Fighting Myself

Today, just moments ago, I wanted to no longer be in this world. I thought, hey, maybe I’m just like an ant; insignificant, small and pesky. No real purpose, merely just a blip on the radar of the universe. Why should I suffer? Why should I make others suffer? Why do I matter?

Now, hold on just a second here. I can picture you clearly, confused and almost a little annoyed that I would even consider writing this, much less publishing this. However, I must ask you to bear with me for a moment. Everything will be explained in due time.

While standing in the shower, the jet of water blasting across my face, I was thinking about how terrible and emotional I am. I suddenly had the all too often fraction of a second where I suddenly contemplated just ending everything. I wanted to leave this earth, with all its despair and heartache, all of its injustices and minor inconveniences. For what felt like an eternity, but what was a matter of seconds, I grappled with my inner demon. And I won.

For some people, this wouldn’t be the defining moment of realizing who their true self was. To me, this is everything. I am a reactor, and when I say this, I mean that I react with emotion before I can use the brain I know exists in my head to reason through my negative feelings and thoughts. I let my anger grab me by the hand and yank me along for the ride. I let my depression beat my heart up. But I build back stronger.

In the last six months, I’ve lost my father to stage four colon cancer, after he battled for nearly two years. In those two years, I saw him the calmest he had ever been. In those two years, I realized that if I didn’t eventually get a handle on my own mind, on my own reactions, that I would look back and see all my missed opportunities, all my faults with none of my strengths. His death, and pre-death, was a defining moment for myself. In the last two years, we’ve been living in through the initial onset and the aftermath of a global pandemic. Millions of people have lost so much, and life has thrown so many loopholes and curveballs that it is so incredibly hard to stay positive. There has been such a high percentage of suicides, of abuse and assault. It has taken a huge toll on all of us.

But, through all of this, I’ve managed to lose 90 lbs. I’ve published more than one piece of my work on two different forums. I’ve taken chances, put myself out there for the world to see. There are many times that I’ve put others before myself, because I’m able to empathize so completely. I’ve also learned how to put myself first for my own mental health and grow as an individual. I’m becoming a better person, not only for myself, but for my family and friends, who have always been supportive.

Now, maybe this wasn’t as big of a moment where my true self shown through as one would expect. Maybe it just sounds like another typical day. But as far as I’m concerned, these moments where I can fight through the crushing weight of my own mortality, blast through the feelings of inadequacy and self loathing, and reason through the mania and depression is a huge part of who I am, and is directly involved with who I want to become.

A lot of people might want you to believe that only big accomplishments matter and that getting that promotion at work or starting a family is way more worth writing about than this seemingly insignificant moment. This brief period only lasted, at the most, ten minutes. But those ten minutes meant so much more to me than I can adequately express.

Mental illness is a struggle for so many people. There’s still such a stigma against it and it’s either swept under the rug or glamourized on television. It is hell. It is a living hell, and right now it is so hard to find anything positive about anything, about yourself. I think it’s prudent to take the time to realize that who you are doesn’t need to be something so extravagant. What makes you happy, what makes you feel so accomplished and proud, doesn’t need to matter to someone who has never met you.

I suffer from mental illness. We walk, hand in hand, down the winding road of life. We take the wrong forks in the road sometimes, and double back to make changes. But it is always with me, always overshadowing my day. A lot of days, I’m not happy the way one would think. My true self is a mess ninety percent of the time, but if I’m honest, I wouldn’t change that. I’m proud of still being here, still pressing on when my own mind turns against me. Still surviving, still releasing my innermost thoughts and feelings for the world to see. And if baring my soul helps even one person to appreciate themselves just a little more and make them proud, despite whatever crutch may be holding them back, then to me, that will always be one of the greatest times that I’ve shone brightly through.