Answers To Relationships and Marriage Vol.4

Why do beautiful women find it difficult to get married? Can I go ahead and marry a man with anger problems? Can I cancel my engagement after I discover my fiance has a terminal disease they never told me about?

These are just some of the questions we will be answering as we continue with Chapter 4 in the series "Answers to Relationship and Marriage Questions"

This is an extract from a book that I am writing, which answers questions asked to me by real people on different platforms.

Question 31 - I am eighteen years old and a freshman in college. My boyfriend is a senior in the same college and he wants us to get married as soon as possible. My problem is that he has not yet made up his mind about his career after school. If I get married now, I might end up being forced to leave school and take care of children at home. Should I risk my education for him?

Answer 31 - I am glad you used the term “Risk My Education for him”. There is nothing worth risking your education for. He found you in college and knows why your parents sent you there. If he loved you genuinely, the last thing he would do is to disrupt your education.

My advice to you is to let him complete school and settle in a job while you complete your education. If he is still available and interested when you graduate, you can go ahead and get married to him. Alternatively, he must tell you a good reason for getting married while you are in school. He must further make a commitment to support you until you finish your education without introducing new members to the family.

If I had a daughter, I would tell her to run for her life if she met a guy who asked her to drop out of school in order to get married.

Question 32 - My partner and I have talked about sex and decided that if two people love each other, sex before marriage is all right. Don’t you think sex is supposed to be an expression of love?

Answer 32 - It is true sex is an expression of love, but it is also an inbuilt instinct in every living creature that reproduces. That natural urge to have sex is like a fire which if not controlled can burn down a house when all you wanted was to boil a cup of tea.

The difference between humans and other animals is that we have a superior sense of self control. At times it is difficult to distinguish between having the natural urge to have sex and loving a person.

The experience of many ladies is that their male partner seems not to get enough of their attention until the first time they agree to have sex. The man had a drive to have sex and in order to get it, he used every means to seduce the lady including telling her all the sweet things she wanted to hear. The moment she agreed to have sex, the man started to see her like any other woman he had before.

If you can have a partner that agrees to a permanent commitment before having sex, then you know you have a person that truly loves you. Even if such a person ended up having sex before marriage, they would not lose their love momentum.

Question 33 - I grew up thinking that sex was something dirty and shameful and now that I am married, that attitude is still with me and is causing me a problem. How can I change?

Answer 33 - The first step in changing your mindset is to stop considering sex as something you have to do because you are married. Sex starts long before you get down and have intercourse. The way you start your day, send each other messages during the day and express the desire to see each other is a build up to what you will eventually have at the end of the day. You and your partner can start by engaging in deliberate routines that involve physical contact in a playful way.

The problem with most couples is that they have no contact whatsoever during the day and when they eventually meet for sex at night, they use it as a tool to relieve stress from the day. Stress brings different reactions in men and women. Many men will demand for sex when they are stressed and tired. On the other hand, most women would prefer to fall asleep because they do not have enough emotional energy for sex.

In short, the best solution for you is to extend your intimacy beyond the bedroom and let the sex come naturally.

In some cases however, the attitude that sex is dirty may be a result of bad experiences in childhood. If a child is sexually molested, they have no physical or emotional stimulation so all they see is the mess that they have to clean off after the act. In such a case, it may be necessary to seek professional help to deal with the psychological effects that linger into adulthood.

Question 34 - Why do beautiful women find it difficult to get married?

Answer 34 - There is no study or evidence that suggests that this statement is true. There is no law that says beautiful women must get married first. Every man goes out looking for a beautiful woman to marry and they have their own definition of what beauty is.

Women like their male counterparts, also have their own specifications of the man they wish to get married to. If you propose to such a lady and you do not meet their requirements, they will turn you down without a second thought. It has nothing to do with their beauty or success but their personal preferences.

Some men however, draw general conclusions based on a few encounters they had with “beautiful women”. The result is a general negative attitude towards that group of women. There are many reasons a woman, beautiful or not, would refuse your advances.

• They may not find you attractive
• They may prefer men in certain professions
• They probably conclude that you would not fit in their business, education and career goals
• Maybe you did not communicate at their level
• OR you are simply not their type.

Character has nothing to do with physical beauty or wealth. You will find well-mannered women who are beautiful and from wealthy families as well as some who may not be so beautiful and or come from poor families. On the other hand, you also find ill-mannered women on both ends of the spectrum.

Question 35 - As a single successful professional woman, how can I best get the right man to marry me seeing that I spend most of my time at work?

Answer 35 - While my answer is addressed to women, it equally applies to men in the same position. The first reality you need to face is that you cannot find the right partner in the confines of your daily routine. You need to deliberately introduce new dimensions to your lifestyle, depending on the type of partner you wish to have.

