Breakup With A Perfect Ghost

It's all there: the challenge prompt, the premise, the idea. You even have a photograph to use for your challenge entry. Everything is there except for one thing - the inspiration to write.

Sometimes, restriction fleshes out unrealized bounds of creativity. For example, I found the Haiku Challenges incredibly helpful for this, and I believe the Breakup Nonet Challenge will be great for this too. When you only have so many syllables to work with, the restrictions force you to weigh every word with precision. Each mental choice is carefully calculated as you try to find the perfect combination, the perfect formula. There's a lot of focus involved in these challenges.

Other times, restriction does only that: restrict us from meeting our full potential. Restriction can easily become neuroticism, anxiety, and self-doubt. It becomes the ever-expanding launching pad for perfectionism until there's no room left for imperfect exploration... aka: growth.

When the Breakup Nonet Challenge was announced, I was filled with excitement and dread. On the one hand, I love a good challenge that forces the writer to hone their craft a little. On the other hand, I believe words are magic. I think anything we write down and put out into the universe has a slight chance of coming to fruition. When I think about my life and relationships, there's nobody I want to break up with, not romantically, platonically, or even buisness-relationship-wise. Putting that out into the universe feels risky for some reason.

I try to tell myself I'm being ridiculous. I try to convince myself I can write about a past breakup, or some made-up characters' breakup. I know that isn't how it works, though (not to me, at least.) Despite having a photograph I was excited to use, a fun challenge, and a cool prompt, every time I went to write, I came up against a wall with no cracks of light.

The photograph lingered in my drafts along with a dozen others, waiting to be given words. I pictured how cool the photographs in my drafts would look on my profile if only they became stories, or poems, or blog posts. I fantasized about writing some gothic breakup nonet my teenage self would be proud to read at her local poetry slam.

Yet, nothing.

Meanwhile, all these other stories and pieces were waiting to be written. I had a tank full of inspiration being snuffed out and quelled by my mental checklist: do this challenge, then this one, then this one. Use this photo for this, then this photo for that, blah blah blah.

What if I just want to write nonsense and show off a cool photo I took in April?

I realized the only one telling me I couldn't was myself.

I had been thinking about a re-brand for a while. With so much online being AI-generated, I knew I wanted to start using some of my own personal photographs to break the mold a little, even if they were slightly clumsy-looking, or, you guessed it... imperfect. Especially if they were imperfect.

For so long, I would get hung up on releasing pieces in exactly the right order - so much so, that I would stop myself from writing and releasing pieces altogether. My self-imposed pressure became too much for me. I cracked open and slinked away to clean up the mess that came out in private.

Then both my jobs picked up and I was forced to take a step back from Vocal for a few months (again) - something I had put in my SWOT analysis at the beginning of the year I wanted to avoid in 2024. I felt crummy, burnt out, guilty, and far away from my art when all I wanted was to join it out at sea and splash around in the waves with it.

Vocal's Dialogue Poetry Challenge ended up being a great way to release some of those feelings by reflecting on a past life.

Back then I was exhausted from partying; now I was exhausted from working 14-hour days. I missed the party but also knew you couldn't drag me back there if you tried. I just had to - you know, remember that. I've learned since then there are more effective ways to engage with play than by getting plastered on the weekends.

Methods of play like creativity.

In order to create the space for that play, though, I have to know how to have a balanced relationship with restriction. I'm learning how to switch pace between restricting myself creatively enough to survive financially and restricting myself financially enough to survive creatively. It's the never-ending marathon every artist knows.

I don't think I'm going to enter the Breakup Nonet Challenge (although I am excited to read the entries!) but I also decided I'm not going to let my perfectionism stop me from having fun on this platform.

Sometimes the photo might have little to do with the article other than I liked taking and writing both. Sometimes I might not get back to the Facebook pages. Sometimes I might disappear. And that's all OK, because unless you're a doctor, nothing really needs to be perfect all the time, anyway.

Maybe one of my SWOT analysis goals from January was posting consistently. Another goal, though, was to "just hit 'Publish' more." It's funny how in theory those two goals should align pretty seamlessly. When self-doubt, self-restriction, and perfectionism interfere, though, the seam becomes a fine line. The ghost of potential perfection can hold us back just as much as it can push us forward.

So maybe in a way, this did end up being a breakup piece. Although, I think we can all agree this is a tad longer than a nonet. It's past time to part ways with my unhealthy relationship with perfectionism and restriction.

Instead, it's time to press publish and forget the polish.

It's time have some heckin' fun again.

Has perfectionism caused unnecessary restriction in your life? How did you overcome it? I would love to know in the comments below!