5 Ways to Combat Negative Self-Talk

Haven't started on that project because you know you're going to fork it right up? Do you wake up paralyzed with guilt about the 47 people you haven't responded to? Are you trapped in a cycle of feeling bad about feeling bad???

You are not alone. We all know the saying "You are your own worst critic," and, "Your biggest enemy is yourself." But how do you actually stop that voice in your head that makes you feel bad about everything? The one that doubts your talents, that reminds you of all your failures, that keeps you from falling asleep and then won't let you out of bed?

When I tell people, "The voice in your head should be the kindest voice you hear," I get wide eyes and open mouths. Folks who hear that phrase often realize they are never kind to themselves. Ever. They never tell themselves they're awesome, that they'll succeed, that they are good at what they do. Literally never!

When's the last time you did? Do you even know how?

Well I've got good news: That voice ain't as big and bad as you think it is! It's super tiny, and also not real, and just like you can learn martial arts for beating baddies, you can learn self-defense for beating your brain:

Tactic 1- Argue with the voice. Give it a name and fight with it (I call mine Nancy from Accounting, she was my nemesis and ALWAYS WILL BE). It's like how YOU'RE allowed to make fun of your best friend, but the second someone else does it you're ready to throw hands? Just like that! Except the voice is your brain and it's all in your head.

As I scroll through Instagram I will tell myself I'll never be as talented or successful as other artists. I'll never be able to paint like them, I'll never make a living from my art, and I should just give up now. But then I try to hear it in Nancy's voice. From Accounting.

"You'll never be able to do anything like that! You're such a huge failure I can't believe you're even trying. Who's going to buy art that you make? Is that even art? Hahahah-"

AND THEN I PUNCH HER IN THE FACE.

Suddenly when it's Nancy talking, I'm on the defense. Nancy can suck it.

"Who the hell are you to tell me I can't be an artist? You don't know anything about me, Nancy! You've never seen a single thing I make! And how did you even get in here? Don't call me a failure, YOU WORK IN ACCOUNTING."

Find your nemesis, and imagine that doubting voice in your head is the voice of someone you would never listen to. Because you shouldn't listen to it! It's wrong! That voice is wrong and you should punch it. Good work.

Tactic 2: Give yourself a time limit. Sometimes even arguing with Nancy doesn't do the trick, and if you're in a spiral you're in a spiral, but you can give yourself a deadline. Set a timer for an hour and tell yourself that you can feel this feeling, and be down in the dumps and cry and wail as much as you want to, but only for an hour.

You can even spread it out over a whole day! 15 minutes here, 10 minutes there, just get around to that sadness and self-doubt when you get a few minutes, you know? Because you're a busy person, and you can't spend 24 hours feeling bad about yourself. There's woodworking videos on YouTube that need to be watched! Dogs eating lettuce!

Wait, am I really going to set aside time in my day to feel bad?

Newsflash: You already were.

You were already spending countless minutes and hours per day wallowing in how much you suck, you just weren't counting them. When you have to set aside time for feeling lousy you start to realize that it's a really dumb thing to spend time on, and if an hour feels like too long, you're absolutely right, but you were likely spending even more time doing it before.

Tactic 3: Reschedule your worry. Telling yourself, "I need to stop worrying about this," is not always effective. It's pretty hard to control your own thoughts. But even if you can't stop that voice from telling you everything is going to fall apart, maybe you can procrastinate.

There are some things that we consider too important to not worry about. I have to worry, this is my livelihood. I have to worry, this is my relationship. I have to worry, this is a dog eating lettuce.

So you can't tell yourself to stop worrying. You can't just turn it off entirely. So don't- just turn it off for an hour. Or until Tuesday.

Some things you are going to feel bad about no matter what, but you don't have to feel bad about it anytime and all the time. Schedule a meeting with your voice for later. It seems to be the boss of you anyway, so may as well manage its calendar. Tell Nancy you promise you're going to feel bad about this thing, but you'll do it on Tuesday from 6-8pm.

Trying to completely control our brains and feelings feels impossible, and feeling out of control makes the voice even scarier, but if you can tell yourself that you're not going to never feel bad about it, you're just going not going to feel bad about it right now, then maybe you can get a leash on it. And maybe you can get a little perspective, or a little time, or if nothing else, a momentary feeling of control, which can help more than anything.

Tactic 4: Set a cap on the number of times per day you can call yourself a failure. Do you know how many times Nancy calls you every day? Do you know how many times she interrupts you to call you a failure? I guarantee its more times than you think, and you need to give her a max.

The first time I tried this, I set myself a limit of 20. I tried to pay attention to the voice, and I tried to count every time I heard "You're such a failure." I thought surely 20 times was plenty, and even that number seemed like an awful lot of times to say something so mean and unhelpful to myself.

I hit 20 before 10am.

I was astounded. I knew my inner voice was rough, but I didn't know how rough until I started really listening-and counting. I couldn't believe I called myself a failure 20 times before 10am, and I'm sure I missed a few! Let me tell you, once I knew how out of control that was, it became a lot easier to cut it out.

Tactic 5: Comfort the voice. If the voice inside your head is making you feel bad all day every day, then it sounds like that voice isn't very happy. It sounds like it could use a friend.

Try comforting that part of yourself that keeps saying mean things to you. And I don't mean comfort like watching Netflix or taking a shower, but comfort like you're trying to convince a stray dog that you're safe. Next time the voice says, "You're just gonna give up on this like you give up on everything else," picture it like a scared animal that's hiding under an old train car and turn on that baby voice: "Oh sweetie, why are you being so mean? Are you okay? Do you need a hug? Some food?"

Try putting out some treats for the voice. A soft bed. Maybe a blanket if its cold. Try making the voice feel safe and wanted. Pet it on the head.

Sometimes the meanest parts of ourselves come from times we weren't comforted in the past, and we humans are not the best at comforting ourselves, especially as adults, and especially when the thing hurting us is invisible and also inside our head. But we are GREAT at trying to save wounded, scared animals. We love that stuff.

And hey- no telling yourself that your fear is stupid or you're wasting your time. That is the actual opposite of comfort. Would you tell a scared, abandoned puppy that it was stupid for being afraid? If a stray kitten scratched you, would you say, "Yeah, you're right, I'm really dangerous, I'll leave you here to starve." NO! Primarily because kittens can't speak English, but also because they're not very logical, and neither is that voice in your head, so use the nicest, sweetest voice you have, and nothing else.

And there it is- the kindest voice you have inside of you. Listen to it carefully, and try to use it as often as you can.

Let me know if any of these tactics work for you!