Defining What Type Of Partner You Want

You need you answer a few questions that will help you to define the type of partner you desire..

1. What is the most important attribute they should have?
2. Do you want an educated man?
3. Are you looking for a man in a particular profession?
4. Are you looking for a man of the same faith/ religion?
5. Are you looking for a fitness enthusiast?
6. Are you looking for a person you can visit clubs with?
7. Does skin color matter?

Where do you usually find men with such attributes?

Answers to the questions above will help you to determine where such men are usually found.

• If you are a religious person, you need to make time to become a consistent member of a church or other faith based group. There are men in such places who are also looking for a woman of the same faith.
• You need to join a gym if you wish to meet fitness enthusiasts
• Become a member of professional bodies or social clubs where you can mingle with men of certain professions.

You need to choose the right location if you are to meet the man with the right attributes and in the right class. If you desire a Christian man who is also wealthy, there is no point joining a church in a low income neighborhood.

You may even decide to start shopping at malls in affluent neighborhoods because that is where you can meet random strangers who closely resemble the attributes you are looking for.

Do I have the attributes that such men look for?

It is important to know what men look for in a woman. There is no point meeting a men who meets your expectations but you do not meet theirs. You may need to upgrade yourself in order to attract the right type of man.

Aligning Yourself For The Right Partner

You need to realign your attitude and develop new habits that attract rather than repel the right men. Consider the following:

A. Are you approachable or your first instinct to ignore a strange male voice?

B. Are you agreeable or you like playing hard to get? If you are serious about meeting the right man, there is no point pretending you are not interested. There are ways you can say no to a date without driving the man away. If he asks “Are you available this week?” don’t just say “NO” and he has to ask five times for next week, the other week and you keep saying “No”. If you think you might be interested in the guy, simply tell him “I am busy this week but I might be free next week”

C. Are you adventurous and flexible? Your idea of fun is not necessarily the best fun you will have. Do not be fixated on places and activities you know. Be willing to try activities that a man suggests and you probably thought they were not fun. The goal is to enjoy the person’s company and not the place or activity.

D. Are you willing to take risks? At times you will meet a man that does not meet your specifications on paper but he looks accomplished in his own right. You must be willing to take risks and explore what it would be like with such a person. You might discover that your own specifications were based on lack of exposure.

E. Are you a first-mover? There is no rule that says only men must start friendships. If you like a certain man but he seems to be indifferent towards you, it does not mean he is not interested. At times, he is not sure if you will even entertain him if he asked you out. You can melt the ice using very simple tactics:

• Be the first to greet when you meet
• Go beyond normal greeting and ask about his work or business
• Pass simple compliments that make him know you are paying attention to details of his life and achievements

He will soon gain confidence and before you know it, he is asking you out.

F. Are you what you are looking for? – It is easy to set standards for yourself and forget that the person you are looking for has their own standards. You need to check yourself and see if you would pass the same test if roles were reversed. Ask yourself:

• If you are looking for a handsome guy, how pretty are you?
• You are looking for an educated man, how educated are you?
• You are looking for a wealthy man, how wealthy are you?
• You are looking for a neat guy, how neat are you?

The list goes on and on…..

This is not to say a handsome man must necessarily marry a pretty woman and an educated man must marry an educated woman. The point is to moderate your expectations so that you do not miss good opportunities when they knock.

You can’t demand from your partner what you are unable or unwilling to give.

Rearranging Your Schedule

You need to deliberately create time for the new activities. You cannot continue with the same routine you have followed for years and hope to meet they type of man you have never met before.

You may have to:

• Work shorter hours
• Sleep shorter hours
• Forgo some activities
• In general, manage your time better

You are ultimately responsible for creating opportunities to meet the right man.

Question 36 - At times I am tempted to pretend that I am not successful so that I do not intimidate men. Is it a good strategy?

Answer 36 - It is a good idea if you only do it in order to get their attention then quickly reveal the true you in a tactful way. Every man is looking for a woman as a companion while the woman is looking for a man. The basic human desire is not to get a Teacher, Doctor, Lawyer or Chef, but to simply have a man or a woman companion.

It is therefore important to put forward the man or woman in you before the teacher or nurse you are. Your career is what you do and not who you are. Your wealth is what you have and not who you are.

If you are hoping to meet a man in a place like a church, a club, a business forum or in a shopping mall, you need to assess how the average person dresses and carries themselves in such an environment. You can dress above average if you wish to stand out but not out of everybody’s league.

If a man you like shows interest, try to them engage in conversation in a way that reveals the real you. Once he falls in love with your personality, it won’t matter even if you then told him what you do and who you really are.

If he makes the mistake of asking first about your job or business, throw the question back at him and show lots of interest in what he does. Shower him with praises so that he feels good about his accomplishments. By so doing, you demonstrate that you are interested in him as a person.

