Goodbye Old Friend

For 28 long years, I have lived in the presence of my greatest enemy: her name is ME.

ME is the type of enemy nightmares are made of. Relentless in her pursuit to take me down and destroy any ounce of happiness or hope I may come by. 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, never resting, she is always there, reminding me of all the things I fight to forget; a constant unwavering reminder of my biggest failures and deepest insecurities.

ME is the worst adversary you will ever face because you can't escape her, at least not easily.

Even as I sit here writing, aspiring to let her go, to become a better version of myself, she’s in my head thundering down on my thoughts, drenching them in doubt, like she always does. Like only ME can.

"This isn't good enough. YOU aren't good enough. Please stop wasting your time. Seriously, why do you even bother?"

She torments me. She is me. But now finally, she needs to go.

2021 is my year and mine alone. ME and her self-deprecating ways can stay back in 2020 along with the rest of the things we don't want to remember.

I am done with having her looming presence holding me back. She has kept me from doing so many things. Things I love, things that scare me, things that make me excited to live.

I can't begin to count the number of times I have let an opportunity come and go because my fear of failure was so crippling I wouldn’t even let myself try.

How many days I wasted worrying I would never amount to or accomplish anything.

The restless nights, the all-consuming sadness that prevented me from seeing friends, family and from enjoying so many important moments throughout my life.

ME let me believe that every horrible word ever said about me was true and that things would be much easier once I learned to accept this, and so I did and I was miserable.

But I don't want to live that life anymore, that’s no way to live. If I want my life to change for the better, the change has to start within myself first. I have to will it to, or at least try and that is exactly what I am going to do.

I have always believed in the power of speaking and willing things into existence, the problem is I was always speaking and willing the wrong things into being because believing I could do otherwise was something ME would have never allowed. Here and now I lay ME to rest with all her negativity and embark on a new chapter of my life. I will and declare all the positive things I want for myself and for my life:

I want to go after my dreams, and I will.

I want to pursue the things I am passionate about, and I will.

I want to discover new and fun things that actually make me excited about life, and I will.

I want to learn to love myself, to have a healthy relationship with myself, and I will.

That journey begins here in this moment, with this piece. Writing it, reflecting on it, and believing in it, then putting it out into the world for other people to see and to judge.

It’s a small step but it’s a giant leap for me, and hopefully it will be the first of many giant leaps forward.

Goodbye misses Doubtful-hateful-you're-not-good-enough, this toxic relationship is finished.

I say farewell, once and for all to you, my greatest enemy and my oldest friend. Goodbye ME.