Gems for the Generation

Hands clenched in fist, heart pacing, mind racing ... how did i end up here! how did i lose it all! and manage to keep my mental sanity. Recalling the melody of Drakes Furthest thing.. im somewhere between anxious and depressed.. im somewhere between to blessed to be stressed. The only thing im clear on is what im thinking and feeling in this very moment. TAKE THE NEXT STEP FORWARD! How come no one ever told me that all the uncertainty is designed to distract you from your past (avoiding) and your future (escaping) and ground into the present( right now)! You dont have time to analyze the details of destruction. You dont have time to self blame, shame or rearrange. Control is an illusion it seems that knowing the output of an interaction provide security, when in reality the only control you have is of self, everything external of you is the variable. It's designed to change, to flow, to grow. HAAAA NOW WE'RE IN THE SWEET SPOT!

Lets start at the beginning. Smile they say, be submissive they say, be polite they say, respect others they say, minimize your voice they say, be less opionated they say, take what is given to you and be appreciative they say. Be a good follower if you want to lead they say. Dedicate your first fruits to the team they say. Put the family first they say. And then it gets to the point where its like -TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER! Who is actually making this stuff up?

I've followed the rules my whole life, ive towed the line, ive kept my head down, ive hushed my tone, ive muted my individuality, ive beared witness to countless tragedies and used my own heart as a remedy for others and that way of being left me with a teenage pregnancy that is now a teen with her own life sized wounds that a mothers love cant soothe. This is where i've come to rely on DEEP BREATHS. Oxygen is a oxymoron to the hyperactive regions of the brain that loops the errors and creatively display the damage of past pains in a array of colors thrown at my easel to create the abstract impossibility of adulting, and healing. BECAUSE WHAT IS THAT EXACTLY ?

Isnt it rather queer how one bad decisions is like pulling on the loose strand that unravels a pattern of hand me downs that you've outgrown yet somehow is still your favorite item. WHY IS CHAOS SO EASY! Alexa play Love Songs by KAASH Paige.. heavy on the "your the only one i want to wear my orange sweater" The layering of lies, the deception of love, the abundance of abandonment is so toxic and still the posion i choose to evacuate my lonliness. Marriage sounds like a fluffy blanket cocconed on a king sized bed with room and bottle service, add a spliff if your feeling fancy just remember to not wake the children. And then the bill comes and your like oopps i forgot my wallet.. the way my life setup charge it to the jones' i should never have to try to keep up.

Now down the rabbit hole of self doubt, one night stands, dead end jobs, that have you auditioning for the mean girls for a seat at their table. Just remember to take off your glasses, throw away your books, stuff your bra and have rated r conversations in pg 13 settings to appear cool. Run away from home but leave the window unlocked so you can atleast get a good nights rest and doodle in your diary before the nights over. One day those archives will be a heirloom for your granddaughter when she tell you parents just dont understand! OH BUT I DO, ALL TO WELL MY DEAR!

My 31 year old advice would be take it one day at a time, the mistakes you make today are the lessons you share with your children. The failures is the foundation for the success that will soon follow. Your first 3 loves will all feel very real and the heartbreaks will teach you how to love yourself beyond the damage of your parents. Social media is a platform to market your personality so the adversity in your childhood is actually worth it ! The deeper the wounds the more profound the character. The simplest truth is life is a journey and your greatest ally is allegory. Religion is a system designed by the founding fathers learn it, use what you need and let go of what you dont. Apprecite their contribution and add your own tax- keep your social security alive. Philosphy will help you feel a little less lost. Metaphsycis is the pandoras box your not allowed to open but thats where the good drugs are SHHHH DONT TELL NO ONE I TOLD. We are in the era of actually addressing the toxic masculinity so the upheaval of 2020 is actually necessary, its some kind of comforting when you just go with the flow. Remember "never for nothing, always for something". Your grandmother prayed for this equality her sacrfice come with a great deal of suffrage but don't fret you have the resources to cope that she didnt so thats your advantage.

Self care isnt only for the hippies anymore woohoo! You're allowed to actually get to know yourself before you cohabitat and breed children. Dysfunctional family systems is next on the ios update. We are finally getting even with the evil of eve in eden! its the apple for me. Breaking the cycle is an attainable goal, rewarded with ungrateful children who dont appreciate what you didnt receive because they cant relate and thats a lesser evil. Remember the goal is evolution God isnt a person, you are. Emotions aren't something you catch, they are designed to be experienced. Developing the polarity of your intrinsic energy is your maturity,getting rid of your emotions is like giving away your superpower! And superman would possibly never give up being a superhuman.