Horizons

Hot tears streamed down my face that stung in the icy mid-winter wind. On my knees in the pasture of my family’s long abandoned farmhouse, I was a twenty-three-year-old man crying over a bird. Or so I would have been told by most people who didn’t know the history I had with a certain small Barn Owl. An owl that saved that my life once in my youth. He was one of the only true friends that I ever had.

As a child, my household wasn’t the most loving one to grow up in. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Daily beatings of a ten-year-old boy by the shell of a man who my mother said knew no better. I was also an only child who lived on an isolated farm in the middle of a mid-western prairie. Being home-schooled by my mother made it so that I had really had no contact with the outside world, let alone other children my own age. I was essentially alone.

My father wasn’t a nice man. An alcoholic with a temper, he took out his frustrations on me and my mother, and he was angry a lot. At this point in my life, my only friend was a local owl who took a liking to me, I named him Jax. He was my escape from all the screaming and abuse in my household. I found him perched on a tree branch outside of my bedroom window one day. He would hoot all the time, so I began feeding him mice from the cellar. We became fast friends.

Whenever Pa was in a bad mood, Jax would follow me to the nearby stream in a wooded meadow, which would become my safer waters. A place where me and Jax could play, where I could and be a kid without having to worry about a fist or a backhand coming my way. Looking at it now, despite everything, those were good times.

I remember the day my coming-of-age journey started. Pa was on one of his benders. He spent what little money we had on booze and was drinking nonstop. He was being especially monstrous on that day, complaining about being let go from the local mill, telling me and my mom that it was our fault, that we didn’t contribute to anything and that we should be lucky to have anything at all.

I was scared, hiding under our dinner table for comfort while pa was letting my mom have it. It started with screaming and gradually moved on to a vicious beating. It was bad, the worst I had ever witnessed. I started hearing strange hissing sounds coming from Jax as he fluttered around his aviary just outside of the house. The rustling from the cage came to an abrupt stop as Jax flew into the house through an opened window in the dining room.

His talons stretched out and he began tearing at pa’s skin and clothes, cutting him and ripping pieces of his shirt away. In his drunken state, all pa could do was swat around furiously while blurting expletives, trying to get Jax away from him. I ran over to tend to my mother who was unconscious from the savagery my father had just unleashed upon her.

Anger boiled in my thirteen-year-old blood and I ran to attack my father as Jax was distracting him. Being young and a lot smaller than him, my flailing blows to his torso and legs had virtually no effect on him, but I kept swinging with all my might. Suddenly, my arm was ripped upwards as pa lifted me above his head. With one swift motion he threw me across the room where I landed on and broke the same dinner table I was hiding under earlier. There’s a kind of irony in that I always felt.

“You wanna be a big man?!”, He yelled, towering over my battered body as I laid there in a ball, crying over what he might do next. “C’mon tough guy, show me what you’re made of!” Pa cackled mockingly at my pathetic state. He was about to come at me again with more when Jax swooped in and tore up his scalp with his ferocious claws, fighting with a sort of heroic elegance. He was truly trying to save mom and me.

“That’s it!”, Father roared, ducking away from Jax’s attack. “I’m putting your damn bird in the ground!” He grabbed his Carbine rifle that he kept in the closet and started firing rounds off recklessly in the house, every one of them missing Jax. Crying and pleading, I grabbed the cuff of pa’s, pants begging for him to stop. He just dragged me along ignoring me completely, instead, his full focus on killing my friend. Shots seemed to keep going off for an eternity, when he finally stopped to reload. I got up and burst out the front door screaming at Jax to fly away.

I too ran out of the house scared for my life. I felt horrible for leaving mom there in her state with pa, but still I ran. I ran until I couldn’t breathe anymore, and the surroundings were no longer familiar. I ran until I felt numb enough to stop and my legs couldn’t go anymore. I must have run close to four miles without stopping. Under normal circumstances I would have been impressed with myself, but at that moment I couldn’t even think.

I crawled over to an old tree stump to sit up against. It looked like I was on the outskirts of the woods that surrounded my family’s farm. I wasn’t going to go back. There’s no way I could after all that had just happened. I was crying to myself in sorrow when I heard rustling from the leaves a few feet in front of me. It was Jax. He had followed me all the way from the house. I had completely forgot about him in my fog. He came over to me cocking his head and giving out his soft, soothing hoots.