When it is your turn to talk about what you do, mention your career and not what you have. You can tell him you are an accountant without revealing that you own the business that you work for. You do not have to reveal everything about yourself in one sitting. Only share what is relevant at each stage of the relationship, thereby protecting yourself from opportunists.

Question 37 - My boyfriend has a very casual approach to life. Many times I ask him questions about serious issues that will affect us when we are married but he laughs off many of the issues and says something like “Don’t worry, it will be perfect after we are married”. Should I be worried?

Answer 37 - That is indeed a cause for concern. People rarely change for the better after they are married. In most cases, they put on a show while they are still dating in order to persuade their partner to get married. Once they are married, there is little incentive to impress.

There is a list of things to look out for while you are still dating, that can tell you what type of husband or wife you will have. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Does he enjoy talking to me or he only talks when it is necessary?
• Does he get my jokes or I end up having to explain myself?
• Is he free to talk about himself, his family and his past?
• Does he get annoyed by some topics that I love discussing?
• Am I always conscious about hurting his feelings?
• Does he protect, defend, or rebuke me in front of people?
• Is he free to discuss his job or business?
• Does he value my opinion like I am a big part of his life?
• How well does he take suggestions or corrections?

Answers to these questions can reveal the type of person you have and the quality of relationship you can develop if are married. Your partner must respect you, your ideas and opinions and clearly demonstrate that you are an important part of their life.

Question 38 - Must a person reveal everything about past relationships?

Answer 38 - There are things in your past that do not affect your future How many people would get married if every man and woman was to give details of partners they had before?.

However there are things from the past that are also part of the future. For example, if you have children from the past, they are part of your new marriage. Also if you had abortions that affected your ability to conceive, that is a problem that has a direct impart on the new marriage and it can't be ignored.

You need to think carefully before asking your partner about their past because some of the answers you get may affect your attitude towards them. When you meet a new person and they become your partner, you must strive to build a life together from that point going forward.

Assess the person you met on that particular day and see if they are the one you would like to spend your life with. Who they were in the past may be very different to who they are today. The question to ask is whether there is anything in their past that has any bearing on your future together.

Do not forget the coin has two sides, with you on the other side. Whatever you demand from your partner, the same should be demanded of you as well.

Question 39 - Some time ago I found out that my boyfriend was involved in selling drugs. I guess I ought to stop going out with him but I think I love him and I hope somehow I can reform him. Do you think there is any hope of this?

Answer 39 - It is possible for people to change, but only if they make the decision to change themselves. If selling drugs is the only way he makes money, he needs to find an alternative way of generating income. He is unlikely to stop selling drugs for the simple reason of becoming a better man for you.

You are potentially dealing with a second issue of drug use. You can try to assist him as a friend but not because you wish to covert him into a better husband. I know of cases involving women who were church goers and their partners were not. They gave a condition to get married only if the man also started attending church. All the man had to do was sacrifice a few months of their social life and attend church. After they got married, they started giving one excuse after the other until they reverted to their old lifestyles. Now that they were married, the woman could no longer force their husband to attend church.

There are habits and addictions that are deep rooted and cannot be wished away. The best way you can test the genuineness of his love is by breaking up with him. Tell him you do not see a future with him while he is involved with drugs, but you would be willing to reconsider at a later date should he successfully change his lifestyle and you are still available. That way, you give yourself time to reevaluate your own life and open your eyes to other possibilities. Sometimes the only good thing we see is the person in front of us because we are too close to see anything else. Do not make the mistake of trying to make him change while you continue the relationship. Let him experience what it would be like to be without you, then he will reevaluate his priorities.

Question 40 - I am about to get married to a man with anger problems. He says it is just a weakness that he will work on. I have already had rough moments with him and am no longer sure that I am doing the right thing. How can you assist me?

Answer 40 - Anger is a necessary instinct and response to threatening situations. However, anger becomes a problem when we can’t control it, causing us to say or do things that are harmful to ourselves and to others. Anger can be triggered by many things including conflict, stress or financial problems to name a few. It can also be a result of an underlying medical condition, alcoholism or depression.

Excessive anger can only be treated by a specialist who can check whether it is deep rooted in psychological issues from a person’s past or is a result of another condition.

There is no person with anger problems that will be able to work it out on their own. The first step is for them to admit they have a problem and seek professional help. They might discover that the problem is not just psychological but needs a psychiatrist and some medication.

You need to know the full extent of your partner’s physical and mental health before you commit to a marriage because some of the problems will affect your lifestyle adversely. You need to enter the marriage knowing what you are signing up for so that you are ready to face the worst of “In Sickness and In Health”.

The practical step you can take is to suggest to him to seek professional help. His reaction to this suggestion will tell you whether he is willing to change or not. If he is not willing to get help, I would not recommend you continuing the relationship.