Book of Dreams

I wish to have $20,000 in one day.

That simple sentence was the only thing I can think of to write. The tiny, black book that I found on my doorstep on no particular day had driven my curiosity to this stage. No matter how bizarre my circumstances are, this is the only way to prove if it's real or not.

After all, how could I ever earn that large sum of money in no time?

$20,000 is my annual income. Though it may not seem much within a year, I was able to live comfortably. I have clean water, food, electricity, internet, clothes, and so on. It was enough to meet ends mean, and getting that much money in one day is only possible if you were Bill Gates or Jeff Bezos.

All the details that I have seen in this book told me of a story. A story that is familiar to my memory, yet my memory does not recall such events. Though it makes no particular sense whenever I first look at them, it came to be understood after a while.

Everything unfolds the way it is shown in the book.

For one, I read a story of someone who missed the bus to work, making her late for work. It was a perfectly normal story until I realised it doesn't continue after that. Then I look at the time, where I'm almost late to catch the bus. I left for the bus stop at once.

To my surprise, the bus came earlier than usual. I ran and ran, but it has departed before I could even manage to step into the bus. Perhaps it had missed me.

Then I remembered the short story that was written I tried to look for an alternative route on my phone, even if it costs double the bus fare. I caught a taxi and manage to arrive at work on time. Thank God I managed to do so. I would’ve lost some of my salaries otherwise.

Work went as per usual. The co-workers were nice, no annoying customers at work, and nothing went out of the norm. I had assumed that it was a coincidence when the story I read in the tiny notebook matches my reality.

I wonder why there was an empty part after the story.

I met with my family on the weekend. I may not be entirely sure if they were happy to see me or not, but I do know that I may not be valued as much as my other relatives. Compare to my cousin, Jackie, who now owns a small, successful start-up, or my nephew, Edmund, who won numerous Hackathons and is now accepted at a well-known technology institute, I have never achieved anything that could… Let’s just say make my parents and myself proud. We share similar genes, but we don’t have the same achievements. I currently work at an IT company as the call centre customer service. Though it wasn’t my thing, at least it pays the bills. Even in that job, I wasn’t at the top among my colleagues, though I wasn’t at the bottom either. I was just a middle, average, person, who could disappear without anyone noticing.

“You’re back, Nadia,” my mom finally noticed me 10 minutes after my arrival. That wasn’t as long as I thought it would be. I suppose the others haven’t arrived yet. The time to celebrate my father’s birthday was still 2 hours away. I suppose I should help out to prepare. Contributing something to help out the family, though it may not be much.

I set up the tables outside, made the punch, put cutleries outside. I hoped the gift that I prepared for my dad is good enough. I know he loves food, so I saved up for three months to give my parents a fine dining voucher in Four Dynasty Hotel.

I kept imagining my parents’ reaction. I imagined how happy they would be, and how excited they would go to the dining. They might take an entire day off on their wedding anniversary, where they prepare their best selves and have one of the best dinners of their life. Candlelit tables, jazz music by the swimming pool on a cool night. I excitedly write these in the black notebook I found as I imagine the scene.

It happened exactly the way I thought it would. I was surprised. Very surprised. I'd never thought they'd rejoice from the gift voucher I gave them. I know my cousin can get them 10 of them in an instant, and there was a chance they may compare me and so on. But they didn't. I was relieved. The effort I put into that gift was immense, and I was afraid that they would simply look at it indifferently.

Though unsure that this can be another coincidence, I started to believe in the book a little bit more. Three other similar occurrences happen and I began to think that it could be more than just a coincidence. I decided to determine it today, writing a $20,000 cheque that is possibly on its way now.

I answer calls and help people who have issues with their cloud storage. Nothing so far. When I get home, I decided to check the notebook I wrote. Nothing else was written. Maybe I was overthinking. Maybe it was just a coincidence. Perhaps I really couldn’t –

DING – An email comes in. I was made redundant from my job due to the declining economy, and I will receive my severance pay ($20,000) in one business day. I blinked. I blinked again. The screen hasn't changed. I pinched myself to find out if I was dreaming or not. But it hurts. I could no longer doubt this email I'm seeing right in front of my eyes.

