Divorce Letter

Hi. My name is Tanya and I am an addict. I spent nearly a decade in active addiction using any drug I could get my hands on. Heroin was my favorite. I allowed it to control me completely. My thoughts, my actions, my emotions. It took everything from me. My money, my health, my looks, my freedom. Then it started taking my loved ones and I knew I had to make a change. I had to live, for them. I have been in recovery for two years. Getting clean is one of the hardest things I've ever done. Staying clean is no cake walk either. I wrote this letter early in my recovery for myself, as a reminder of where I’d been and what I’ve overcome. Over time I've looked back at it often to keep fresh that feeling of stability that writing it gave me. Now, I've decided to publish it in hopes that these words might help someone find that same strength and to know that they are not alone. Whether you are currently in active addiction, love someone who is, or are fighting to stay in recovery, please know that you are not alone. I pray that you find your way. Please know that recovery is possible and you are worth it. If I can do it, anyone can. May these words be a flicker of light in your darkness and may you never remain there. With Love, Tanya

Dear Heroin,

I can’t deny the fact that a part of me loves you, or the fact that I'll always feel drawn to you in some way. For a period of time I thought you were good for me in some ways. I realize now that I was just telling myself the same lies you less me to believe. That's why I'm writing you this letter. It's far past time that I let you go. Although I very much enjoyed the comfort I found in the darkness you surrounded me with, I know that the absence of emotion that you create is always temporary. You are not a “fix”. You are a delay for the negative emotions but when you’re around there are no positive ones. You've taken Everything from me including my sister and my husband. That in itself is completely unforgivable. The fact the you’ve repeatedly tried to kill me any way you could further shows how toxic this relationship has always been. The fact that you ever had me believing my death would be a blessing shows how badly you shattered my self image. What you didn't know is that I'm a fighter. I saw from the start what you were trying to do, and, although I must admit you had a grip on me for far too long, I didn't let you destroy me. It's taken a long time and a lot of work to make it to where I am. I'm not naïve enough to think I'm anywhere close to done, or that I ever will be. I'm fully aware that I'll spend the rest of my life fighting battles against you and I'm prepared to win each one. That’s the price I’ll pay for ever having known you, a price much smaller than my sister and husband paid. I thank God for the strength to win the battles they lost. Even though living without them is the hardest thing I've ever done, and even though you may numb the pain, I know without question you are Not the solution. You are the problem. It's not me. It's you. That's why I'm divorcing you. You never made me happy anyway.

Never Yours,

Tanya Weier