Becoming a Happier Me

At the end of every year, when winter begins and the smell of cold really kicks in, the thought of how badly I wish to be thin finds its way back into my mind, in the front row seat.

Autumn and winter are hard for me every year, and while I have, for the most part, overcome my eating disorder, I acknowledge that it will always taunt me. From numbers to counting to almost dying, I’ve put my body through so much unnecessary pain and abuse.

Towards the end of 2020, after not weighing myself for almost 10 months, I finally decided to see my number. While the part of my brain that hates anything over 85 screamed at me for being “the fattest person on earth”, I got off the scale and made myself a bowl of noodles. I thought somewhat briefly that purging it afterwards would help me feel better. However, some two years ago I decided that I woulddn’t anymore. It has been a serious struggle within myself, but it has also kept me very much alive.

I always take weeks to decide my New Year’s resolutions. This year, I gave myself a good 20 minutes and was sold on the conclusion: this year, I will learn to truly love myself. Even typing it out is very scary to me, but I know exactly how to do it. I’ve been wearing a lot less makeup to get to know the real face that looks at me in the mirror. I give myself only two, instead of seven, days to wear my pajamas all day. Instead, I have been getting dressed up and allowing myself to feel pretty.

Something that I will have to work very hard on is forgiving myself, and forgiving my body. I experienced trauma as a young child and decided to take the pain it brought me out on my body. Every morning when I wake up, I will tell myself: you will be successful today. You will eat today. You will do whatever the hell you want to do today because you deserve to.

I will continue to tell myself that I am pretty. I will continue to allow myself to be loved. I will continue to break every disordered habit that has damaged my self esteem and mental health. I will be healthy, and I will love myself.

Hopefully starting in March, my boyfriend and I will begin planning our meals out to ensure that we both eat enough throughout the day. Money has been tight at home but we do both want to plan our meals, and it is also a part of my resolution. I love eating, and I love enjoying my food without that nagging voice telling me I’m wrong for it.

Before I graduated high school, I was in therapy that was funded through my district. Since I graduated, since I’m no longer a part of a school district and am not currently in college, I have begun meditating and redoing old therapy assignments. Going back and going through my old trauma and some newer trauma is really rough, but I know that in the long run it will help me be healthier.

I also have decided that for the benefit of my long-term mental health, I will keep my relationship with my biological mother (who is in jail and is extremely unhealthy for me) at a distance. While I love her and have wanted nothing more than a relationship with her my whole life, upon meeting her and getting to know who she really is, I have learned that she isn’t someone I want around on a regular basis or even a holiday basis. There is a conversation that I need to have with her in person once she is released and I know it will be tough for both of us. However, I don’t think I'll ever really be able to overcome my eating disorder unless I have that conversation with her.

I have realized in the past year that, since I’ve stopped intentionally harming myself and depriving my body of necessary nurtients, I’ve been happier. I know that my mental and physical health is in a fragile place right now, and that’s why I’ve decided not to tell myself I’m going to eat healthier, but rather that I’’m going to be healthier in every aspect. I want to love myself, and I don’t want that to be boring or to feel like a chore; I want it to feel exciting and fun, like my relationship with my boyfriend. I want to truly fall in love with my body and be grateful for everything it does for me. I want to be sorry to my body for hurting it, and to forgive my mind for making me see myself in such a twisted darkness. I want to look at my Instagram page and say “I’m so freaking hot!”, not “I wish I was still skinny.”

So I will. And to be quite honest, I really can’t wait.