Broken from the Start

I’ve been through hardships and heartache all my life and I'm no stranger to trouble either. My first hardship is a constant physical war. When I was 24 hours old I had a stroke. The left side of my body was damaged, especially my left hand. Unfortunately, my second hardship happens to be in my family, my father. Growing up I saw him as my hero. I never saw the snake lurking in the grass. My father is an alcoholic, a drunk really. My whole childhood I was left in the dark. I knew my dad liked to drink but I didn't understand that it was a problem. I was blind to the way he treated my sisters. I thought I was his princess, but I ended up playing the role of the fool.

At age fourteen the snake started to rear its ugly head at me. When I was fifteen, I left my home state to visit my grandmother. When I came back home, my parents no longer shared it. My father had no job, things were tense. My mother warned me before I left of impending doom. When she told me she was making him leave, it wasn’t a big deal to me; at first. When I came back from California I was sad, very sad. My hardship was the first man in my life and subsequently, the first to break my heart. My hero was gone and I missed who he used to be; who I thought he used to be. I was fooled.

My final hardship is my relationships. My first boyfriend treated me well. He gave me a shoulder to cry on when my parents were falling apart. With his support and my therapist’s I started my recovery from depression. It was too good to be true; he didn’t want my recovery. He wanted me to stay sad and alone. My “alone” was in his arms, it comforted him. My true friends started to reach out more, so I started making plans. This meant I couldn't see him as much. Once again I was fooled, he showed no happiness for me. I was creating my own happiness and he hated it. So much so that we fought. Fighting made scary things happen. I needed to walk away and when I finally did, he threatened me with self harm. He played with my compassion, I was guilt tripped and manipulated. Eventually, with time and healing, I began to understand what was happening to me. As time passed, I grew strong enough to leave.

The summer before I came to Mohawk Valley Community College, I spent time with my best friends and I made memories that I'll remember and cherish forever. But when I got to MVCC I was not focused, at least, not on the right things. I was chasing after false thrills. I wasn’t chasing a dream or a passion and I still wasn’t my true self. I was chasing money. Money is important, but money is not my happiness. I was still hopelessly chasing after the love of a man. Now, instead of chasing after money or boys I’ve decided to chase my dream. This program could tremendously help lead me to the success I’m working toward, and help me live the life I want to live.

I have been through my fair share of struggles and troublesome heartaches and heartbreaks and that has driven me to do better for myself, better than others have done for me. I dream of continuing to be the independent woman I am and becoming successful within the entertainment industries. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I look at my choices and the paths that I've taken and I know I'll get to where I want to be one day.