Behind the word success.

My grandmother just turned 97. I haven’t seen her in ages, and at times, she can barely remember my name. I don’t know anyone else here on earth who has such an incredible amount of pride on the things that they’ve accomplished other than my grandma. Now I know where my mom gets that unwavering-almost-delusional sense of pride that is rooted very deep into her soul. If there is one main thing, amongst the many values that she’s passed on to me, is that sense of pride that has zero trace of insecurity. No it’s not confidence, or maybe it is. But I also know that when I received it, it has been watered down by my dad’s pessimistic views and low expectations due to life disappointments that he also then passed on to me.

In my grandma’s eyes, I’m successful as she counts the number of properties we have in our name. It’s not even a lot, but the way I see it, she was just not born in an era where borrowing is much cheaper and accessible. She takes pride in counting properties instead of great grand children, good thing. Her memory fails her when it comes to the names of her grandkids, but counting numbers never did.

I think that my parents think I’m successful. I run a business that generates more than what they’ve achieved in a lifetime- almost surpassing my dad.

My dad worked day and night, overtime, in a place where not many people go. He sacrificed many years of family time to be able to achieve what he has achieved in his lifetime.

And now, I’m following the same trajectory. I am pouring almost all I’ve got to make this business grow. Sometimes I wonder if this is the reason why this hubby and I are having trouble conceiving a child at forty decades of living this life here on earth.

I’ve come to a point where many people may not have the acheived what I have, but this comes as a sacrifice to lack of friends and a future family that I could have potentially had.

Yet I swim along sharks, much bigger than I am. It makes me sick to think that others are so much bigger than I am and I can’t help but compare myself to them at times, and minimize what I have accomplished thus far, instead of being grateful.

Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful, but times like today, for some reason I just feel depleated, unexplainably why. I didn’t even know where it comes from.

I started going back to the office, only to see others do really well around me. Even though I’m killing it this quarter, something still made me feel sick to my stomach, and I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it is. I can’t tell if it’s the markets, or my meetings, my boss, my clients, prospects, I don’t know.

Going home, I wanted to cry. I feel like no one else understands. No one else would get what I’m going through unless you’re doing the same role than I am.

Then I started to wonder, I wonder how the politicians feel, the ones who lead countries, provinces, cities, or organizations. It’s really hard when there’s not a lot of people to turn to, who will really understand what it is that you’re going through. The only people who will get it are the ones who have been there, or are going through the same thing.

Today, I was talking to a rookie co-worker and she was also down. 2”we work in a testosterone-denominated industry and the hunting and gathering world is made for certain types of individuals that fit more the type A personalities with the lifestyle that allows for the male role in the society to thrive and prosper. Im afraid that that “down”feeling may have rubbed off on me. She specifically came to see me to find a boost, an encouragement to know that there is hope for females in the industry and to find an ally hopefully during these dry times. I thought I could wing this mentorship or that I could always be an encouragement at any time cause I carry that in my sleeves and in my pocket! I though I had plenty of that to give, but today, I didn’t have that. There was nowhere to draw it from, no sleev, no pocket.

In any case, we cannot operate out of empty. Comparison is the biggest killer of joy, I know. The hardest task to do sometimes is to put the blinders on, focus on yourself, on what you can do and to build yourself.

I go to this church where they have amazing praise and worship leaders. I can name at least three from the top of my head that are AMAZING at what they do and all three of them have different styles. Completely different. They can’t even try to copy the other as if they would, they would utterly fail in giving the world the best version that they can be, which is themselves. We would miss out on what they could offer if they tried to copy one another.

It made me think, that it’s the same for us. Sometimes, I can easily get lost in trying to find myself from other people. Other people are finding successes doing certain things but it doesn’t necessarily mean that if I’ll copy that, that I will have success as well.

In fact, the hardest thing to do really is to be yourself. To find yourself. To sharpen yourself and to find who you really are. To embrace yourself no matter what. To enhance the things that you are good at, that are given to you as talent, and to embrace the experiences that you had as a person that shaped the person who you are today.

Our voices are all unique, completely unique to us. The physical sound of our voice is the echo of the air that bounces from the different part of our body. Depending on our muscles, bones, and how fat, skinny we are, our voice will vary. It’s insane if I come to think about it.

The best voice that we will ever have is when we are comfortable with ourselves. When there is no worry, no tension, no fear, or anxiety. When it is released freely.

The only way to find one’s best voice is to know one’s self, to explore. With that, we need solitude. We need time to spend looking deeper within. We need time to analyze the situations that happen to us. We cannot be distracted as the world will try to derail our focus. It will always find a way to make sure that our mind and hearts are entertained.

Success. It’s like climbing Mount Everest. You have milestones, base camps. The weather will not always be pretty, in fact, many times, it could be dangerous. At times, you don’t think you’re gonna make it. But if you just keep on putting one foot forward after another, in no time, you’ll look back and see how far you’ve come. You just gotta keep on pushing.