andrea mattarelliano
Bio
My mind is always thinking of a good story to create,
Stories (6)
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Happiness is a blank computer screen
When i think about what makes me happy, many things come to mind, I guess it all depends on where I am at the time, I haven't had a lot of happiness Im working really hard at getting back to where i used to be, before I experienced so much sadness grief and loss, When i was a teenager I carried a note book with me, and I had one special pen that I used to document ideas, poems and whatever else came into my head, I was always writing about something, I would sit alone on the grass in front of my house, sometimes i would stay there all day, thinking about how much I wanted to be a journalist or a creative writer, Maybe even get a story published, I was so picky about the things i would write that I would either take a pen and color it all out or just rip out the pages, I always felt that no one would be interested in my stories, Its just my thoughts and ideas, I had to realize that writing to me is my freedom, its my words and my writing, its what gives me true happiness and I would write day and nite if i could, If it was a job I would go with excitement, To sit in front pf a blank computer screen with the cursor blinking opens up my creative ideas, and then i have to figure out what i want to write about, Before we had computers I would hand write on college ruled paper, every space was full, Sometimes my hand writing would be neat, it would start off like that , then after hours of doing it, my hand would get tired and then my nice hand written printing would look like a monkey did it, I know that when i get a new journal and a new pen it makes me feel like a kid at christmas time, Its so easy for me to think of stories to write, and I sometimes make myself dizzy with all the ideas i have, I have just now got back into expressing my thoughts, I have had a pretty hard time since june2018, I had to experience someone very close to me literally waste away with stage four cancer, i was his caregiver and wife of 28 years, i lost a big piece of myself during those times, I had no sense of being and I became a walking zombie, I was going threw the motions like a robot, but inside I was really lost, My journals were empty and when i did find a quiet moment, the words i wrote were all about how i didnt know how I was going to get threw this life with out my spouse, I was scared and depressed, I would have every intention to write some, maybe a way to vent out my thoughts, i would stare and stare at the paper, so much that the lines would start to move, I hated that my mind was on shut down, I hated knowing that there was words in my mind waiting to become a poem or a short expression, I have always been very critical of my stories and I don't like to share with people, because I am afraid that they will tell me that it sucks or its terrible and I should give it up, For a while I had writers block, i would try to put my thoughts down pen to paper but i ended up just make doodles , Writing for me is the one thing that i have control of, I have become a different person with all the changes in my life, I feel like I can do what i want with out being told that i have no imagination and that my stories are boring, When i was in high school I took a creative writing class and was amazed on how the kids in the class, were open and friendly we all had great ideas and came together as a group, I enjoyed going to class . My teacher was always so willing to read my ideas, and she always wanted to read what ever i had, I felt very motivated to want to please her. When typewriters were still around I tried to be proactive and use one, For something that should be easy to work, I found that it was more work then just grabbing a note book and a pen and finding a place to sit, I am the happiest when i see how the pages add up and when it all comes together, I know that i am still a novice, But I have been writing since I was 10 years old and the good thing is, Writing stories is in my mind mini movies that no matter who reads it, uses their own imagination to visualize details of the story, that's why the book is always better then the movie, Like the movie Grapes of Wrath, and most of the Steven King books, I want to record all the thoughts and stories I have in my memory so someday my Grandchildren will understand who I was and know that this is what keeps me on task, keeps me from dwelling on things that make me sad, writing is my way of growing and staying alive, People do different things to stay happy, Writers are artists, Musicians play music to entertain, I think what i do is not a hobby its a lifestyle, Not everyone is going to like my stuff and that's ok, cause I write for me and I write to stay happy, focused and it gives me a sense of unlimited possibilities, I hope to find a way to at least write a short story and have it published before I get to old and run out of ideas,
By andrea mattarelliano5 years ago in Motivation
LIfe Lessons from MOM
As I get older I have come to the conclusion that all the life skills or lessons I have learned, was from my mom, for example being a woman, housewife and mom, has been because of my mom. While I try to make my way threw this life I find that even though Im an adult now I still need my moms advice and her expertise when it comes to dealing with issues of various situations. My mom has been a major influence in my life as well as my brothers, When we were little kids my mom was a stay at home mom and I think that was a very important role for any mom to do, There's a lot of duties and responsibility being a mom and caring for the house, I have watched my mom is some many situations, She has always been the one who really taught us the important skills that we would need when we grew up, For as long as I can remember I have sat back and watched from a far and saw how she influenced our futures, Watched her clean and cook, She was always perfect in my eyes, I can say that I am grateful for being able to have her home during the time as a young child,It was a good feeling when i came home