Creativity and Chaos

Do you have so many creative ventures that you never complete them? Do you dive in with superhuman energy and enthusiasm that you know, just know, you're finally going to start that business doing something you are passionate about? For weeks you're on that high of productivity, buying all the necessary things to get your work off the ground, creating your masterpieces, setting up your social media, and announcing to your friends and followers that you're about to take the world by storm with your new business venture. And then...

It just fizzles. While you still want to get the business started, you run out of the energy and motivation to keep moving forward. I just turned 57, and I can't tell you how many times I've found something I wanted to do creatively, something I wanted to turn into a business, something I was 100% passionate about, only to let all that enthusiasm and focus fade away. I just. get. tired. And then I feel, again and again, like a failure.

I'm an artist. All throughout my school years, I sketched animals, people, and places. I even dabbled a bit in watercolors, and was quite good at it. As I became an adult, life got in the way. I worked and raised four daughters, and I didn't draw again for another 30 years. I didn't enjoy it as much as I had as a child and teenager, so I only did a few sketches to work on my technique. Then I discovered Photoshop and graphic design. I did okay, but never reached a level beyond the basics.

As the years rolled on, with the internet at my disposal, I was able to discover all kinds of art forms I never knew existed. I began hand painting and bleaching t-shirts with my own stencils, which I'd created in Photoshop after discovering an amazing Puerto Rican artist on YouTube. My eldest daughter and I were going to create and sell them and make lots of money. Then it all just fizzled out.

After that I delved into designing and making doggie bandanas, handmade jewelry, acrylic pour paintings, various forms of sublimation printing, and laser engraving. Fizzle, fizzle, fizzle. If nothing else, I was predictable.

You would think that by now I'd throw in the towel and give up on my dream to start a business. But I can't give up. I won't give up. My sister suspects that she and I both suffer from ADD, and that might explain a lot. We are strong-minded, strong-willed, and smart. We take enthusiasm to a whole new level, but at some point, we run out of steam. At least, I know I do.

I become tired and overwhelmed. I can't focus. I struggle to remain alert. Months go by. Eventually, I find something new I want to do, or pick up on something I've tried before, and repeat this life-long pattern of all-or-nothing, only to see it turn into nothing again. Does any of this sound familiar?

I'm not a well disciplined person, not at home. I'll clean like a fiend until four o'clock in the morning, getting my house in perfect order, only to let it slowly get cluttered and messy again. And it may be weeks before I get the energy to tackle it once more. If I have to depend on myself to get things done, it may be a while before it happens. I'll sleep odd hours. This all plays into my inability to follow through on the projects I get so passionate about. Clutter and messiness can take the wind out of anyone's motivation.

Being a creative person, this can sometimes make for a miserable existence. Overall, I'm a happy, upbeat person, but when I see myself failing, when I see my dream slipping away, I can go for months being wholly unproductive. And it gets worse when family members, concerned about my well-being, point out my failings. When you're aware of your short-comings, you don't want to hear about it from others. You already know and don't need to be reminded of it.

What do I ultimately want to do with my life? Well, I love to write, and I did complete a wonderful little book (I actually finished it!) about a tortoise and frog who go on a great adventure. I self-published it, but not on a platform where it could get the exposure it needs. I want to rewrite it, make it better, and finish a mystery novel I started a few years ago. I've written over 30,000 words so far.

I also want to continue building on my photography. I use a few online stores to sell my images, but I haven't put the effort into them to allow me to quit my day job. I want to have my own website, sell my original photographic work, and start a portrait photography business. That has been my most recent venture.

I want to start acrylic pour painting again. I love the medium, and the creative process is thoroughly enjoyable for me. I had a lot of encouragement from friends who saw my work, but again, I lost the motivation to build a real business around it.

I want to do all these things, but I have to stay focused on one thing, pushing aside my other interests so I can actually succeed. Photography is my greatest passion, and I have to stick with it and forget, for now, the other things I want to do. It ain't easy!

And thus, the struggle continues. I want to do all these things and not have to work for someone else. I think that's part of what holds me back. I have to bring home a paycheck, and I resent it. I have no desire to "move up" in a company. I just want to do my job and go home because I have no career aspirations beyond doing what I want to do creatively.

Being me can be a real downer sometimes. But at the same time, I know I have talent and vision, and I don't want to let go of that vision. I am my own worst enemy, but there's a superhero inside me who breaks through my negative thoughts and self-loathing to push me, once again, toward fulfilling my dreams. Even at 57, after years of failures, I am optimistic. That's what keeps me going. I believe I'm going to succeed.

Now that I'm older, I feel I can better harness that positivity and purpose. I still struggle with maintaining the energy and motivation I need to get things done, but I've been working on allowing myself to take more time to make it happen. If I lose the motivation for a while, it's okay. I'll just pick up where I left off and push forward when I'm ready. I always want things to happen "yesterday", and when I don't reach the goals I've set for myself, I give up. Not anymore.

I'm in that slump now with my photography. I know I'll get back to it because I've discovered that I need to do things in steps. When there is a lot involved in making things happen, and when parts of the process overwhelm me, I have to take a break.

At this moment, I'm overwhelmed by the process of setting up my photography website. I haven't published it yet because I'm confused about how to complete the setup. That's my biggest stumbling block right now. I know that once I get it done, I will have completed the most difficult part of the journey. It won't happen as quickly as I'd hoped, but it will happen. I'm giving myself permission to falter.

By writing about my struggles and "putting it all out there", I hope it resonates with some of you who read this and encourages you to never give up. Regardless of what your goals are, if you find yourself not living up to your own expectations, give yourself permission to falter and to pick it up again when you're ready.

I'll let you know when I get that website up and running in a later post, and how I'll be moving forward after that. It may be next week, or it may be next month. I'm keeping my focus until my motivation catches up.