Apologizing... We'll Talk About It

I’m not stating that saying “sorry” tastes like vinegar down my throat, but it does make me feel uncomfortable sometimes. Even if I love the person and value whatever our relationship (romantic, friendly, familia, or etc.) is. Mostly because I worry about the aftermath. I think most of us feel this way because we already feel guilty about whatever led up to this and then when you apologize you’ve probably been around people who made you feel ashamed. Being shamed on top of your guilt? It’s heavy.

Depending on what you did, you may just decide not to apologize and let the relationship fall where it may. It’s nice to play dress-up or root for them on TV, but no one wants to be viewed as the villain in real life. It turns into a lonely life when you rather lose relationships rather than just apologizing when you’re in the wrong though. Look, I’ve gone toe to toe with the best of them about something I was SURE OF and I ended up being embarrassingly wrong. What did I do? I had to tuck my tail between my legs and apologize because I cared about that relationship (you should apologize if you’re wrong, even if you don’t care about the relationship–it speaks volumes about your character and whatnot). Lately, I haven’t felt any shame though because, well…I have some pretty amazing people in my life. They know I’m feeling guilty, they appreciate that I’ve apologized, and they don’t let me exist in my shame. They don't coddle me, but they don't tear me down continuously and they allow me to grow. When people make us exist in shame I feel as though the brightest parts of us darken a little, it makes us feel dirty and it can hinder us from wanting to learn from our mistakes sometimes.

Now, don’t get me wrong, a verbal apology will not always fix the wrong you’ve done. Sometimes it takes action. Sadly, sometimes even after saying “I’m truly sorry”-- the best apology is leaving someone alone because you’ve caused that much damage. I’d like to think we are all redeemable people, but we are not redeemable to everyone. What I mean by that is, certain things we do to others will never be forgiven and they won’t care about the growth we made or how we’d never do something like that again. Is it fair? It doesn’t have to be. We don’t get to decide whether our actions hurt someone or not, let alone if they’re forgivable or not.

Let me give you a quick apology tutorial:

1. Say “I am sorry/ I apologize”. This is the bare minimum.

2. Acknowledge what you’re apologizing for. Ex. I’m sorry I yelled at you when you were just trying to help me.

3. Do NOT say: I’m sorry you feel that way. That’s backhanded. That’s taking the blame off of yourself and blaming them for getting upset, even though your words/actions caused it. This has such a nasty undertone to it.

4. Try to avoid saying/doing whatever you did again.

This tutorial doesn’t guarantee forgiveness, but it’s a step in the right direction. Sometimes the biggest apology we have to give is to ourselves and a lot of us haven’t done that. I was scared many times that I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself either because I messed up too badly, but I eventually did. Grant yourself grace, it’s your first time experiencing life (unless you believe in reincarnation, then I don’t have an excuse for you lol). If after reading this you can’t utter an apology still, don’t worry...we’ll talk about it.

Have a great Tuesday!