“Don’t Give Up, Meghan!”

‘Don’t give up, Meghan!” My family and friends said. I am trying for not giving up. ‘Don’t give up!” They said. I know I have so much stuff to work on more since late 2024. I have to seek and find a better motivation and have a better hope in 2025. I have to get help! I have tried my best to stay positive, tried to be be happy, and stay motivated as much as I can! it has been like ups and downs lately. I am 36 years old. I have been broken in years and months even when the decade of 2020 has started along with the pandemic.

I have to be honest—-Being a human is hard! It is! I am sure everyone agrees and understands that. Life has always been hard too. Life has never been so easy these days. Its been very crazy in this entire decade. I also have been struggled with suicidal thoughts for over twenty years. I tried for not giving up! I have tried- but I lost it. I am still here and still alive.

Unfortunately, my inner demons are still here…

I have to be honest(but it may sounds deeper for others)—I wasn’t ready for the new year 2025 for many reasons, especially after the most devastating moment of the election since 2016. I know that 2024 is the most difficult, exhausting, chaotic, devastating, and overwhelming year than 2023. I tried to have faith and hope of every single year. Things didn’t work out. I mean like there were no happy endings or any bright future at all. Some were so bleak. I mean, it gets even bleaker and bleaker. It was even much harder than I thought. It’s like when things are getting too much and darker. My thoughts are always right about everything because they see there’s nothing but darkness in reality.

So- Why ? Why has already been falling apart and why some of the things that I can not control or fix it? I always hate it so much! I wish things could have gone better!

I have been struggling with so many issues—(I’m still struggling and progressing at the same time) that also includes my unresolved trauma, lot of grief/loss, and dealing with these intense symptoms from my chronic condition called Premenstrual Dysphoric disorder(PMDD). I have been diagnosed since summer 2020, but been processed in later 2019 due from my concerns with one of my doctors. PMDD has been as the most misunderstood, controversial, and stigmatized disorder in decades due from sexism and ableism Like ‘oh, I think she has a PMS’,etc. I have tried my best to be advocate of this chronic disorder since then. Unfortunately, the reality from society is not so easy to get through with it from the stigma, being misunderstood, and shame.

I am also confused about the things if I still have any potential and reputation because I was in the scariest and darkest place along with my pain, grief, and struggles that I should have to conquering it more. I’m still reading those important words from my family and others who truly cared about me…

’We can do this together!”

’we got this!”

’ We are here for you, Meghan.’

’I am here for you’

’we can get through this!”

’We care about you!”

‘Hang in there!”

’we believe in you!”

’you got this!”

’Get better soon’

’You Are Enough!”

Please Stay!”

’We need you!”

’we love you so much!”

’We want to to keep living!”

’Dont give up!”

I have to keep listening of those words thst would keep me alive. So… I got hope. I have hope… right now, things are not getting easier than before..

I am trying to keep going…. I am trying to for not giving up!

So now.. About my new projects, goals and even some new challenges that I’m looking forward to do so in 2025 since I’m still healing and recovering —-

• -I am reconnecting more art, especially more painting. I’m still working more fan arts and still keep sharing my art as much as I can.
• -Hopefully, I can reconnect and reunited some people I adore after I went through the darkest place recently.
• -I can keep doing more laughter everyday, even if I have some downs or bad days.
• -I hope can explore new states and new cities like Rhode Island somewhere in summer 2025.
• -I might keep creating more music playlists especially if there’s another Vocal music inspired challenge later on this year.
• - I’ll try to join or participate more of the fan zines as much as possible.
• - I’ll try to participate more art event to share my self expressions while I was battling from my mental health.
• -I’ll be getting more emotional support with my family since a week before Christmas 2024.
• -I’ll try to do more self-healing, self-care, self-reflection tools and getting more support that will help my mental health better than before, but more compassion than judgement.
• -I have to keep writing about things I am grateful for.
• -I’m planning to write more poems and stories this year, depending my time and other things. I hope I can reach it at least 200 total pieces before 2026.
• -I have to keep opening, standing up, and advocating of Premenstrual disorder(PMD) awareness more everyday as much as I can than just only a year or once in a while. I still wish everyone including from the other communities I went could understand more and still need to take it seriously about this disorder.

I know I’m still in the therapy every week, sometimes two weeks due from the holidays and other things. I may not have been ‘fixed’ or ‘perfectly cured’, but my condition is still treatable. It may not be perfect, and that’s okay. I know that I’m still in a nightmare and it has already been chaotic including the the wildfire and winter madness. I still want every things to get better soon and help each other in the future together…