Breaking Barriers and Building Connections

Healing doesn’t mean pain free, or easy. It is no walk in the park. It’s messy, confusing and requires every ounce of courage and self-compassion you can find within yourself. The journey to healing from trauma, whether it’s an emotional or physical wound, is full of barriers. It requires you to be honest about how much it hurts and where, with no denial or escape. My constant reminder to myself is that: you must feel pain to heal from it.

For a long time, I was someone that was afraid of my own vulnerability and afraid to ask for help, or just to say how I feel and be heard by someone I love. I can now tell you that it’s far more helpful to embrace your vulnerability. I’ll be 25 at the end of January and throughout the past ten years, I have experienced much oppression in my life. I had crippling anxiety as a teenager that hospitalized me for almost a month. The next year, my father died. One year later, my grandfather died. Then four years later, my grandmother died. The next few years were full of heartbreaking trauma and abuse. I had a child. I then left my abuser and began my own path of healing.

It’s been a little over two years since I left my abuser. I’ve learnt more lessons than I can possibly count. I have cried an ocean of tears and spent countless hours in therapy. I’ve had sleepless nights and the darkest days. Today, I sit here doing better than I ever before. I faced adversity head on and came out stronger, kinder and more beautiful. I never lost faith in myself or the light that exists in my heart and in this world.

When faced with hardship, it can be difficult to accept. Life isn’t easy. If it was, all this beauty, love and light wouldn’t be appreciated. There would be no balance. It takes the darkest nights to see the brightest stars. There are so many things we wish never happened to us; lives we wish were still alive. We must accept what we have and find beauty even in the darkest days. Without acceptance, our suffering will continue despite all efforts. We cannot change what’s happened to us, but we can choose how we deal with it. Escaping the pain can feel like an easy thing to do, but that only prolongs our suffering. When you numb yourself to what you don’t want to feel, you also numb out the positive as well.

In order to move forward to a healing path, you must remember all that you are. Everyone is born with everything they ever need to adapt. We are all different, but we all bleed the same color. Our skin colors, brain chemistry and physiology may be different, but inside of us we all have what it takes to overcome hardship. We are human and although you may feel alone, we are all fighting a different battle. We can help each other by listening, carrying a grocery bag, or checking in on someone just because. Unfortunately, you can’t erase the pain someone is feeling, and you can’t fix what is broken inside them. What you can do is hold their hand when they feel unsteady, and you can light their candle from your flame. You can be present throughout their discomfort; you can be that reminder that no one is ever alone in this world.

As I sit here writing this, I can hardly believe how great my life is today. After everything I went through, I found a way to make light of it. On February 1st I will start my first year of university, where I will be studying architecture. It took a lot of hard work and dedication to get here. I have a lot of people to thank for their support throughout my challenges. The amount of encouragement and kind words that I have received for openly speaking about my pain has helped me keep going. Therefore, I know how important connection is and how important it is to be honest about how you feel. Every day for the past two years, I have told myself two very important things. The first thing: I can do all things I think I cannot do. The second is: you must believe in the unimaginable for it to happen. Through faith, connection and persistence: I made it. I am here beginning a chapter I never imagined would happen. If you’re afraid of opening your heart and healing, that’s when it’s most important to connect. Connection can be the path to healing if you let it.

Thank you.

Cynthia Fraser-Shadbolt