August 22, 2022

Finally, we had a day off together. Praise the Lord, saints. Jeremy was in another department, but we worked on the same ship. Ericka and Seth created the most stunning duet for one our shows. You could truly feel the love and the beauty of their union when you watched. They worked, played, and lived together. Me? No, ma’am, Sam. I was not about to be around Jeremy 24/7. Don’t get me wrong, I loved that man. But baby, not me. Jeremy was always playing too much at work. I was definitely the stricter of us two. Work was always professional for me. It is the Capricorn in me. Perhaps, that is why I loved him so hard. He was the opposite of my personality. Apparently, opposites attract. Anyway, it happened to be Jeremy’s favorite port that day. I had never been.

Here’s the thing about Jeremy. Imagine the most beautiful French accent on a six foot man with dreamy eyes. He knew he was it. He would throw that charm on and everyone would flock to him. Not me. Maybe that’s why he loved me so hard. He had a past. We all do. His friends would tell me that they loved seeing him like he was when I was around. He was new to them. He was a romantic. He was so loving to them because he was receiving that kind of love. He eventually learned how to flash the puppy dog eyes at me. His friend’s sentiments combined with the puppy eyes assured me that all was well.

The floating city of Venice peaked through our port holes. Bless. I didn’t believe I was there. And… with my lover. Too good to be true. Our work schedules were busy. I believe the eight show week should be carefully reviewed. Recovery is important. Nevertheless, we were to have a day off in this magical port. It had been three cruises since we embarked on a date. Barcelona had been our last. We had reservations for a beautiful gondola ride. Just before going gondola riding, we walked into a very expensive shop. Jeremy had previously purchased something from this particular brand. I saw the name in our statement. While standing over the ring collection, one of the employees starting asking me questions about what I was doing in this store. He followed me to every spot in the store asking me random questions. Jeremy was growing a little frustrated with the gent. Upon leaving, Jeremy was about to say something to that man. I interrupted that exchange and brought him out of that store. His cheeks rosy, Jeremy said, “He was flirting with you and he was about to make me mad.” He said that very french-ly, though. This happened to be a beautiful day, so I didn’t tell Jeremy why that man was actually talking to me. I chose to be grateful for his chivalry. Honestly, perception is everything. He had sunflowers waiting for me. I had chocolate covered raspberries for him. We never came empty handed. I learned that only from the bestest friend there ever was, Danielle. On time for our reservation, despite the stigma, we read the sign saying no more rides today. So, we walked. We could have been upset but we just relished in our love. We didn’t need a destination or a reservation. Just being in the present together was enough. How many times does a person get to be in Venice, Italy, with their French lover, just roaming the streets? The sunset, the cobblestone streets, the non-cancelled gondolas floating, the random musicians playing, and my French man in a leather jacket set the scene as perfectly as I could have imagined. We stopped at every cart to have a sangria. After three, I was drunk in love. I am usually quite cautious about public displays of affection. Jeremy knew that. But he also knew that the sangrias would cancel that out. He was correct. All of that BS didn’t matter in that moment. The day continued into night. The moon was high. I loved looking up in the sky with him. In the middle of the street, under a streetlight on it’s last flicker, he asked to slow dance with me. Now, he knows how much I love slow dancing. But baby, under the moon, in Venice, and his leather jacket was a whole other vibe. He could have just taken my clothes off right then and there. That’s a story for another time though. I thought of that as the most magical moment in life for a brief second. But, the universe said there’s always more to discover. It’s really funny how when you think you have it all figured out, the universe will show you that there’s more. Jeremy then kissed my forehead, which happens to be my favorite kiss. Magic. He didn’t know that was my favorite kiss. Furthermore, he didn’t know I had dreamed of this moment. I didn’t know why forehead kisses were my favorite. People will say that our futures are ahead of us. That may be true. But what if our futures are also our pasts. Okay, Kelcee, you getting too deep! So let’s get back into it.

Anyway, Jeremy and I walked some more until he couldn’t fight breaking the seal anymore. I considered myself champion of that little competition that he didn’t know we were competing in. Score. There was a sketchy alley, my French man used to relieve himself. I danced in the middle of the street looking up to the moon, still floating from the beautiful day I was having. He came running back. He was breathing hard. I figured he might need a cigarette. That usually calmed him down. I asked if he was good. He said, “Oui oui, ma cherie.” That freaking accent! And then we did what adult lovers do. Yes, we did.

Two years was the longest relationship for both of us. Things were getting serious. My contract was ending earlier than his. I was to go home, sell my car, search for real estate in Paris for us, and tell my family. The next year was already planned for us. The last night of September, we discussed the plan. He dropped the bomb on me, though. He told me that he didn’t do his part, resulting in his job being given to someone else. The Capricorn in me perked up. Before that moment, I was success and career driven. I had previously just ran when things hadn’t gone according to the plan or I received a better job. Either way, I made plans based upon my career rather than my heart up until this moment. You could have asked any one of my exes at that point and they would have concurred.

