Cleaning House

It has been 22 days since I left my apartment complex. Covid is terrible in Los Angeles and the simplest tasks like going to the grocery store or pumping gas have been deemed as high risk of exposure. After all of the horror stories I have heard from friends, strangers, and family, I have chosen to minimize my chances of getting sick and completely went into hiding from the world.

I spend my days jumping between my bed, couch, desk, and the kitchen. Some days are long and lonely and by the middle of the week, time feels like it is all blending together into one never ending day.

I know that staying at home is the safest thing to do at the moment and I'm lucky I can work remotely. I'm also aware that it's a privilege to work from home. But what I have found challenging, is spending so much time with my thoughts.

Negative emotions and memories from my teenage years have resurfaced and I now find myself with two options, to face them or tune them out by drowning my thoughts while scrolling through social media and watching endless hours of television.

I have decided to grab the bull by the horns. The year 2021, is time for me to face my demons. And let me tell you, it hasn't been an easy journey.

I have been diving down memory lane and piecing together events from my past to help me understand who I am today.

It has been therapeutic, exhausting, and painful to open up pandoras box and relive moments from long ago. But I think it is necessary, so that I can heal and learn to let go of the emotions that are unhealthy and holding me back.

Below is my road to reconciling my soul. Please take whatever helps you and don't give up if it doesn't work for you.

Healing is an individual and sacred journey. There is no one size fits all.

If you have made it this far into my writing and decide not to keep going, I hope you walk away knowing that you deserve to heal and as painful as the journey might be, you're not alone.

Somewhere out there is another stranger struggling to move on from that pain in their heart that clutches on to them so tightly. I sincerely hope that this year you give yourself an opportunity to heal old wounds.

Part 1

Cleaning as therapy. I decided to start this journey when I found myself cleaning my apartment. I must admit, I'm a bit of a hoarder. As a child I moved around a lot and my parents always made me get rid of unnecessary items so we could pack lightly.

As I grew up and got my own place, I started keeping everything as a memento to try to hold on to every memory. The items eventually added up and became clutter. Because I have been spending so much time at home, I found myself trying to cleanse my apartment and make room for new memories.

I ended up throwing away boxes full of old and obsolete items. It felt so good to get rid of so many useless things taking up space and energy. I felt like with every bag of trash, I was letting go of things and thoughts that were weighing me down.

Maybe our parents were on to something when they would beg us to clean our room.

In the process of cleaning, I stumbled upon old journals and notes from friends and old lovers from 14 years ago. I did not throw these away. But I did sit down and reread mine and their words. This part was hard.

I found myself reading things I had written over a decade ago and my words broke my heart. In my journals, I prayed for my parents and their marriage, for financial stability, my friendships, and the mental and physical health of my family. I was so young but already carrying the burdens and worries of my parents. Scared that my father couldn’t find work and worried because my mother was extremely depressed.

I was also very heart broken. I experienced my first love when I was 14 years old and as much as society dismisses young love, I think it plays a very important mark in how we love moving forward.

My first love was nothing short of complex. It was a complete secret from my parents and from most of my friends. I grew up in an era that was on the cusp of social media. We had Myspace and texting. But we also wrote notes to each other.

In my cleaning spree, I found a folder full of notes from that person. The notes were so sweet and beautiful. They were innocent and a display of our youthful thoughts. What started as a friendship ended up as more. We wrote about our days, silly mundane things, and then deeper stuff. We shared the things that hurt us and things we saw at home that pained us. We were there for each other. We truly loved each other.

Sadly, our relationship got complicated. I ended up moving to another state and the distance broke us. We ended up resenting each other and with time our love turned sour.

Moving and losing my best friend was very painful and I can recall being very depressed and going through the experience on my own. At the same time, my parents’ marriage was painfully ending. I remember dramatic days full of yelling and tears. My father betrayed my mother and I grew up with a notion that love was painful and unsustainable.

There are many things about myself that I have tried to bury for years and as I confront them now, I realize that I have carried those unhealthy beliefs well into my adult years. It's time to let them go.

Part 2

Physical activity. After deep cleaning my apartment, I realized that I needed to engage in physical activity to help me process all of my emotions and self realizations.

Since Covid hit, I have found myself dreading exercise. In my mind, the lockdown was an excuse to stop working out. But as more and more months went on and my treadmill started collecting dust, I realized that the two have no correlation. If I was fortunate enough to have a treadmill then I needed to get up and use it.

A year ago, I was working out five times a week doing high intensity cardio, now I found myself mentally struggling to walk for 30 minutes straight. But when I was done, I didn't regret it. I felt satisfied and accomplished. I also channeled my feelings of anger, abandonment, and rejection into my workout and by the end those feelings subsided and I felt a tinge of happiness.

I have been walking for two weeks now, and today I found myself running again. I only ran for a little bit and then walked again but that was a win for me.

I am physically moving again and the act alone makes me feel a little bit more alive.

Part 3

After my run, a deep sense of emotion came over me and I couldn’t help but start crying. I tend to suppress my emotions a lot. I try not to cry. I’m afraid if I let the waterworks loose, I won’t be able to stop. And it actually hurts to hold it all in.

However, today after my crying session, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my heart. I actually found myself laughing and smiling in a moment of euphoria. It was truly cathartic.

In my healing process, I’m allowing myself to cry. Whenever a wave of sadness hits, I’m no longer going to suppress those emotions. Why should I?

Mark Twain said, “Dance like nobody's watching."

I say cry like nobody's watching you.

Part 4

I have found so much relief in writing. There are many people in my life that have come and gone and having a conversation with them is no longer an option. So, I’m writing them a letter instead. In my letters, I ask questions that I never got answers to and express all my feelings and frustrations. These letters will never be sent but the mere action of putting pen to paper brings some sense of closure.

Pouring my thoughts on paper and reading what was bubbling up inside me was scary. It made me feel exposed but it also made me feel proud because writing takes courage and vulnerability.

The willingness to release our thoughts and express them into words should be celebrated.

Part 5

The last phase of my healing journey is self-love. This is by far the hardest part. It is so easy to give ourselves entirely to those we love but so hard to give ourselves the same love.

Self-love to me has many different looks.

To me, it is getting rid of negative self-talk, acceptance of oneself, and letting go of what I can’t control.

Self-love is also getting a good night’s sleep, taking a hot shower, eating healthy but also indulging in junk food and drink if I feel like it, setting boundaries with my family, drawing, reading, playing video games, dancing, singing, meditating, and last but not least pushing myself to keep going when all I want to do is quit.

I would love to say that I’m all healed up but our minds are so complex that it’s going to take some time to truly let go of the things that haunt me.

I have made a promise to myself to not rush this process. Part of being alive is our ability to feel both the highs and lows and right now I’m somewhere in the middle.

If you made it this far into my writing thank you and I hope you too are able to start the healing process.

I’ll repeat it again, you’re not alone. I’m rooting for you and I’m rooting for me.