Do you want to be a worrier or a warrior?

You would think at the age of 43, with all the kids out of the home, that I would be doing anything and everything I always wanted, right? And it isn't that way at all. I'm still finding myself unhappy like if there was something missing. I have everything I need to survive and more, more than I ever had in my past, more than I had a year ago, compare to being homeless with my daughter and my 2 grandkids. Was I being ungrateful? Was I mentally unstable, literally? I always wanted to write and help people with any advice by sharing my story, everyone has a story. I always wanted to travel and visit Italy, but the only way I travel the world, is when I close my eyes and use my imagination. That isn't to bad, I mean you can imagine it however you want it to be and travel with whoever, without any traffic, with no interruptions, with unlimited spending at shopping stores. It's not quite the same. I was miserable. I had enough of being in my own mental prison and it's for nothing at times!!! Worrying about the past that already happened, at times I would compare my life with others and try to rush things as if I had a time limit or I had to accomplish such and such at this particular age. It's your life, there is no rules to go by as long as you do what makes you happy. I couldn't even daydream without my thoughts interrupting me. We can blame people, our finances, and even GOD for our life issues, making us worry for everything, robbing us from our happiness and from being in the "now" moment. It started effecting my relationships with everyone, most importantly with myself. Reality hit me hard and took me on a self-love journey 7 years ago. I'm a sensitive person and have lived a challenging life, dealt with emotions and numbing them from feeling anything, to avoid thinking anything and that came with consequences including my bills not getting paid. That's was a serious problem.

As I'm living life, I thought life was suppose to be a certain way, the way I treated people was how they are suppose to treat me. I worried about how I was being viewed and I was a people pleaser. I'm no angel by far, when I'm not worrying about nonsense, I'm very happy and talkative and I want people to be that way too. So when I try to cheer them up and they are still with their attitude, I start to worry what did I do wrong? Start thinking all different kinds of negative thoughts leading me to lose focus in the now, and If I know these things, WHY DO I STILL DO THIS? Do we act out of habits? Are we people pleasing just to keep everyone happy so we can stay happy, then find ourselves feeling empty and unhappy? Being understanding is a curse and a blessing, I say. It's a blessing because you can relate to people and understand them and help them out. It's a curse because for one, you can understand why people act out and giving them pity because they worked so hard an they are tired, or this is how they grew up blah blah blah. Still no excuse for their mistreatment. Enough is enough, I wanted change, I was frustrated at myself for letting thoughts control me, and finding myself not having money and being depressed (which can be controlled by me only) while people are not giving a fuck and living their life OUT THERE, while your in the house laying in bed worrying. If we don't want a burglar to steal our possessions in our home, why do we let our thoughts, and worrying break into our mind and steal our joy??? Aren't we strong enough to control them, or are these thoughts that we replay are stronger than us? If only confidence was given to us like a photograph, we wouldn't have this issue. If only we had faith that everything will be ok. Only if we cared about how we feel and aware of this issue. If I wasn't so caring and I had less fucks to give, my life would be different. But I came into this world this way, so I don't regret it. But I can control how I react to situations to avoid this. Maybe it's something that is out of our control for certain reasons.

All I can say by experience is that we shouldn't worry about anything as long as we have faith and ask for help when we need it. Reach out and talk to someone, journal your thoughts and emotions, as long as you aren't avoiding them or taking it out on people. Acknowledge the thought that your thinking about, and give it a reason why it happened and know that it played out that way for a reason. Whether you know the reason or not, let it go. You can't control the past, but you can figure a way to handle life from now on because of experience. Give yourself that pep talk as if it was someone you care about. What would you tell them? Meditation is very helpful with practice, takes mental discipline and time and focus. Care about how you feel. Our life is meant to live how we want it, not by people's expectations and in the NOW, not in the past. You're not heading that way. If you are a sensitive person like me, there is nothing wrong with you at all. Never let anyone tell you who you are and that your too sensitive and make you worry about their opinions. They can make you question your sanity and make you believe that you are at fault, NEVER Listen to others people's opinion or negative words. You'll be glad you stood up for yourself without regret. Words are meant to uplift others, and to heal, to tell people good things, not to create problems or be judgmental, or to say hateful words. I'll be posting about this subject soon. More to come. After all, I'm an expressive woman that has a lot to say.

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