I tore apart of my shirt off so that he could perch upon my arm. I studied his face and wings, becoming more aware of his features. A white heart shaped face with round chocolate-colored eyes. He had brown spots along his white feathers. He was a bit smaller than I noticed before. He was small but he was protecting me and mom against a much larger predator. He had no fear or hesitations when he was fighting. He was graceful and held so much wisdom for such a little owl. I gazed upon his beautiful plumage and laughed out loud, wiping the tears from my eyes. I wanted to be like Jax.

I didn’t want to be afraid anymore. I didn’t want to stand down or cry anymore because of fear. I wanted to achieve the same wisdom as Jax. I didn’t know how I was going to do it or how to start, but I did know one thing, I wasn’t going to end up like my old man. A path of hatred isn’t right for a man of wisdom, and I knew my father would never reach that sort of enlightenment. It was in that very moment that I grew into a man.

I ended up going home soon after. It was the longest walk I ever took, but I was confident with every step. I got to my front door with fire in my heart. I was ready to confront anything. I walked inside and as expected, pa was passed out in his chair, the rifle lying on the floor next to his hanging arm. Mom was in the bathroom cleaning herself up, already applying makeup to cover what marks she could. All too familiar with this process, I calmly walked over to her and hugged her.

“we can’t live like this anymore, mom.” I said staring at her injuries. She looked like a deer in headlights, her tired eyes watering at my words. “He will get better, honey, he just needs our help.” Mom weakly uttered, trying to convince herself more than me. “No, mom, he won’t. This is who he is, nothing can change that.” I grabbed her by the hands and sat her down on the bathtub’s edge, “We have to go on ahead with our lives and leave him behind.” We sat in silence for a few minutes before mom looked at me hopelessly. “He might come after us, he might

hurt us even worse.” She started crying lightly, “And I…..I’m afraid….”, Her head falling in her hands. I looked at mom and grabbed her head to face mine. “I’m not.” I said with a smile to show my drive. Mom gazed at me for a few seconds with what I can only describe as amazement that gradually turned into pride. She started laughing with sniffles in between. I joined in, feeling determined for once in my life. “Ok, honey, let’s go.” She said picking herself up. We walked hand-in-hand out of that house one last time.

We ended up calling the police and pressing charges against my father. Domestic violence and child endangerment is what they got him on. He pleaded guilty under the pretense that he’d get a better deal. Twelve years with parole in seven is what he got. However, he never did become a free man again.

Mom and I went to live my grandma for a bit to help us get on our feet. I started normal school, albeit a year behind due to my unconventional schooling most of my life. I gained friends and got good grades throughout the rest of my school career. Jax would come and visit me often, but over time it became less frequent.

I wanted to keep him in a new aviary that I would build myself, but I knew a whimsical creature like him couldn’t be caged. It wasn’t long after high school that I started college and didn’t see Jax anymore as my university was states away. It seemed as though pre-med whizzed by in a flash and throughout those four years, I hadn’t seen Jax at all. I did still think about him at times, when I would remember past. However, sadly, I knew I would probably never see him again.

After undergraduate school, grandma got sick and I had decided to go back to care for her for a little bit. It was the least I could do for her. On the drive there, I was close to passing my childhood home. My heart beat rapidly, as I hesitantly decided to go and reminisce the good times, I had with Jax in the meadow.

I pulled up and got out of my car slowly scanning the area with my eyes. Right away, bad memories came flooding back to me. I tried to catch myself, but the emotions were too strong to bear. Soon I was on my knees trying to get a grip when I noticed tears flooding down my face. My life is what it is now is because of Jax. He ensured my whole future with what he did on that day, and I could never thank him enough for that. I wish I could see him again to tell him that I took that chance he gave me and made something out of it. However, I know that it isn’t possible. He is most likely years gone now. I will never be able to say goodbye. I looked up towards the sky, wiping my tears away, remembering the fire in my heart from that day. But I guess what I can do is keep living my life with those lessons he taught me.

I will continue with every step I take full of confidence and grace. I will have no fear of whatever might come next. I will forever nurture wisdom. Thank you, Jax