straws of people-pleasing, biting my tongue, and wearing fake smiles piled up until finally I broke.

I told myself, "I'm not going to let people treat me this way anymore." And I stood on it. I meant it.

I left a toxic relationship. I spoke my mind and lost friends. I stopped bending backwards for family who would have never done the same for me.

I started saying no more. I started being who I wanted to be. I started putting my needs first.

And that's what they tell you to do. On social media, in therapy, printed within all the self-help books. They say create boundaries. You can't pour from an empty cup. Choose peace. Choose yourself.

Do I regret it?

Maybe some things. I might've been too harsh with my words and too hasty in my retreats. I could've had a gentler approach.

But I was angry.

The questions I'd suppressed came bubbling to the surface.

How could you treat me this way?

Why would you say that?

How can you expect me to be there for you when you've never been there for me?

Did you ever love me at all?

All the puzzle pieces clicked into place until I finally saw the full picture and kicked the table over. Once you see the pattern of toxicity it's impossible to unsee.

What no one tells you about creating boundaries and standing up for yourself is that the second you do... you become the villain. You almost have to become one in order to fully break free.

People get used to you being there. They get comfortable in their disrespect and begin to rely on your lack of a back bone. So when you finally decide enough is enough, they're left reeling.

The sad truth is if they can't control you anymore, they're going to try and control the narrative.

I heard a quote that helped me a lot. It went something like, "The people who are angry about your boundaries are the ones who benefited from you having none."

I think that's true.

It's far easier for people to stare in open-mouthed shock as you take your life back. To point their fingers and whisper to strangers that you've lost your mind. To shake their heads and say, "You used to be so nice. I don't know what happened." To call you cruel when you call them out.

Let this serve as a warning, from the girl who stopped letting people walk all over her and is now the villain in those stories.

You're going to get painted in a bad light. The truth will be twisted to fit the narrative those toxic people want to follow.

And that is okay.

Because on the other side, you'll find people who are proud of you. You'll find similar souls who had the same revelation. You'll find yourself, too.

So, yeah. I'm not evil. Though there are surely a few tables you could sit down at and be told otherwise.

I just woke up one day and decided I deserved better. Then I didn't stop until better was exactly what I had.

I'll leave you with a poem I wrote when I was in the thick of it:

Villain Era

I made myself in your image.

Modeled your attitude and studied your traits.

I adopted the tactics once used against me.

Darkened my hair and thickened my skin.

Learned to use words like a sharpened knife.

I let you break me until I knew the craft.

Then decided I wanted to give it a try.

Understand when you look at me with disgust

and say through gritted teeth,

"I never thought you'd do this to me."

You taught me everything I know.