I am devastated – After all, where else should I go? With my skills, qualifications, who’ll accept me? I am terrified, remembering all those times I see my inbox filled with rejection letters and bills. What should I do? I tried looking for the book but it was nowhere to be seen. It really was the last time.

Taking deep breaths, I decided to calm down to plan what to do. I picked up my phone and texted my cousin if she has any vacant positions I can try out. I opened my laptop to see other positions I can try to apply for. I ask my friends if they can teach me how to invest in the stock market. I waited for their reply for the longest time I could think of. Only 1 hour has passed.

I looked for more things I can use to invest in myself, training, online courses, and the lot. I have to keep trying, over and over again. I can't quit. I need to be someone who is good enough. So my family would be proud to have me. So I... can be proud of myself.

Then night falls. I can't sleep.

How should I break the news to my parents?

My mind was restless.

I can't focus.

I can't think.

All I could do is stare at the wall.

There was intense numbness in my heart. I can't feel anything.

My heart was filled with void.

If only I knew what that book was capable of. If only I knew, then... What will I do?

Can I change the past? Will I be able to go back in time, redo everything again so my parents can be proud of me?

Even back then, did I do my best back then? I studied. I studied every night and day, just so I can get good grades. I was a kid who was obedient, and who tried to participate in class as much as possible. I tried to answer every question, do my best in all subjects. But my efforts were in vain. I wasn't the top of my class. I was just mediocre, just like how I was in my work.

I guess... I just... Wasn't good enough. Nothing would have changed if I turned back time if that was the case.

That thought itself terrifies me. I am aware that those words are self-sabotaging. The damage can be quite impactful, but no matter how it can be, isn't it simply stating the truth? I mean, I technically have the evidence to say that I'm not enough.

How can people still say they are good enough when they have not achieved anything?

What have I done with my life?

Has the 24 years of my life been nothing?

I need to look into my life again. Has everything I've done, all the time and effort I spent, been fruitless?

...

How do you determine if one thing is fruitful or not?

Is it from the impact to others? Being a customer service may help someone to have a better day after they had issues with their product. Is that a big impact? Or is the size of impact unimportant, as long as you have made someone’s day?

Is it from the impact to yourself? What have I gained from being a Customer Service? I know that I have met many people with different manners and needs. I realised that people may not know what they exactly need, and sometimes we have to read between the lines to figure that out. But, aren’t these the things you are supposed to know as you learn? Aren’t these things simply based on… Intuition?

I kept looking down and I have realised that I have not done as much as I should. The question is… What should I do? And what can I do?

My head was filled with so much noise and I can’t think anymore. All memories flood back, filling me with all the things I have failed. I relived those moments again, filling my heart with more anxiety and worries. With the way things are, is this really the end?

A jolt of thought blazes through my head, rapidly interrupting my thoughts. I can’t quit. Not after all these times. I need to survive. Will I?

At this point, it is not that I will. I have no other choice. But I suppose, I’ll never test my limits if I was never pushed into a corner.

My cousin contacted me in the morning saying that I could try interning in her company. I breath a huge sigh of relief. God is still taking care of me. I am more than fortunate for that.

My severance pay has just been received. I am planning to use some of it as a capital to invest in stockmarket.

I will stand on my feet in the future. This is just a stepping stone. Most of all, it matters not if I was worthy, all I want is to be happy.

The question is, "Will I, though?

Yes. Without a doubt. If I have enough faith that a tiny book can change my destiny, then I know that I can write my own too. Just like an empty space, I can choose my own destiny.

That faith is enough to put my mind at ease. I took a deep breath and shed a tear that I have held back for so long. It’ll be okay. I knew it at the back of my hand.

I smiled for the first time in 20 years along with the rising sun that shines brightly into my room.

It’s a new morning, after all.