De Profundis; A Visual & Poetic Journey

My empire was growing stronger by the day. I had barricaded myself up in my mind. I had mastered my body and was running a tight regimen of activities to maintain the equilibrium. I had erected a solid wall between myself and the outside world. I had perfected the mask to wear to be as invisible as possible. One thing became apparent, it was now very lonely in here. A whisper would float in now and then trying to strike up a conversation and I would brush it away, pretend it wasn’t real. Eventually, though, just like the building of any relationship I began to interact. This impression, this whisper, this presence was so still and gentle that it was able to slip into my fortress of evil and nothing I could do could keep it out. It was like a fog, a mist, a vapour. It was everywhere and nowhere all at once. It wasn’t pushy or invasive. It just was. It sat in the corner observing me, never judging. Eventually I grew curious and even fond of it. I began to divulge all my secrets and wishes and dreams. It seemed to know them anyway and it felt safe and right and ok. This was my secret. This was my one source of love and hope in a cold, dark red flaring inflamed body of hate. We certainly didn’t agree on everything. I had developed a constant narrative of how shitty I was and how great I was and how unfair everything was….I would dissect and tear apart every inch of myself molecule by molecule on a daily basis telling every cell how much I detested its very existence. My friend would just hover there light a nightlight not interjecting or saying a word, just there. It was waiting, but not impatiently.

"The study of myself and all it's complexities is a continuous and miraculous journey of mystery, terror, confusion and discovery interspersed with gifts of divinity. It began from an outside perspective, laced with loathing. I was cut off from reality; from anything holy and beautiful. Vibrations of negativity, isolation and fear coursed through me and anger held me hostage. I could see myself form different angles but they all resulted in the same conclusion , I was different. Somewhere within I was deeply unconvinced that this was the final truth for me, so i stopped in my tracks. I stopped doing anything. I sat with myself and began the dissection. As I uprooted the trash and infectious wounds I'd gathered in my soul from outside of me, the shell slowly broke away and my true self was set free. I was in awe of the suffering I'd endured and the suffering of those around me. My true affliction was revealed to me. I saw how I was actually connected, yet separate and my imperfections were perfectly human. I'd been living with the delusion that I was a monster from a another land trodding in a foreign and hostile place where the unyielding suspectors defined me. Upon receiving these new revelations a new terror set in. I began to recoil in horror as the crystal clear betrayals and injustices plaguing humanity haunted me. It was fall and parts of me were dying with the leaves. I wanted to run, I wanted to escape the anguish of these memories. I didn't want this gift of knowing that had been given to me. It soon dawned on meI could not outrun the feelings attached to my experiences and finally I sat still once more. It all caught up to me and when the storm passed I was set free. Knowing that here and now I exist in divine peace I take an intermission and imagine the skeletons in my vast closet dancing away from me. "