Astray.

The serene silence, elevating my senses.

Alone on an island, surrounded by thousands of miles of water. All I see is a lonesome boat on the horizon where the clear blue sky, meets the deep sapphire sea. I've tried escaping this place countless of times but now it all seems pointless; I've cut down trees to make raft after raft, yet to no avail I sunk into the salty waves which dragged me back to this lonesome place. The trees grow back after each failed attempt, as if to mock me.

Days pass as I watch the birds, fly over the island out to sea, disappearing to a place I can't reach or imagine. To try to escape this island is all I wish for but why should I try anymore? I always come back to this place.

The fish swim, heading to new horizons or meeting their doom by running into a predator. Their lives take them on journey's unimaginable for humans to understand.

'Do they think like us?'

'Do they know there's more of a world out there than the oceans they live in?'

'What about fish in a pond? Do they know that there's more water out there for them to expand their lives in?'

It all comes back to those questions I ask myself, analyzing the animals live their lives, the only difference seems to be that they have others. They travel in packs, schools, flocks and herds, but all I can do is stay on this lonesome island by myself.

My toes firmly planted in the sand as the waves gently come to caress the edge of the island; even the island and waves can meet each other. I stare at that far away ship; the need to escape this island fading away as I realize I may never leave it.

At night, the island lights up though. The ship no longer seen when the sun goes down, instead stars that are light years away only shine out. The moon stays hidden for what seems as a millenia, providing no light upon the pitch black endless waves; yet the stars overwhelmingly occupy the sky, that the moon's not even missed. Constellations shining out, but with the millions of stars at night; finding a constellation is almost impossible when other stars intrude. Even so, they remind me of how lonely I truly am. There's trillions of stars or more in the entire universe, and they all have each other to shine next to; all I do is pale in comparison. I stand at the edge of the island, waves slightly hitting my feet as I stand there for a millenia it seems.

'Why were we born to be lonely?'

'Why was anything born to be lonely?'

Even when the fish, the birds, the stars, and the island and waves have each other; they never really have each other.

A fish can get lost from it's school, forever swimming to find their family again. They can take the most ravishing journey in hopes of the success of finding their school, but can perish once they find they can't survive alone.

A bird can stay together with their flock, but if they pass over an open field, the bird could be the only to get shot down by a hunter. Alone, injured and the shadow of death creeping up on it.

Even the transcendent stars that shine brightly out together, they seem close when mere mortals look up at them, yet in reality they're light years apart from each other, never able to meet or collide.

Even that lonesome boat I watch every day, and every night; stands alone.

We're all lonely, we know we are, so how do we make the loneliness go away? Can't this despairing feeling disappear to be lonely by itself? Why is everything in this world dragged into it when we didn't ask for it?

Although, the reason I know I'm thinking this way is my own doing. My own mind, my hands and whole self, made me this way to protect my heart.

'How do I make a friend when I don't know who to trust?'

Animals seem better at dealing with loneliness more so than humans; with humans it's always frowned to talk about it, but why can't we? The celestial sky is lonely, yet mere mortals like us can't be?

That perfectionist image we all create or strive for, just like the fish who don't know there's more to life than they can see or understand. We know it if we're exposed to it, yet no one tries to dig to find the treasures that life has hidden in store for us. Some would rather stick with what they can view and continue living without questioning; but why can't we question everything? Why can't we question the life we live, the world we're in, and our inner feelings and thoughts?

It hurts to hide what I think about, what I believe in, knowing there'll be someone to mock my true self. It hurts to hide it, but it hurts more to open who I am to those around me.

'What if I'm looked at differently?'

I'd rather swallow my emotions and become one with this island if it means I could hide from others forever.

We fake our image, fake our happiness to others to present a facade of who we wish to be or who we want others to envy. At the end of the day it's destined that we're alone when we die, no one can go with us when we lose the one thing precious to everyone; life.

So why do we create personas to show a side of us that may not exist? Why can't I break the mask that isolates me further from others?

