Coming Out

Hey everyone! I am Juliana.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family. Would you guys like to hear about them? Haha!

My dad suffers from depression. He had a difficult time at work in the civil service due to vicious office politics. He was passed over for promotion multiple times and felt empty. And I CAN UNDERSTAND how someone in that circumstance can feel empty.

After work, he went home to an empty marriage.

Now, let me tell you about my mum. She is a narcissistic, manipulative and emotionally abusive woman. She wants her way and no one can be better than her.

I know it sounds like I am being bitter, but hear me out. I never realised this until I was much older and started having independent thoughts.

I used to work as an auditor who earns well. Mum said to me : “You cannot have so much money in your bank account. Later people rob you and force you to withdraw everything. Just keep 1k, I will keep the rest for you in our joint account.”

Yeap… My mum forced me to have a joint account. Can you guess what’s going to happen? Haha!

One night, dad told me that mum tried to stab him with the car key. I confronted her on this matter. She said : “Even if I kill him, I have proof that he is insane and tried to attack me. It will be considered self-protection.”

Let’s move on to my younger brother. At work, he is a “YES” man; At home, he is a monster. He is hot tempered and physically abusive. He threw house keys at my face. Thank God I wear specs that time. If not, I could be blinded.

One time, my dad was discussing with him about contributing some money for his portion of the phone bill. He then said : “Why should I?? It’s not that much to begin with!! I have plans you know??”

And then it escalated and my brother clenched his first, wanting to punch my dad. When I stepped in, he then punched me on my dominant arm. I have to wear long sleeve shirts for a month.

I always locked my bedroom door as I no longer feel safe in that house.

Everyday, I lived in fear and trepidation.

One day, I decided that enough is ENOUGH!

And that one day, was 3 years ago, I summoned all the courage I had and walked out of my abusive household, leaving everything behind and starting life from ground zero.

As an overprotected child, I have been conditioned by my mum : “The world is a scary place. No one loves you except ME… Go! Leave the house… One day, I will read the newspaper and come to know you have been raped and killed or died in a nasty accident!”

I tried to get back my savings from her but she refused and said : “You have been an embarrassment to me. The money will be used to compensate my face!”

I was filled with anger and sadness.

I left home not knowing anything and need to start re-learning about life.

I have a driving license and a car, but I don’t drive.

When my friend, Ron offered me his condo, he said : “Juliana, I got a place for you! Just that you need to drive to Serdang…”

I was like : “Huh? Where the hell is Serdang?? Is it a place with a lot of cow dung??”

Ron came to my home to guide me how to drive to the new place in Serdang.

I have directional dyslexia. I cannot differentiate between left and right.

Because I don’t drive, even if it’s a straight road, I might die.

I reached a road that goes straight ahead, with an exit on the left and a wall on the right.

The GPS said : “Turn left.” Now, my brain immediately thinks, right. But I can see the road ahead has no right. Logically, I shouldn’t and cannot turn right… but growing up in a family as you can tell, I am trained to take instructions. So… I turned right!!! Almost killing a friend. Thank God Ron pulled the handbrake. Phew!

When we arrived at Serdang. I broke down and cried, and I said something I can’t believe I said : “I left home with nothing! Like Lee Kuan Yew left Malaysia with nothing…” It was so silly, I know! But so true, right?

I was consumed by confusion, worthlessness & loneliness to the point I contemplated suicide. The only thing that stopped me was my dad. I don’t mean he physically, because I had left the house. I hardly see him anymore. But I what I meant was every time I have suicidal thoughts, dad’s face will appear. I can’t leave him behind.

My biggest mission is to bring my dad out of the abusive household when I achieve income stability. I want him to enjoy his golden years happy and healthy.

The new place in Serdang is super far from where I used to live (PJ). I have no choice but to quickly relearn driving.

I have no money. 1 week later, I became an Uber Driver. I am not joking. When I set my mind, I can do wonders.

Today, I am whizzing in and out of streets within Klang Valley, ferrying people from all walks of life.

After being my mum’s shadow for decades, I don’t even know who I am.

I was programmed to think that my mission is to fulfill my mum’s unachieved dreams and desires : Study hard, get good grades, get a good job as an accountant in Big 4 Firm, after 3 years, quit and join a big conglomerate like YTL, target a Dato’ and marry into Crazy Rich Asian family.

When I left home, things started to get clearer.

The world is not as scary as my mum depicted and there are people who cares. Just that I have to learn to trust instead of being afraid and skeptical all the time.

One thing I know : I love bringing joy to people.

I used to work as an auditor. It is a stable job with good pay, but can be suffocating as I find it hard to sit still & focus. I knew I am not giving my 100% in this job. I have to suppress myself to fit into the rigid corporate setting.

Instead of staying on as a depressed accountant, feeling empty at work, I decided to come out from job I can no longer find joy in & pursue my dream as a stand-up comedian, bringing joy and laughter to people who needs it.

Recently, I came out as genderfluid, which means I felt like a woman on some days, man on some days, both or even none at times.

I have been feeling this way since 10 but just don’t have the word for it. I started to express myself as both man and woman when I started work. My boss called me out on this : “Juliana, I know you can’t sit still & focus on your job. Can you at least focus on one gender??” The truth is, I can’t. It’s too limiting.

When I was a child, I was curious to find out what type of girl I am. I did a quiz. That’s way before Friendster & Facebook. I did the quiz on Kuntum magazine.

There are 2 sets of quiz. One for girl, another for boy. I did the girl’s one, tallied the scores and got “Boyish Girl”.

I can’t help but do the boy’s quiz too! The answer I got is “Feminine Boy”.

I am 50/50.

I kinda know why I don’t fit in anywhere. Girls find me too loud, while boys find me too fluffy. I am in between both genders.

I only found out about the word “Genderfluid” when I spoke to a few friends about how I felt.

That opens up a whole new world for me.

I always thought that I am weird and don’t deserve to love or receive love.

I tried to be straight but it’s hard. So I decided to embrace myself as who I am.

Some people actually thought that I came out as a joke since I do stand-up comedy anyway.

A joke?? To come out in Asian society is a huge risk. I am flooded with questions as no one knows what the hell is genderfluid. I may need to come up with a TED talk so I don’t need to repeat myself like a tape recorder.

The reason why I came out is to free myself from the invisible chains that holds me back from accepting myself and give myself the chance to love genuinely. I want to move on with life being authentic.

The thing about coming out is : I no longer felt invisible.

Also, guys actually started hitting on me. Some of them asked : “Do I and my brothers still have a chance with you?” To that, my answer is : “Depends on your face!”

I realised that by being your real self, you actually become attractive.

Because of the courage to be who you are instead of hiding under the safety blanket of conformity.

But courage doesn’t come overnight. I started off being fearful, doubtful and worried. By taking baby steps one day at a time, I became braver everyday.

So for everyone here, if you have been wanting to come out from the job you no longer love, or come out from the abusive relationship you are currently in, or you just wanna come out as your real self, the question is why not?

I have done it. It’s not free of challenges, but it’s surely liberating!

Give yourself the gift of knowing what it’s like to live as your true self and love as who you are!

So what will happen to Juliana from now on? I don’t know. But all I know is that I have found the courage to go on, no matter what. I hope you find it too!

Thank You!