How Hanging Out With People Who Like Me Made Me Like Myself
finally being the real me for real
“A sunny place for shady people”
-Somerset Maugham
That was my favorite way to describe Los Angeles when I would trek back to the East Coast, where I’m from, and friends and family would ask me if I “liked it” here.
I’ve officially lived in LA longer than any other city, 6 years, but only in the last 2 years have I found myself really starting to feel like- “yeah, I do like it!”
You see, I had moved to Los Angeles for the same reason so many do, to be a part of “the biz”, and in that sense LA was great for me. I was BOOKING roles and even getting paid. It felt like I was finally in the right place at the right time.
Except for one thing-
I had developed a pattern of winding up in the wrong crowd-
I often surrounded myself with good people who I actually had very little in common with. Instead of recognizing that we simply didn’t mesh- I would internalize the fact that I didn’t fit in. I’d even try to change myself to fit in better- admittedly an incredibly manipulative move on my part, unconscious as it was.
Ultimately- as I’m sure you’ve guessed- this did not work out in my favor. I’d bury parts of my true self until I couldn’t anymore and when I’d hit my limit of pretending to be something I was not, I’d blow relationships up. And I was alone again.
In therapy it came up over and over-
Why did I care so much what others thought of me? Why was I surprised when relationships built on fabricated pretenses ended?
Why did I feel the need to bury my true self so deeply?
All of it led back to an incredibly false core belief, that- unfortunately, reader, I think you may share – I was unlovable unless I was altering myself to make others happy.
I truly believed that pretty much everyone on this planet was deserving of love, attention, appreciation, acceptance, except for me .
I know. It was bad.
It wasn’t until a good friend gave me a piece of advice her own mother had given to her that something started to click-
"Go where you’re wanted."
-Sylvester Mcnutt
Honestly- I had to hear these words over and over and it still took me another YEAR to fully feel like I was doing just that. For me to STOP thinking that not fitting in meant I needed to change who I was. For me to start going where I was truly wanted.
Why was it so difficult?
Because, embarrassingly, I had a subconscious habit of writing “people-who-actually-liked-me”- off automatically. My self-worth was so low, I would actually decide they were weird for liking me! I know- it’s messed up- but I can not be the only person who has done this.
And that’s why I’m repeating these words to you, hoping I’m moving you a little bit closer to that moment where it clicks for you, too.
Because when you go where you’re wanted, you breathe so much deeper. You laugh hard and others laugh with you. You try new things because you know you’re safe to – because you are experiencing love in it’s truest form- acceptance.
And let me tell you- loving the people who love the real me, has made me fall head over heels in love with the real me too.
You deserve that.
Everyone deserves that.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
-Bernard Baruch
About the Creator
Amber Grace
A Los Angeles transplant from Maine, Amber finds meaning through creativity. Amber makes art to better understand herself and others, and to expand on the things that make us all oh-so- human.
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