Maybe that's why I escaped away to this place. I was scared of being hurt. I was scared of being hurt by the ideals of perfection that I locked my true self away. No one will know my inner thoughts more than I, even then I've lost who I truly am. I've hidden behind this cracking aged mask for so long, I've lost myself. I've lost myself and grew afraid, so in order to protect the last broken pieces of who I was; I made this place to run away to, yet in doing so, I've lost myself entirely.

I stare out at the lonesome ship on the horizon, unknown of what's beyond it, but the fear stops me from trying to reach it once more.

I'm scared.

'What if I never find who I am, even when I go through the efforts to escape this place?'

I'm a coward, it's all I am. I hide in this tranquility, engulfed by my sadness, all by my lonesome self; yet feel hateful when I know it was my doing that made me stuck here.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the safety this island gives, I'm tired of feeling the plush sand under my feet. I'm tired of being a coward who can only watch the stars each passing night.

Endless terrifying waves stand between me and that lonesome ship; but I wouldn't be the first to try to cross it. Just as I've watched all the other beings pass me, as they set off on journeys far past the horizon, maybe it's my turn. It's my turn to quit being afraid of the 'what if's?'. It's always been my turn to go, yet I've grown used to this safe haven just as many others have. Never the less, just like the others, this is when I know I need to leave. I could stay forever and ignore the despairing reality that I don't truly exist anymore, that who I once was is long gone; yet time moves only forwards. The only comfort in my mind is that, no matter how long I stayed on this island for, this isn't a late departure; it's the right time.

One foot forward, followed by the next, I feel the chilling sharp coolness of the water hit my toes, heels and ankles.

The rafts never worked but I never tried to actually escape; I was scared but I know now, that fear is okay. I pushed myself to find who I was without knowing the reason of the journey, I wasn't ready back then but it's different now. The rafts sunk because it wasn't through my own efforts to escape. I wanted to take the easy way to get to that ship, hoping the raft will magically float to the ship; but the journey to find myself isn't meant to be a easy one. The journey is meant to be enticing, tiring, and difficult, but it's what makes it so much more memorable.

I'm prepared to say my final goodbye to this euphoric safety net, no matter how many tears I cry during the goodbye; I'm exhilarated. I'm exhilarated to swim in the open, free. Though it's petrifying, the feeling of the waves swaying against my body as I step deeper into the ocean, delights me.

It's okay to not know how to swim, just get to the ship. No matter how far it is, get to the ship. No matter how difficult and tiring the swim gets, I need to get to the ship on the horizon.

The crystal clear, salty water splashing around me as I swim for my life; awakens my adrenaline.

'What will I see on the ship?'

'Will I use it to get to new places I've never been?'

Days quickly pass as I swim through storms, and through the blazing heat of the sun; I keep going, knowing one day I'll reach the ship. Even so; the ship is still as far as it was from the view on the island. Regardless of how far it seems I ignore the simple desire to feel discouraged, to go to the island. I can't look back, it's the last time I'll ever see it. Looking back at the lonesome island will be admitting I don't want to leave, but I do. I want to leave it behind to find new places to find myself on, to continue my journey of searching for who I will be. I'm thankful for the peace and comfort I grew to love, but I don't want to stay there for an eternity never improving who I am. I wish to grow, to make my own journey just as everything else around me. I want to make a journey just like the fish and birds do. Even as I grow weak, and exhausted; I can't look back at that island. No matter how welcoming it is, I can't go back.

Before I know it; my head hits something hard.

I stare astonished at the grand ship in front of me, unmoving as it stays put. The ship that once was far out of my reach like the stars, yet has appeared magically before me.

I climb up the side, to see a view more beautiful than anything I've ever seen. Far in the distance; is the moon I never saw. A brand new view I never knew existed, only because I decided to stay on that island. I'll forever be grateful for being able to stay on it for however long I did, but I needed to grow.

The journeys I'll experience that may or may not be fated, those are all open for me to experience, only because I made it to that once lonesome ship on the horizon. Maybe I'll end up on another lonely island where escaping seems impossible, but even so; I escaped once and I can do it a hundred times more.

Loneliness feels suffocatingly numb; but the most exciting moment of finding who you are is best done alone, it's a treasure no one can hand you.