Happiness is a blank computer screen

When i think about what makes me happy, many things come to mind, I guess it all depends on where I am at the time, I haven't had a lot of happiness Im working really hard at getting back to where i used to be, before I experienced so much sadness grief and loss, When i was a teenager I carried a note book with me, and I had one special pen that I used to document ideas, poems and whatever else came into my head, I was always writing about something, I would sit alone on the grass in front of my house, sometimes i would stay there all day, thinking about how much I wanted to be a journalist or a creative writer, Maybe even get a story published, I was so picky about the things i would write that I would either take a pen and color it all out or just rip out the pages, I always felt that no one would be interested in my stories, Its just my thoughts and ideas, I had to realize that writing to me is my freedom, its my words and my writing, its what gives me true happiness and I would write day and nite if i could, If it was a job I would go with excitement, To sit in front pf a blank computer screen with the cursor blinking opens up my creative ideas, and then i have to figure out what i want to write about, Before we had computers I would hand write on college ruled paper, every space was full, Sometimes my hand writing would be neat, it would start off like that , then after hours of doing it, my hand would get tired and then my nice hand written printing would look like a monkey did it, I know that when i get a new journal and a new pen it makes me feel like a kid at christmas time, Its so easy for me to think of stories to write, and I sometimes make myself dizzy with all the ideas i have, I have just now got back into expressing my thoughts, I have had a pretty hard time since june2018, I had to experience someone very close to me literally waste away with stage four cancer, i was his caregiver and wife of 28 years, i lost a big piece of myself during those times, I had no sense of being and I became a walking zombie, I was going threw the motions like a robot, but inside I was really lost, My journals were empty and when i did find a quiet moment, the words i wrote were all about how i didnt know how I was going to get threw this life with out my spouse, I was scared and depressed, I would have every intention to write some, maybe a way to vent out my thoughts, i would stare and stare at the paper, so much that the lines would start to move, I hated that my mind was on shut down, I hated knowing that there was words in my mind waiting to become a poem or a short expression, I have always been very critical of my stories and I don't like to share with people, because I am afraid that they will tell me that it sucks or its terrible and I should give it up, For a while I had writers block, i would try to put my thoughts down pen to paper but i ended up just make doodles , Writing for me is the one thing that i have control of, I have become a different person with all the changes in my life, I feel like I can do what i want with out being told that i have no imagination and that my stories are boring, When i was in high school I took a creative writing class and was amazed on how the kids in the class, were open and friendly we all had great ideas and came together as a group, I enjoyed going to class . My teacher was always so willing to read my ideas, and she always wanted to read what ever i had, I felt very motivated to want to please her. When typewriters were still around I tried to be proactive and use one, For something that should be easy to work, I found that it was more work then just grabbing a note book and a pen and finding a place to sit, I am the happiest when i see how the pages add up and when it all comes together, I know that i am still a novice, But I have been writing since I was 10 years old and the good thing is, Writing stories is in my mind mini movies that no matter who reads it, uses their own imagination to visualize details of the story, that's why the book is always better then the movie, Like the movie Grapes of Wrath, and most of the Steven King books, I want to record all the thoughts and stories I have in my memory so someday my Grandchildren will understand who I was and know that this is what keeps me on task, keeps me from dwelling on things that make me sad, writing is my way of growing and staying alive, People do different things to stay happy, Writers are artists, Musicians play music to entertain, I think what i do is not a hobby its a lifestyle, Not everyone is going to like my stuff and that's ok, cause I write for me and I write to stay happy, focused and it gives me a sense of unlimited possibilities, I hope to find a way to at least write a short story and have it published before I get to old and run out of ideas,