A letter I wish I Could've wrote to Myself

Hello D,

Its me, Deon. I need you to stop right now, and I need you to breathe. Please, I know its hard, but trust me it helps. I’m 5 years ahead, its almost our birthday, today is May 3rd, 2020. I am not going to bullshit you though; the next 5 years are going to be hard. They are going to push you to limits you did not even know you had. They are going to tear you down and you are going to think that you can not get back up. Just like right now D, but hang in there, you will. You are stronger than you know, and we are going to turn out stronger than we could ever imagine.

I know it's April 2015, you finally told our sister about who we really are inside. I know that wasn’t easy to even comprehend yourself, and I understand how much courage it took to come to terms and finally voice it out loud… especially to your best friend; The only other person around you who understood some of the pain that 2nd generation immigrants go through. I know you miss her… I know you enjoy your phone call with her everyday when she is riding the bus back home from school. But trust me D, today when she is riding back and you guys are not talking, she is thinking about you, she still loves you. It is a lot for her to process right now, right now she’s afraid of losing her best friend in the world who she feels like might be lost through transition. I know a week of not talking feels like forever... especially with silence because that's never existed in your relationship as siblings, not for more than a couple hours after a stupid fight anyways.

But remember D, she chose her path of school for you. She wanted to gain as much knowledge to know why her poor sibling had no desire to live out this life. Why her sibling who is so full of potential would not give themselves a chance to reach it fully. She knew it was more than a behaviour problem, she knew it was more than just an attitude, because she knows your heart D. That bond will never break. And soon D you can show your heart to the world, just hang in there. Soon people will understand you.

I need you to know that mom is loving, and her love is unconditional D. She grew up in church in Jamaica, you know she’s always accepted everyone, and she taught us to do the same. But this one hits close to home D. I know Sis and Mom told you no that you can’t be you. I know this time is terrible for you, you feel as if their love is now conditional. I know you feel embarrassed to even be in site because of what you just expressed only to be silent again. But hang in there and it will be okay, you just need more time D.

I know you do not want to wear clothes that you are not comfortable in for 1 more year. I know the thought of leaving the house makes you miserable because you do not want to be seen. You feel embarrassed, confused, anxious, sad, and everything else in between. I have no words to make you okay with that, I honestly don’t and I wish I did because that truly sucks D, but what I am telling you right now to do is to give yourself time and show your resilience. You fight through this tough year. This year is the year that your life begins to change, you have already started transitioning and you don’t even know it. Today you get stronger every single day from here on out. The rest of your life D, from now on will be dedicated to finding your truth, speaking your truth, and unapologetically living your truth in all ways of life.

In a year from now D you are going to build the courage to leave the house in clothes you feel comfortable with, without the need to even come out. In doing that you’re going to build more courage and LITERALLY just like that you will slowly start to gain more and more confidence in yourself. Soon D, you will confide in some friends, those friends may or may not be in your life forever, and that’s just how life works. But appreciate the good moments you share because those are what counts, and in a time like this especially when you feel as if your back is against the world due to ignorance, be thankful of the people you had who gave you genuine care in those moments and always hold that close. Life is a crazy journey, your yet to meet so many more people, your yet to lose so many more too. Trials and tribulations are well on their way, but this is just the beginning of your real story.