Finding Balance

I can’t be the only one who is sick and tired of being tired of telling people that everything is going great! It takes an insurmountable amount of energy to act like you have all of your life put together. I don’t like how we live in a society where we are pressured to make ourselves act less human and more robotic. That leads me to the next thing that I cannot, for the life of me, continue to commit to: FAKE SMILES! I gotta tell you, I’ve had it. It truly takes someone like me more energy to force a smile than it would for me to just marinate in my grim state. Drumroll please for a second honorable mention that I mustn't forget to add…

Spending time with folks that you don’t really like! I am not one for small talk or forced emotion, and unfortunately, being in company of people who quite frankly suck is me not living my best life. I do not want to come off as uppity or snoody because I do not think I’m better than anyone else. If I’m being quite honest, I’ve never met another person who beats themselves up more than I do. (: However, I am learning at the newly ripe age of 24 that it is in fact A-OKAY to end forced relationships of any kind. The presence of some people no longer serve you or your purpose and there shouldn’t be anything wrong with distancing yourself, or should it come to pass: Cutting them off entirely. Even mama birds give their babies the boot when necessary!

These feelings and thoughts I’ve been having are nothing new... they are just part of many things that have been consuming my mind. Now onward to something a little bit more positive.

I started this new thing where I romanticize my day. Be it making up my bed or getting ready for work, I’m trying my hardest to see the joy in the little things. But that’s not to say that if I come across a day where I’m just feeling BLEH that I shouldn't be allowed to bask in that too. I guess what I’m getting at is I’m working to find a sense of balance in my life and mind. I tend to think of things in a really binary fashion, but life is lived in the grey area, which is hard to admit. This grappling back and forth between being content with the now, but yet, still wanting to bloom into my best self is quite the conundrum.

I am trying to be both patient and push myself towards greater things, if that makes any sense at all. I still believe that what is at the center of this imbalance is my unstable sense of self in regards to my passion(s) and how to transform those into a living. Being in a place to fully immerse yourself into your purpose is, dare I say, an act of self-care.

Wouldn’t it just be amazing though if we could all be in a place where the wool was ripped from before our eyes and we just went for IT? And IT is defined solely by ourselves. That takes me back to the importance of romanticizing my day. The more I frame things in the context of "choice," the more free and autonomous I feel with the crippling responsibilities of life. It may not be ideal, but this is a simplistic happy-medium that I am creating for myself at this time. And that may be because I do believe someday I will be able to truly do what I want to do, as well as when I want to do it.