A Sober Friend's Drinking History

LITTLE INTRODUCTION

Hello, whoever is reading this! If you've been with me on Instagram for a while, you know my drinking story probably as well as the back of your hand because I've been talking about it for a good while.

But for anyone who is new here, here's the short low down!

I quit drinking alcohol on February 2, 2019. This came after multiple attempts to moderate which always ended in failure and self hatred and pissing the bed and vomiting in the toilet and screaming at my boyfriend (now husband...miraculously) and fighting with my friends and drunk driving and a plethora of other insane shit I did while intoxicated.

I never went to rehab, AA, or jail. I quit after three White Claws on my birthday February 1, 2019. I had many, MANY rock bottoms before quitting, and the three White Claws was not a rock bottom night, but what it was was a total and complete feeling of, "I. am. done."

I didn't start really drinking until at the very end of high school when I met a guy. I was always the super, duper shy girl in high school and I hated that about myself so much so when I found out that alcohol turned me into everything that I ever wanted to be - loud, crazy, fun, wild - I instantly fell in love. Instantly. I became obsessed.

And then it ruined anything and everything in my life.

I had the typical college years of partying, staying up until 6am with friends, laughing about the drunken night before and eating greasy food to calm the hangover (BY THE WAY THAT NEVER WORKED). However, there was always something deeper and darker to my drinking. One time I even cut my wrists during a drunken fight with my boyfriend at the time. None of my friends behaved this way when they were drunk. Sure, they were crazy and sloppy too and made their own mistakes, but there was something so disturbing about the way I drank and what happened to me when I did, and I never realized it was a problem until years later. I had no awareness whatsoever that this was problematic. And how could I? I was in love with alcohol.

To break it down, here's how my drinking went:

Ages 18 to 22: college party central. Tailgating, football games, drinking abroad when I "studied" in Salzburg, meeting new people, drinking with said new people, making a lot of "friends". I didn't drink much by myself during this time - if at all, because I was always drinking with friends. I cheated on my boyfriend a lot, caused a lot of drama with people and friends, but chalked it up to just being a fun and wild drunk.

Ages 22 to 25: I met my husband at age 22. We drank a lot together at first and I was still very much in party mode these years. However, when I was 23, my mom got really sick and I began to lose friends one by one because of so many reasons, but alcohol and self isolation was involved in a lot of it. I just caused a lot of drama and everyone was sick of it. I would get into vicious yelling fights with my boyfriend and my sister and others that I loved. So, in these years, I really started drinking alone and this time fell in love with the comfort of alcohol alone in my bed, crying out for my lost friends and sick mom. These were very dark times in my life.

Ages 25 to 27: I primarily drank by myself within these two years. When I would make an appearance, everyone would comment about how I was a hermit and never go out and everything felt so different. I hated it. I hated myself very deeply during these years. I would drink beers on top of beers on top of beers and chain smoke cigarettes all the time to cope with self hatred, the loss of friends, and what was happening to my mom. (I want to write an in-depth post about that later).

Around age 21 I had my very first panic attack on my college campus. It felt like I was dying, and I was overcome with the most intense feeling of dread and fear. Nothing sparked it, it just came out of nowhere. I had no idea that alcohol could have had an affect on how my brain was working. I did not know that your brain tries to counter act the extra release of dopamine from alcohol by releasing dynorphin which causes anxiety and depression. (More on this later).

I did not know that alcohol depleted serotonin in your brain - the main neurotransmitter we need functioning in tip top shape to be able to handle our anxiety and depression. No one teaches you this. NO. ONE.

So, after that panic attack came years of panic attacks and the only thing that would stop them dead in their tracks was alcohol. But again, I had no education on the fact that it was a vicious cycle, and that alcohol was more than likely causing - or at least exacerbating - my panic attacks.

Throughout the years I would read some snippets here and there about alcohol and the brain and nothing really stuck until I read some Instagram posts from Catherine Grey, author of The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober. She hosted a Sober Spring challenge in 2018 and I completed three months without alcohol. I will write a blog post about that entire experience too because it deserves it's own space, but basically that was the catalyst to my never drinking again commitment. I tried to moderate after that Sober Spring and failed miserable, with one of my worst hangovers a few months after, and then a few more months of moderating before I said enough. is. enough.

I will be writing more in depth about my panic and anxiety with alcohol, and the actual physical symptoms I experienced, as well as the monkey brain I had when I tried to moderate. "Am I drinking too fast? How many have other people had? Why is he drinking so slow? Will. be hungover tomorrow? Will we have enough for the rest of the night? How many cigarettes do I have left?"

A few months after I quit drinking, I started this Instagram account. It began as "sober midwest sister" but I changed it almost immediately because I didn't want to pigeonhole myself to just the midwest. Then I came up with "A Sober Friend" and held this name for a while before having a MASSIVE identity issue with this account (LOL if you've been with me for a while). I won't delve into the details of that because that is a post for another day (I have so many posts lined up it's crazy, stay tuned) but basically I came back to A Sober Friend because that always felt the best to me. The most welcoming.

I created this space because I wanted to meet like minded people. I wanted to create a safe space for someone to go to, virtually, to feel comfort. It is so hard to get out of the house and meet people, especially in the 2020 COVID insanity, so these online spaces are so comforting. I found a lot of peace in my drinking days when I started hearing more and more about these sober accounts and following along with them. I became excited about sobriety, and that is what I want to do for people. To hype the up about sobriety. Because it's the fucking best. I owe everything in my life to sobriety. Absolutely everything.

And with that, I'll bid you adieu until the next blog post.

Thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing this space with me. Thank you for cheering me on while I continue to heal. I will continue to cheer you all on. We got this and we're in this together.

Love,

A Sober Friend