Emotionless

I am 53. I have spent most of my life thinking and feeling I don't belong.

I have had a traumatic past and I believed my reaction to this past was an increasing ball of traumatic emotions in response to each traumatic event.

I have autism running through my family.

Waking up this morning a thought entered my head, what if my reactions were not a because of the events but merely me being me?

I remember at the age of 13 sitting in a field and coming to the realisation that I didn't feel emotions. It didn't worry me much more a statement of fact but I did question it slightly. Then the thought disappeared and I continued sitting, in the field, thinking.

Ive concluded I am a thinking introvert but unfortunately my mind is at times like a butterfly. I get attached to subjects wanting or feeling the need to explore these exciting pathways. Then, in a couple of days the feeling or need subsides until I may or may not pick it up again months later.

Now I am lost again. Is there a branch of the autistic spectrum that describes me? I don't fit the criteria for autism but then I don't fit the criteria for many things but in many ways I do.

I did discover that I am asexual which knocked me sideways. It led me down a no hope pathway. I already struggle feeling emotions and attachments to people which makes relationships a nightmare! Put in the mix that I have never felt sexual attraction for anyone in my life I felt I was never going to be in a normal, loving relationship, ever. I guess I thought there was always the hope that one day I would just need to find the right person. I now know different. Don't get me wrong ...I am not lonely just tired of being different and never fitting in.

That's why counsellors don't get anywhere. Its not an emotional issue but a lack of emotions that are innate . There is no point in digging for that traumatic event that caused this mental health problem. I reacted to each and every traumatic event with a lack of emotions that allowed me to relate it back to people as if telling a story about someone else. I remember enough about the event for me to recall a lot of it but much of the detail is hazy because I can't attach emotions to the event so it is not vivid.

I have come to the conclusion that I have to try to live my life according to my expections which I do struggle with sometimes. My life has always been and will always be different. I have been "disowned" by my family for reasons I really don't understand but I don't miss them, just my brother who passed away.

I am struggling at the moment in finding anything that holds my attention or I find interesting in life. My passion in anything is non existent.

On the plus side I am a fighter. I have two wonderful grown up children, both on the autistic spectrum so there are challenges but I would do anything for them. I have two gorgeous cats who bring joy and laughter to me every day.

Everyday I am losing another bar on my prison mind that tells me negative things and I try and replace each one with a positive ribbon.

My greatest goal is to find a career that I can get satisfaction from and enable me to pay the bills. My independence is the important. I can do this and enjoy life again. I know I can.

I read this again and hated it. My instinct was to delete it. But maybe it serves a purpose so I will leave it for now. What do you think?