Go for love. Jeremy’s mom gave him that advice when he first told her about me. She truly loved me, as did I to her. Go for love, was the new game. In that moment, we decided to call my boss and cancel my next contract until we figured out a new plan. Whew child, that was hard for me, but love was oozing. I had never felt like I felt with Jeremy, so I followed my heart as cliche as that sounds.

I arrived back in Georgia on October 1st. By the 2nd, My car was sold. Mission accomplished. Telling the family was the only task remaining. I asked to go get ice cream or something stupid like that. In the car, I cornered my mom. I started, “Mom, I know you don’t agree with my choices. But I am in a serious relationship. I don’t want to embarrass you. I don’t want to disappoint you but I truly think we are in love. He has been talking about marriage and making expensive purchases at ring stores. I am not saying that is what’s happening, because I really don’t know. The point is….I want you to be there if something happens. I know it’s not what you wanted. I know it’s not traditional but….I just care about you.” I stumbled over all of those words. She simply replied, “If you are happy, then I am happy.” I felt forced to have that conversation. Nevertheless, success. I thought I’d have to argue with her but that was the first time, in my mind, she saw me.

Then October 3rd, arrived. That morning, the clock read 5:55. “Kelcee, if you don’t take your butt back to bed,” I said. Laying there looking at the clock change to 6:22, Jeremy’s name popped up on my phone. “Hello,” I said. He said, “Hello.” “Jeremy, you’re calling to break up with me,” was my response after an excruciating long pause. He responded with a yes, thinking I had asked him a question. I had a feeling. I couldn’t really say much. I didn’t believe this was happening. I asked several questions, “What happened? Why didn’t you tell me before we made all these plans? Is this all of a sudden? I have no job or car. How did this happen?” There were no answers. I ended the conversation by saying, “ I can’t talk to you right now. Bye.”

The pep talk. “Kelcee, you have no job, no car, and no apartment. You are not about to call your mom. You are sitting on a friend’s couch. You don’t know what you are going to do. But, you don’t have time for that. Get your butt up and put your resume together. Send your resume. You are going to be okay. But first go dance it out.”

I listened to that voice in my head. I love dance. I danced often. It was my life. I graduated from Southeast Missouri State University with a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Dance. It was one of the first gifts I learned that I possess. However, this day was different. I went into the studio and talked. Usually, when I am in the studio alone, I don’t talk. 8:22 pm. I said, “God, please help me. I deserve happiness. I deserve peace. I’m hurting but I believe everything happens for a reason. Please help me.” After taking three deep breaths and repeating the phrase ‘I love myself’, I saw three dancers dancing in front of me. I couldn’t see their faces. The first dancer was dancing en pointe next to a coat rack with a leather jacket and a beret with a French flag on it. The dancer and coat rack sort of disappeared as the second dancer began. Dancer number two was a child, wearing scrubs of all things, holding a camera, dancing the most beautiful contemporary modern art, I could imagine. That dancer reminded me of Alvin Ailey dancers performing Revelations. Just as I was investing in dancer number 2, number 3 descended from the ceiling in the most stunning aerial silk act. After that final performance, number 3 walked up to the mirrors in the dance studio to reveal their face. It was me. I blinked. Only one minute had passed. It was 8:23 pm.

I am sitting here today, finally crying. I didn’t take the time to cry over Jeremy. I was dumped over the phone. I didn’t have much to my name. The disrespect I felt was out of this world. I’m not crying because my heart was broken. Although, it was, in fact, quite broken. I’m crying because that was the day I stepped into my power. I’m so grateful. After sending my resume out that night, I receieved a job offer in Atlanta working with kids as a clinical imagining specialist. But my big victory brought me to this winery in Napa Valley, that I’m currently sitting in writing. I was offered the job as an aerialist for a broadway production in San Francisco. Imagine that. I didn’t even realize my own power until this box arrived on my doorstep last night. Now, I live in an apartment building. I don’t know how this package would have arrived without someone calling me to get buzzed in. But it did. Normally, I wouldn’t open a random package. However, this package was sent from Sharon. Sharon was my tour guide at Mount Shasta. I went there on a spiritual retreat back in the day. She and I became friends. I could feel the connection between us so we remained in contact for a while. I haven’t spoken to her in some time but the note on the box begged me to come to this winery, at this time, and wait for Sharon. It also specified that I mustn’t open the box until we are together.

The wine is arriving at my table! I ordered the reserves. And my host is cute! I cannot wait to enjoy and cheers myself. I’m switching it up and having the desert wine first because I freaking can. I’m proud of me for getting here. I could have chosen to be miserable and sad. I could have chosen to look at only the negative side of my relationship with Jeremy, but truth be told, it was exactly what I didn’t know I needed. Anyway, hopefully, Sharon didn’t stand me up.

-I love you, Kelcee

-Go Be Great