Answers To Relationships And Marriage Vol. 3

Do guys prefer Bag Girls to Good Girls? What if I discover that my partner has a health condition before we get married?

These are just some of the questions we will be answering as we continue with Chapter 3 in the series "Answers to Relationship and Marriage Questions"

This is an extract from a book that I am writing, which answers questions asked to me by real people on different platforms.

Question 21 - Do guys prefer bad girls to good girls?

Answer 21 - The average man always takes the path with least resistance and the so called “Bad Girls” offer exactly that.

Dating is an art that has not been mastered by most good or decent ladies because most of the time their focus is on their career or education. When someone they like finally approaches them, they do not know how to behave. Most of the time they think if they look agreeable then the guy will think they are loose. So they will play hard to get while on the other hand the guy is failing to correctly interpret their signals.

Many ladies miss out on the man they want because they do not know how to turn down a request for a date without chasing the guy away. She might truly be busy the whole week except Sunday afternoon but she will let the guy ask 7 times if she can go on a date on Monday, Tues, Wed etc until the guy gives up on Friday. Instead of simply telling the guy I am busy during the week but we can go on Sunday afternoon, they let the guy sweat it out asking for a date on all the wrong days.

The guy then meets the so called Bad Girl who agrees to a date first time and that boosts his ego.

It is not that the guy prefers the Bad Girl but she makes it so easy for him that he ignores some of the qualities on his check list.

Question 22 - Why would my girlfriend still be texting her ex boyfriend?

Answer 22 - Maybe she is looking for attention. If the old guy was checking on her often then you came along and you only chat to her once a day, she might be tempted to talk to the one person she knows does not get tired of her.

I do not see any way you can confront her that will leave the two of you on good terms. Instead of directly addressing the issue of texting, try flooding her with your attention and see how she reacts. It is always better to solve such a problem using a non intrusive method. You might be the reason that is pushing her down memory lane.

Question 23 - My boyfriend always reads my messages, what should I do?

Answer 23 - If you want to know if he is toxic or not, you must ask to read his messages and see how he responds. If he wants it only one way, then you must know you are in a bad relationship.

If he allows you to read his and he is simply advocating for openness in the relationship, then it is something you can work with, provided you have nothing to hide yourself.

Question 24 - Should I try to pursue love with someone 8 years older than me with 2 kids and a soon to be ex-wife?

Answer 24 - The fact that there is a soon-to-be ex wife means he is still married. The question is whether you are fine dating a married person or not.

Your presence in that equation can do one of two things. On one hand, it can be a catalyst that gives him the motivation to push ahead with the divorce because you have given him a soft landing pad. On the other hand, he might find the comfort and emotional support in you that makes him comfortable staying on with his wife at home and coming to you for comfort.

Many times the so called soon-to-be never happens. It is better you tell him that you can’t date him unless and until he is divorced.

Question 25 - What is neglect in a relationship?

Answer 25 - Neglect is:

• When you are only concerned about what your partner can do for you but you never consider their own expectations from you.
• When you insist on your partner looking their best for you but you never go in front of the mirror to see if you are desirable enough to them.
• When you insist on your partner listening when you talk but when they have something to say you are always too busy to listen.

In short neglect is failure to pay attention to your partner’s physical and emotional needs.

Question 26 - Who is to blame for the breakup of a relationship where my partner felt that we were incompatible due to a range of issues that were raised but not addressed. I told her we could fix the relationship but she refused?

Answer 26 - No one person is to blame for the breakup in the relationship because there was no transgression like cheating. A relationship only exists because two people agree to be together. It is a personal and free choice which one can make and change any time if they feel what they are getting is not what they hoped for.

Some people even succumb to their doubts on the wedding day and they pull out. Painful as it is for the other party, it is much better than getting married then you divorce years later after you have grown deeper roots.

That is why it is important for you to judge whether your partner loves you as much as you love them. If you see that the relationship only works because you are putting all the effort and they are just playing along, it is better to cut your losses and move on. Persuading a person to stay in a relationship will only hurt you at a later stage because their reservations will never go away regardless of how long they are ignored.

Question 27 - Why do women never admit that they need a man to survive?

Answer 27 - This statement was true centuries ago when women had no rights at all and they could not sign their own name on any piece of paper except the marriage certificate.

In this age, if there was a gender that needed the other for survival, it would actually be men needing women and not the other way round. Women are just as educated as men and have equal opportunities in business and the work place.

Women naturally have far higher survival instincts than men. That is why in an average home, the man may be the main bread winner but the mother is more involved in the practical daily survival activities, taking care of the home, the children and the father.

Many men (not all) in dysfunctional relationships won’t quit, not because they don’t want to but because they wouldn’t know where to start if they were to live alone and learn how to take care of themselves after coming home from work and putting up their feet for many years.

You would have to be very specific about this special NEED that women have that only men can satisfy, other than basic survival.

Question 28 - How do I get past my boyfriend telling me that my face is okay, but my body is fat and ugly and he doesn’t like it? I’ve gained 10lbs during our 4 years, so now every time he wants to be intimate, I never feel good enough, even when he compliments me.

Answer 28 - You should be thankful because he has shown you his true colors before you made the final step to marry him. His opinion will never change but will only get worse with time.

There are things we think and opinions we hold about our partners but we decide to keep them in our heads in order to maintain the peace. If you hear a person telling you his mind, he has gone past the stage of just thinking and has a set of actions already figured out.

If he does not like your body type, which is most likely because of your genes, there is nothing you can do or say to make him have a better opinion of you. It is better you cut your losses now rather than regret when you are married with kids and he is going out looking for other women with the body type he likes. Verbal/ emotional abuse is far worse than physical abuse because it can leave you hating yourself for who you are when the problem is with the man who does not know how to identify the true value in you.

Question 29 - My girlfriend hates that I wear glasses, she says I only look handsome without them. Should I dump her?

Answer 29 - You need to find out whether she hates glasses in general or your choice of frames. I am sure when you look at her, you also have your preferences and opinion on what dress makes her look more attractive to you.

I am sure your partner is aware of your eye problems and she would never suggest that you stop wearing prescription glasses.

You need to communicate better as a couple so that your suggestions do not sound like demands. There is nothing wrong with either partner making suggestions to the other. The only problem is how it is said. Instead of telling her you do not like her red dress, rather compliment her each time she wears the black one and subconsciously she will wear more the things you compliment. Criticizing and emphasizing the negative will never help a relationship.

I have extended family members that wear frames that cover half their faces and they do so proudly. If it was any of my business, I would suggest to them a smaller frame that compliments their narrow faces.

Instead of dumping your partner over glasses that you will be changing in a few months, rather take her next time you go shopping for frames and let her pick one that makes you look like James Bond to her.

Question 30 - What is the difference between a breakup and a divorce?

Answer 30 - Breakup is a broad term that refers to the disintegration of any type of relationship including marriage. When two people are not married, their breakup is simply referred to as breakup because there is no legal institution which is being dissolved.

When two people who are married breakup, that “Breakup” is given the special term “Divorce” which because of the legal nature of their relationship, requires specific procedures to dissolve the union. In other words, a divorce is also a breakup but in the context of legally married couples.