2020

2020. Perfect vision. The truth is, we always see better in retrospect. After the lessons are learned and we can look back on the process with the knowledge we gained from it. 2020 gave us the opportunity to start focusing our vision, to start working towards what we hoped 2020 would have been for us. We were forced into time with ourselves and our loved ones. There was nothing else to do but bear witness to the broken systems and ideologies our society has been functioning under. But it also made us see things about ourselves that maybe we don’t really like so much and exposed us to those in our lives who may not be the best for our authentic selves and our futures. 2020 was a shit year, but the truth is that if we use our toughest struggles as a time for growth, it could have been a year for serious self-advancement.

Reflecting on my year, the key ideas in my life centered around grief, compassion, healing, and love. The second half of 2019 was a whirlwind for me after the passing of my mom. The complete implosion of what I thought to be my support system forced us into homelessness and a brief stay at a psych ward for myself to close out the year. It wasn’t all bad (nothing ever really is) because I was able to experience compassion from others that I had closed myself off to for years. People who I had let down for years still stepped up to help, a longstanding concert tradition remained intact, grief was shared and the closest forms of death bared its teeth, and a bond between someone I hold near and dear to my heart was strengthened in ways I couldn’t formerly contemplate. So much had happened that there was no time for me to process all that had occurred and I struggled to get on my feet.

2020 was a blessing for me in that way. The shutdown due to the pandemic gave my mind and body the pause that it needed. And during that pause, I realized that I had lost complete sense of my authentic self. A lot of factors contributed to that loss – childhood traumas, suppressed emotions, the circus that is a mental health diagnosis (official current: bipolar type 2), being a parent to children I love dearly but I never intended to have, being a fulltime caretaker for a terminally ill mother (completely blurring the lines of your standard mother/daughter role), coming to terms that the religion/political stance I was raised in didn’t resonate with my soul, personal relationships – all the things that life puts in our path. There was a lot to start digging into and I knew it was going to be very, very messy. I also don’t think it’s something I could have afforded to do if times had been normal. Functioning “normally” is hard enough as is being bipolar – all this extra shit plus normal responsibilities would have landed me back in the psych ward for sure.

2020 afforded me the vision inward. To look at my inner child and start assessing what she needed to heal. A lot of which, that insight came from being with my children as they processed their own emotions about how rough the end of 2019 was for us. 2020 gave me the ability to be with my children in those tough times and learn how to meet their emotional needs. 2020 allowed me to explore the path I want to take and gave me the time to envision what and how I want my life to be. 2020 taught me what I will tolerate and what I won’t. 2020 gave me the opportunity to teach my kids about important social issues. 2020 gave me the time to start initiating practices of self-love and non-attachment. 2020 allowed me to see my worth and start investing in it.

2020 was HARD for most of us on many levels. The resolution theme last year was about vision, and in a lot of ways, 2020 did not disappoint. 2020 gave me a chance to perfect the vision I want to manifest in my future. 2020 gave me a chance to look at myself and my life and begin to make changes for the vision of the future. 2020 wasn’t a loss, it wasn’t great, but it wasn’t a loss. 2020 was a catalyst for transformation, for the self and for society. I am letting go of 2020 with gratitude for what I have endured and overcome, for what I have learned, and for those who helped me along the way. I am stepping into 2021 with gratitude for all that it will teach me and with the intention to use the transformative energy of 2020 to manifest my authenticity and abundance. Namaste.