and she was there, I have always admired her for the way she knows how to deal with people professionally or personal, I have watched her all my life and many behaviors I have now, are because I have seen first hand how she deals with things, I understand how it must be hard to be a mom, grandma,I worry like her and feel the anxiety and stress of my daughter, just as my mom feels the same with me, I try to handle my troubles on my own, But she knows when i'm upset just by the sound of my voice, I don't like to give her any more worries, Its like my mom, daughter and I all connect telepathically, we have always had that ability, Every day I talk to her about something, She has been the one who is fixing what she can fix , and looking for solutions with the ones she cant, The people in my family all say I act like Grandma, I guess I don't see it, is that bad? I guess its true what they say about strong influences in your life, You take what you have been taught and use it when its your turn to run your house, I clean like her, I fold laundry like her, I cook like her, I tend to do a lot more things as I get older the same as she did all my life, I have learned many things that have carried me threw my whole childhood and teen years from her watching her put on her makeup, getting the house ready for company, setting the table, house hold chores and tasks, I tried to teach my daughter the same morals and responsibilities , that are needed as a person to function threw this complicated world we live in and to prepare her for when she gets married, and has to care for her family, or when she gets ready to move out on her own. I have done the best I could with her, When i felt like she needed advice or help with housework I would suggest a way to help her and she would get angry at me. I then figured it out that I was being like my mom, She would remind me of that as well, I don't think that it was bad if i sounded or acted like my mom, It just meant that I took what i learned from her and used it for good, There's many times when my daughter and I had many fights and arguments,, and even though she thought I was being picky about things, its the way I learned, and whats wrong with grandmas way, That's how , she wanted it done, I have always told my daughter do it right the first time then you wont have to fix it a second time. Now i know what she meant by pay backs are hell and just wait until you are a mom, You have a whole new way of thinking, Maybe my mom was a little ocd when it came to doing housework and laundry, I fought her just like my daughter, But I had no choice but to do what she asked, Or there would be a lot of tears and voices raised, I call my mom almost everyday and we discuss many subjects, I still call her up and ask her cooking questions and tell her about whats going on with me and my life, She gives me advice or suggestions, I use her advice to get me threw the day and sometimes give the same advice to my daughter, We even look a like, I have come to appreciate my mom more now then when i was young, I just thought she was so bossy and picky, I totally understand now, I have had to sift threw some stuff and make my own choices, Even though my mom had warned me not to, I did it any way and found out that she was right, It hurts when you have to admit that you were wrong when you were almost certain that you did the right thing, Whats really bad when you have to look at her and say "" MOM you were right? Shes been there for me threw many bad times, and I think we both learned from each other , how strong, the mother daughter bond is, If I didn't have my mom to show me and guide me, Who knows where I would be today, I have a whole new perspective on mother hood, and how much we as moms do our best to make sure that we give love and support to our children so that they can use the life skills for life, A MOM never stops being a mom, no matter how old we as children get, They always see us as their babies, Sometimes when my daughter has a problem, she will ask me for advice, I tend to think a lot like my mom and find myself repeating myself, I ask my mom for help with my daughter too, Its the same way when I was my daughters age and I did something my mom didn't like, My mom and I now get along better cause I understand what she has been saying for the last 52 years of my life. She told me on more then one occasion "" Wait until your a mom, and you'll see why I was the way I was when you and your brother were kids," I would look at her and think ""Wow, you really have your hands full, amd no wonder your always on us about keeping our rooms clean, having clean clothes, picking up after ourselves, We were reflections of her and she wanted us to look presentable, Many of the things I have done with my daughter when she was a baby, was because I learned all of that from my mom, and i still do many of those things today, So no matter how far she lives away from me, and i only get to talk to her on the phone, I will never forget all the good advice and support she has given me back when i was a teenager with a broken heart to now a widow trying to cope with my grief, She knows what to say to get me to stay calm, and not break down, I hope that when i am a grandma I can teach my grandchildren, what I was taught and have them use it to make their lives a good and happy one, Its been a crazy life but its been a learning experience for all of us, Every day we learn something new or reflect on what we were taught as children, It never stops, the world keeps spinning, and children keep learning
By andrea mattarelliano5 years ago in Families
SAD
My journal writings: When someone ask me how i am doing, I answer Im doing well, smile and carry on. But in reality its been two years, it seems like yesterday, i remember every moment clear as day, the hopeless confused feeling like i could have done more, the empty emotions, the crumbling of my heart and head, every day grew fast to the day that you wud leave us and knowing that i had no control of it, I couldn't stop it, i couldnt tell it to leave, push it out of my way, I had no control of anything,
By andrea mattarelliano5 years ago in Journal
