From my darkness & my lightness…

From my darkness and my lightness— I tried to reflecting myself on the past year and sharing my story that reveals a profound lesson or insight that stayed within me.

From the past year, I knew my lessons can be complex. I do not want to be selfish and insecure. I knew this challenge is not going to be easy like moving forward. But, it’s still painful, even my therapist agress.

It can be also complicated to share with others. I fear about ‘overshare’ and being burden to anyone- if so, they would be afraid of me or dislike me.

This year was even so much harder, and harder as I expected. It’s exaclty same in 2023. I mean, exactly—just like that! I know it’s good to be true, just like my thoughts and entire mind were always right. I’m still living in the darkest brain. It will always be bleaker. I felt like it’s always my fault because of my existence. My existence will always make consequence. I mean- Why me? Why is that? A cursed? Am I really cursed the whole time?

It has been very hard for me about everything in this world, everyday and night, since 2020. It’s also been hard for me to reach my goals and succeed important things since I’m already in the mid-thirties. I still wish I could have just erase my existence in the first place including my own worst mistakes! I’m still surrounded with this negativity spiral inside of me, even from the outside.

I have so many grief, despair, and bleakness so far in 2024. My rational and intrusive thoughts really hit me hard.. So…

Here are my important lessons of the year (since pandemic and last year) - Connection/reconnection, overcoming loneliness/isolation, focus myself, exploring the new things, and grateful.

Connection/Reconnection

Being connected is the biggest one, but very important for me, especially when I was socializing anywhere- whether it was at the barre studio, the cafe, or at the convention. I have to be connect(also reconnect with others that I haven’t spoke awhile) and have connections as many as I can- between meeting in person and online. Things are not easy, of course, especially as an adult. Trust issues are still hardest struggle for me since my youth. I know meeting people, making friends, and even reconnecting the old ones (whether if it’s both in person and/or online) is still frustrating for many reasons including trust issues, longer distance, and mental health problems. I also have to reconnect the things I love including nature and art more than just people. My therapist says that. My friends and family say that too. Yes, reconnecting nature and art is very important! Sometimes, it can be very hard for my mood or wired brain(overthinking/emotionally distressed). It may not go away magically. In Nature, listening the wind blows, birds and cicadas singing are very peaceful and clear my mind as possible. In art, I tried to be a better artist than I had before. Dealing with family stuff is even harder when I barely lost interests or emotionally exhausted. I’m still getting shown more creative since last year….

Overcoming lonelines/isolation

It was the most hardest moment since I went through a special Ed,etc during my childhood. Being divided by the society because I wasn’t ’normal’ was very traumatizing me. Every year, it was hard. Living with this darkness inside me is very tricky o conquering it. Trying to fit in was even much harder no matter what the communities I went. In this decade(in 2020s), I have tired to overcome more from my isolation and loneliness by socializing people as much as I can. I’ve had been struggling with this since I was very young. I mostly isolated myself in middle school/high school more because of bullying, divorced, and other issues from school. It was also including when I became an aunt for nine to six years after I got done from college. Same as connection/reconnecting, it’s still difficult to have my social life back to escape from my dark reality I have in years.

Focus myself

As part of the challenge—-taking care myself and focusing myself —-it can be like a major chore. Self care has never been so easy these days including my family stuff and personal issues since decades. During between my niece‘s and my nephew’s birth, their needs are more important. I felt discouraged that I neglected my own needs. Am I tired? Am I hungry? Have I took a shower/brush my teeth ? I tried not to neglecting myself when things are getting overwhelming and exhausting. Same when I became an aunt with these two kids who adore me so much. During pandemic, I’d been focused alot to seek help and find support after my new diagnosis with PMDD(known as Premenstrual Dysphoric disorder). When I met some people, I literally adore them and support them. I know I have been difficult to concentrate when my brain is very wiring, my heart felt heavy, or I couldn’t see straight enough. I do wish people could understand that it’s okay for not being positive all the time because life has always been hard.

Exploring the new things

I always been doing that most of my life as I could. Same thing during pandemic. I always love to see new things. I always love to exploring the new things, even if I nervous or exciting! I’m also very curious. I always love to travel—trying different food, restaurants, locations, states/cities, and other things that I haven’t tried it before including kayak at my family cabin in summer. One of the best moments for me is that I can see more cool things in this world as long as I’m alive.

Grateful

I know its quite complex to understanding the things I’ve been grateful for. I did wrote some as I could. My mental health struggles doesn't seem or feel right. My therapist brought small notebook and said that i have to write 3 things I should be grateful for as many as I can write with.

I am matter.

I am a good aunt.

I am enough.