Ever been told you should write a book, well here’s a clip

Let me start off by this is the first public sharing that I am doing. I have shared my story a few times and different chapters as well, that have already made an impact in people’s lives. So, as I asked myself why am I still here...? I have found that there really is no clear reason that I am still here because that is always changing. I do believe with all my heart that I am supposed to share my journey. In these times of uncertainty more than ever, I want to start sharing my journey. I am a fighter, a survivor, and I am irreplaceable.

As I am writing this, I am. It sure which direction I am going to go with this yet. I should start off by telling you that I am finally able to be the true me or the real me. What do I mean by that, you ask? Well I am happy. I am truly happy. I quit worrying about what others thought of me. What do I think about me? That was the real question, would I want to be my own friend? Think about the likes as well as dislikes that are important to you. Implement them in your own self first if you have not already. Begin surrounding yourself with like minded people. I began to as we like to say “let the trash take itself out”. This isn’t always easy. Sometimes we keep toxic people around because they are family, we feel like we owe them something, we don’t have many people period, they are benefiting us in one way or another, or a slew of other reasons. We need to recognize why are we keeping them around and is it worth it? At some point in time you will realize that the only person that you can change or make happy is yourself. You can have an influence on people but only if you are headed the same direction during life’s journey. You might be their fork in the road or what I have been referring to roadblocks lately. We hit roadblocks in life all the time if we are on the wrong path. Think about it. Really think about what choices you made during those times. Most of the time they were based on habit, probably not a good one since you are at a roadblock. Now think about the times things were going well. You were making better more thought out decisions. You weren’t just thinking about yourself. Stop me if I am wrong. I am willing to bet that you were thinking about how everyone would be affected by the choice that you make.

Here’s an example from a recent chapter in my story. We are now almost a year into the pandemic as I am writing this. About the third month in my nephew hung himself in the garage where he lived with his dad most of the time. This devastated the family. My own daughter who was very close to him has been depressed for some time now and has been suicidal herself. At one point she even had a plan. (I must confess I have had more than my share of mental battles and struggles and even attempts at suicide.) My daughter has almost always came to me or someone before it was too late. My nephew didn’t feel he had that option. The choice he made that day was a permanent one. Whatever was going on every single one of us would have rather listened, helped, whatever was needed than say goodbye. Now he will never have an opportunity to smile and be happy again or enjoy the holidays or dread them with the family again. Was it really worth it? Not in our end we would give anything to have you back to be a part of the new memories being made. I remember breaking the news to my daughter. I told her to recognize what she was about to feel. She still battles depression but not suicidal thoughts. The thing that stops her in her tracks as suicidal ideas start is knowing that it’s a permanent solution to a temporary situation. She remembers that feeling of never being able to hug you, tell you she loves you, she would have rather listened to you cry, scream, rant, complain, whatever it was than to never be able to do anything with you and for you again. We don’t want you to think we are being greedy by any many means, we want you to experience so much more in life.

I heard a someone one day sharing his story on his son’s suicide. Heartbreaking to know that this boy took his life in fear of disappointing his father. His father like most blue collar families was barely making ends meet. He surprised his son with a new controller, his birthday was in a week. He bought him a new TV for his birthday. Two days before his birthday he had one of his episodes and got mad and threw the controller. It accidentally bounced off the bed and hit his TV breaking it. He knew how much his father had to work just to get him this $80 controller and now he can’t even use it because he broke his TV. He had no idea what his dad had bought him for his birthday. That night he recorded a video for his father apologizing for breaking the TV, he knows how hard he has to work just to provide. He didn’t want to be a burden anymore because he knew how hard he would have to work to replace the TV. He was found the next morning hanging in his closet.

I want to spread the word that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary situation and every situation is temporary. Sometimes it just lasts longer than other times. Just another quick story then I will write more later. Back on October 28, 2015 I was told that I had 4 months to live. If I had anything that I really wanted to do I should do it and spend time with my loved ones. Well, I was recently divorced and just going to start my own life with the kids. The first couple weeks I threw myself a pity party and didn’t tell anyone. “How do you tell your kids that are finally going to have a chance, never mind just joking. I have leukemia, cervical, uterine, and ovarian cancer and only 4 months to live?” I was weak. I couldn’t do it. But I did do some research. Needless to say that we are approaching 5 years past my “expectation date”. Many things contributed to me being in remission as of September 14, 2017. I look forward to sharing more. Have an amazing, blessed, courteous day! 🥰