Her worth

She hides her pain well with red lipstick and a smile she forces to reach her eyes, with a laugh that booms and blossoms around your soul, loud enough to trick you. The tears that flow are made to seem like it’s from the joke you told rather than the sadness which consumes her. She excuses herself and heads to the bathroom but just before she reaches the door, after she’s certain you’re no longer watching her walk away she ducks out and runs towards the exit. She can’t do this, can’t sell herself short and pretend like her body is less important than whatever payment she might receive from you.

As she slips through the door frame she changes her demeanour to a casual stroll and pulls her hair up into a messy bun on the top of her head. She walks through the streets trying to forget what she almost did and stops to buy a bottle of wine to take back to her apartment, hoping it will drown out the emptiness she feels. As she pays for the merlot she makes a spur of the moment choice and buys a scratchy as well in a vain hope that something might go right tonight. She uses her last gold coin to scratch the grainy image of an emerald dragon off the page and forces herself to look twice at what stares up at her. Twenty thousand. Twenty thousand. Twenty thousand. There it is written three times. Looking up at the teller she passes it back.

“Can you check this?” She whispers in shock.

The pimply boy begrudgingly scans the barcode and looks at the screen, his eyes open wide and his pupils dilate. “You’ve won. I’ve never seen anyone win anything big before.” The rest of her night goes by in a blur as she fills out paperwork and is passed a check. Twenty thousand dollars. She forgets the wine on the counter as she clutches the small piece of paper tightly, walking home in a rushed stride, worried that there is somehow a golden beam lighting her up and with her, the ticket out.

The next morning she goes to the bank and deposits the check. Her night was full of tosses and turns as she deliberated what she was going to spend the money on. In the end her mind was made up. Headed to the newsagent she buys a pen and a little black book. The first words she writes are: ‘You deserve this.’

At the train station she boards the 10:06 express to the city. Her first stop is a little art studio, as she wonders around the halls and looks at the paintings she adds two more words to her book: ‘you’re beautiful.’ With a small smile the exit approaches and the next stop is a library. ‘You’re smart.’ She writes. Headed to the market she purchases three different apples, wanting to taste all the flavours of something so simple. ‘You radiate the unique’ she writes. She is just like apples, ordinary to look at but what’s inside her is ready to pack a punch of sour, sweet goodness like you’d never expect. Her winnings have made her realise the possibilities that stand before her and she is not going to take anything for granted.

Slowly she makes her way through the city looking for things to inspire her. Each time she stops more words are added to her book;

You are warm

You are kind

You are decisive

Before the end of the business day she finds herself in front of the art school she used to attend. She had fallen into a depression last year, loosing her job because of the inability to get out of bed and in turn hadn’t been able to pay for her last semester, so she had dropped out. The image of these doors pulled at her chest like an anchor. ‘You can achieve anything’ she writes. She pushes the door open and rises herself up. When she leaves her last semester is paid for and she begins her classes at the end of winter. With the money left over she goes to her doctor and requests a referral to a psychiatrist. She pays for twelve sessions upfront. This is her new beginning. ‘You are strong. You are brave.’ She writes.

Six months go by and she’s just sold her first painting. The darkness has been more bearable recently, she had gotten help and submerged herself into painting and building herself up one day at a time. She had even gotten a job at a local gallery recently and has been focusing on the positives in life, never saying no to an opportunity. She gets out her little black book, now full of all the words she needed to realise about herself and adds the last line to the final page. ‘You are worthy of more than anyone knows.’