Clarity

Before the pandemic and quarantine and fear of becoming so ill I’d find myself relying on a respirator for air flow, I was having a very hard time with self-image, motivation and mental clarity.

Unsure how to connect the dots in why I was having such a hard time, I began to seek help. The third individual helped me narrow down the list of what gives me a sense of identity, and it quickly turned to pressure to turn my art into a career, which in turn made art a task. My last meeting was advice to turn my relationship into an ultimatum: ring by Christmas or I can’t do this.

Needless to say, I am no longer seeing that individual.

I still sit here unsure where I want or need to put my energy. I still sit here wondering why I feel sad in my own skin and how it has come to this point.

Ah, but isn’t that the statement. “I still sit here….”

After a few months of inconsistent work on my art, whether it was painting, sketching or writing, and several emotional breakdowns, I reached out to my former Reverend and camp counselor. Some people say that seeing someone you know personally for mental guidance can be a bad thing, but I’m, yes, “sitting here” able to write down and understand how I can get myself out of this state.

I find it easier to talk with someone I know personally because some of the things I would need to explain isn’t so. Someone known personally has that backstory and the dots can be connected without the need for further explanation.

My first assignment was instead of searching for identity, I should search for my core values. I will find things that are important to me day to day, but where does that come from? Eventually when I search deep enough, I’ll find consistencies and that long list is really made of four or five values. But everything I do should fit underneath those core values.

Everyone is different, but I will share my process:

1. Adventure. Whether it is to a location, enjoying a moment, or meeting someone new, I need that taste of adventure to change things up. I will get bored if I don’t. In accepting this, I knew my habits are gone astray by “sitting here.” No wonder I’m miserable on that level.

2. Knowledge. With relationships comes knowledge. A human’s ultimate goal is to evolve, and that cannot be done without growth, and we grow by learning which is done by watching, listening to and questioning other humans. I’ve had a hard time getting the most out of my human interactions (which have been fewer and far between since Late February) because of my fight through mood swings. But I know its value.

3. Security/stability. It is so important to me to be stable financially, emotionally and have a clean home. And while I still do not have a job from the initial COVID-19 outbreak, I do not feel secure financially, thus I feel emotionally unstable, which affects my motivation to go on adventures, and clean and build relationships and learn.

4. Health. Physically and mentally healthy. Food has been my way to keep my weight even, but I think we can all agree that cooking every single day gets, well, exhausting. Exercising has always been weird for me. The only sport I decided to stick with was swimming and when I entered high school my back showed signs of irritation and compromising that pain my shoulder gave out, so then I had a spinal disc slippage (spondylolisthesis) and shoulder inflammation (multi-directional instability (MDI)) and on top of that I have allergy and exercise induced asthma. To me, I just see myself as hopeless. Yoga keeps me stable-minded, standing tall, and able to comprehend all the above.

If I can STABILIZE all the above, I have myself, and clarity.

Clarity is the next project. What does that entail, and if I break out of that sense, how do I get back? What is my 9-1-1?